Tuesday, December 13, 2011
Single Momista: S.E.X. and the Single Momista
Single Momista: S.E.X. and the Single Momista: Hello Everyone, Lately it's been difficult to write this blog--There has been so much going on with me and my ex and my expectations and d...
Dating and the Single Momista
Hello Everyone,
Lately it's been difficult to write this blog--There has been so much going on with me and my ex and my expectations and disappointments that I haven't even known where to begin or how to articulate it all. And then my obsession with online shopping for Christmas presents has been all consuming! I have been spending All my computer time reading reviews about toys and comparing prices. Whew, all the research I have done on toys for my son could be a blog in itself.
But today I'm ready to pursue a topic I have no personal knowledge on and that is S.E.X. and the Single Momista.
So ok, yes, it's been A Long Time since I've had intimate relations with anyone...My ex moved out of our bedroom a month after my son's first birthday. And then some point after that, when I knew I was pursuing a divorce, we didn't have sex for a year to claim sexual abandonment in court. (At the time New York was a fault state for divorce). Then I left my ex when my son was two and a half years old, and now he is nearly four. This is all a roundabout way to say it's been awhile, without telling you the exact number of years...
How does the Sinlge Momista even have intimate relations with anyone? I was just starting to figure out how to be a mom and still be sexy and have sex, when the having sex part of my marriage ended. Now I have so much on my plate with raising my son and earning money and staying sane. Add putting myself at the top of the list of people who should get some sleep and also have some fun with friends I already have. And my son will always come first so finding a man who can deal with being second might be a challenge in itself. And this is not just an issue for Single Momistas. All over the place we can read about the merits and importance of date night for married couples with kids.
So...should I join a dating website? I'm old school, and I don't mean that I'm Old (even if I do have to get reading glasses now) but that I'm used to meeting people and getting a vibe from them. I'm not used to scrolling through self promotion ads and images. I spend enuf (ha, ha see how hip I am) I mean Enough time on the computer already. I know how draining my online shopping for Christmas-presents-obsession has been and I'm sure online dating would be just as obsessive for me. I'm not willing to add pursuing a date to my computer time when I could be watching "Up All Night" on Hulu.
Anyone have any tips? Or know an amazing, single man in the New York area who likes kids? Who maybe has a dog?
XO Single Momista
Lately it's been difficult to write this blog--There has been so much going on with me and my ex and my expectations and disappointments that I haven't even known where to begin or how to articulate it all. And then my obsession with online shopping for Christmas presents has been all consuming! I have been spending All my computer time reading reviews about toys and comparing prices. Whew, all the research I have done on toys for my son could be a blog in itself.
But today I'm ready to pursue a topic I have no personal knowledge on and that is S.E.X. and the Single Momista.
So ok, yes, it's been A Long Time since I've had intimate relations with anyone...My ex moved out of our bedroom a month after my son's first birthday. And then some point after that, when I knew I was pursuing a divorce, we didn't have sex for a year to claim sexual abandonment in court. (At the time New York was a fault state for divorce). Then I left my ex when my son was two and a half years old, and now he is nearly four. This is all a roundabout way to say it's been awhile, without telling you the exact number of years...
How does the Sinlge Momista even have intimate relations with anyone? I was just starting to figure out how to be a mom and still be sexy and have sex, when the having sex part of my marriage ended. Now I have so much on my plate with raising my son and earning money and staying sane. Add putting myself at the top of the list of people who should get some sleep and also have some fun with friends I already have. And my son will always come first so finding a man who can deal with being second might be a challenge in itself. And this is not just an issue for Single Momistas. All over the place we can read about the merits and importance of date night for married couples with kids.
So...should I join a dating website? I'm old school, and I don't mean that I'm Old (even if I do have to get reading glasses now) but that I'm used to meeting people and getting a vibe from them. I'm not used to scrolling through self promotion ads and images. I spend enuf (ha, ha see how hip I am) I mean Enough time on the computer already. I know how draining my online shopping for Christmas-presents-obsession has been and I'm sure online dating would be just as obsessive for me. I'm not willing to add pursuing a date to my computer time when I could be watching "Up All Night" on Hulu.
XO Single Momista
Sunday, November 13, 2011
Moving Along Slowly But Surely Post Divorce
Hello there,
So something symbolic occurred for me recently. But before I dish on that, I want to back up and start from the beginning again, back when I was trying to leave my marriage. Because really this is why I am writing my blog in the first place, as a chronicle of hope for someone who might be contemplating the path of a divorced, single mother.
A lot of us women trade in some, most of, or all of our career when we stay at home with our baby for some, most of, or all of the time. Or our careers plateau because we are the ones who take a day off when our child is sick or there is a school holiday, etc.
That is my story too. Before the birth of my son, I was earning as much as my husband. And then I became the stay at home parent while my husband became the go out to work parent. I had a home yoga studio, which was aptly called House of Yoga, but considering all the marital tension that eventually led to divorce, the name was probably an oxymoron. Anyway, I started classes up again in House of Yoga when my son was four months old. I began with Mom/Baby yoga classes that I taught in the mornings with my son strapped to me in the baby carrier. Once I figured out my son's sleeping schedule I started up my evening class for working professionals. By the way, I now know that the words guaranteed-to-be-asleep should never be used in the same sentence as the word baby, for once I started teaching evening classes at the time that baby is guaranteed to be asleep, my son was no longer sticking to his chosen schedule. While I was trying to stay focused on teaching people how to relax, I could hear my son screaming at his full lung capacity as his Dad walked him around the neighborhood for an hour! I was also teaching a class at 6 am, before anyone else in my house woke up, and that was the most enjoyable class for me. Five women and I doing sun salutations in my beautiful studio as the morning sun lit it up the walls. I miss those sunny mornings in House of Yoga.
Anyway, fast forward a couple years and I'm still teaching around my full time, stay at home mom schedule and my husband's daytime work schedule. And I am slowly accepting that my marriage is dissolving, but not earning nearly enough money to be able to make any moves. Then I got a full time job as a supervisor for the Census Bureau. Wow, going from yoga world to government bureaucracy was quite a leap for me! I know most people do the opposite, trading in their corporate job to teach yoga, but I desperately needed the money. And after working in yoga clothes for ten years it was fun for me to get dressed up for work. I began in April and three months later I was financially able to move out of my marital home and sublet an apartment with my son. Obviously the money helped significantly but earning also helped me to emotionally make that move. My husband had used his Big earning versus my Small earning as a way to keep me feeling insecure and therefore locked into the marriage. By increasing my income I gained my independence.
When I left my marital home I was making a Substantial Income, but of course working for the Census Bureau was a temporary job and after a five month stint I was unemployed, living separately from my husband, and into my divorce process. I had taken a five month hiatus from teaching yoga as I was far too drained from my divorce to offer anything to my students, and I found myself with no income. I immediately applied for food stamps. This was humbling for me. Then it was Very humbling to actually Use them to purchase food. I remember repeating this mantra: I will do whatever it takes to leave my marriage, even if it means being on food stamps.
The intertwined message of the Puritan Work Ethic and The American Dream that we often hear is that by striving hard, being self made and self sufficient, you will achieve Material Prosperity and have public respect. Being on food stamps seems like the opposite of that message, and even though I felt embarrassed, food stamps were a Part Of my plan for achieving a well respected, happy and prosperous life. I had already said I deserve much more than this and left my marriage to take my chances as an independent, self sufficient Single Momista. I made a decision for my son to grow up in a loving home and witness his Momma as a strong, well loved and respected woman. And to help achieve my goals I was Accepting Help and buying our food with food stamps. So I kept up my mantra: I will do what ever it takes to leave my marriage, even if it means being on food stamps. And I kept buying my locally grown, organic food with them.
Well, now a year later, I no longer financially qualify to be on food stamps! I have set manageable goals and it seems that my hair now frizzes over the poverty line. I have done a lot of personal soul searching and healing this year to get here: I traded yoga lessons for Life Coaching Sessions to help me realign with my direction and motivation, I took part of online seminars about earning your potential, I've read books about the psychology of Why Women Earn Less, I starting saying Yes to things that came my way. I applied for and received a scholarship to study muscles and kinesiology for a year, I did a weekend Restorative Yoga teacher training and connected with colleagues in my field. I've reached out to make new friends and reconnect with old ones. And I have found a way to ask for specific help from people who care about me but who express it in unhelpful ways. I am much more emotionally stronger than I was when I applied for food stamps. And I continue to make my decisions based on having a fulfilling life.
And obviously I am earning more money, otherwise I would still be on the food stamps. And with earning more, I am now able to spend some money on myself. I wrote in a previous post that I was going to address my (lack of) wardrobe and this month I actually subscribed to several fashion magazines and took some of their tips with me as I invested in my external appearance. I have been working so diligently on my internal stuff and now I want my external appearance to reflect my growth and healing. And, I think it's extremely hilarious, but people of the opposite gender are suddenly, and I mean suddenly, saying Hel-lo to me on the street now. One older gentleman even said "looks good to me" as I passed his bus stop. Definitely the internal healing must be shining through. It can't just be the new boots I am wearing.
Be bold and carry on,
So something symbolic occurred for me recently. But before I dish on that, I want to back up and start from the beginning again, back when I was trying to leave my marriage. Because really this is why I am writing my blog in the first place, as a chronicle of hope for someone who might be contemplating the path of a divorced, single mother.
 |
| kangaroo paw flowers |
That is my story too. Before the birth of my son, I was earning as much as my husband. And then I became the stay at home parent while my husband became the go out to work parent. I had a home yoga studio, which was aptly called House of Yoga, but considering all the marital tension that eventually led to divorce, the name was probably an oxymoron. Anyway, I started classes up again in House of Yoga when my son was four months old. I began with Mom/Baby yoga classes that I taught in the mornings with my son strapped to me in the baby carrier. Once I figured out my son's sleeping schedule I started up my evening class for working professionals. By the way, I now know that the words guaranteed-to-be-asleep should never be used in the same sentence as the word baby, for once I started teaching evening classes at the time that baby is guaranteed to be asleep, my son was no longer sticking to his chosen schedule. While I was trying to stay focused on teaching people how to relax, I could hear my son screaming at his full lung capacity as his Dad walked him around the neighborhood for an hour! I was also teaching a class at 6 am, before anyone else in my house woke up, and that was the most enjoyable class for me. Five women and I doing sun salutations in my beautiful studio as the morning sun lit it up the walls. I miss those sunny mornings in House of Yoga.
Anyway, fast forward a couple years and I'm still teaching around my full time, stay at home mom schedule and my husband's daytime work schedule. And I am slowly accepting that my marriage is dissolving, but not earning nearly enough money to be able to make any moves. Then I got a full time job as a supervisor for the Census Bureau. Wow, going from yoga world to government bureaucracy was quite a leap for me! I know most people do the opposite, trading in their corporate job to teach yoga, but I desperately needed the money. And after working in yoga clothes for ten years it was fun for me to get dressed up for work. I began in April and three months later I was financially able to move out of my marital home and sublet an apartment with my son. Obviously the money helped significantly but earning also helped me to emotionally make that move. My husband had used his Big earning versus my Small earning as a way to keep me feeling insecure and therefore locked into the marriage. By increasing my income I gained my independence.
When I left my marital home I was making a Substantial Income, but of course working for the Census Bureau was a temporary job and after a five month stint I was unemployed, living separately from my husband, and into my divorce process. I had taken a five month hiatus from teaching yoga as I was far too drained from my divorce to offer anything to my students, and I found myself with no income. I immediately applied for food stamps. This was humbling for me. Then it was Very humbling to actually Use them to purchase food. I remember repeating this mantra: I will do whatever it takes to leave my marriage, even if it means being on food stamps.
The intertwined message of the Puritan Work Ethic and The American Dream that we often hear is that by striving hard, being self made and self sufficient, you will achieve Material Prosperity and have public respect. Being on food stamps seems like the opposite of that message, and even though I felt embarrassed, food stamps were a Part Of my plan for achieving a well respected, happy and prosperous life. I had already said I deserve much more than this and left my marriage to take my chances as an independent, self sufficient Single Momista. I made a decision for my son to grow up in a loving home and witness his Momma as a strong, well loved and respected woman. And to help achieve my goals I was Accepting Help and buying our food with food stamps. So I kept up my mantra: I will do what ever it takes to leave my marriage, even if it means being on food stamps. And I kept buying my locally grown, organic food with them.
Well, now a year later, I no longer financially qualify to be on food stamps! I have set manageable goals and it seems that my hair now frizzes over the poverty line. I have done a lot of personal soul searching and healing this year to get here: I traded yoga lessons for Life Coaching Sessions to help me realign with my direction and motivation, I took part of online seminars about earning your potential, I've read books about the psychology of Why Women Earn Less, I starting saying Yes to things that came my way. I applied for and received a scholarship to study muscles and kinesiology for a year, I did a weekend Restorative Yoga teacher training and connected with colleagues in my field. I've reached out to make new friends and reconnect with old ones. And I have found a way to ask for specific help from people who care about me but who express it in unhelpful ways. I am much more emotionally stronger than I was when I applied for food stamps. And I continue to make my decisions based on having a fulfilling life.
And obviously I am earning more money, otherwise I would still be on the food stamps. And with earning more, I am now able to spend some money on myself. I wrote in a previous post that I was going to address my (lack of) wardrobe and this month I actually subscribed to several fashion magazines and took some of their tips with me as I invested in my external appearance. I have been working so diligently on my internal stuff and now I want my external appearance to reflect my growth and healing. And, I think it's extremely hilarious, but people of the opposite gender are suddenly, and I mean suddenly, saying Hel-lo to me on the street now. One older gentleman even said "looks good to me" as I passed his bus stop. Definitely the internal healing must be shining through. It can't just be the new boots I am wearing.
 |
| these boots are made for walking |
XO
Single Momista
Single Momista: Moving Along Slowly But Surely Post Divorce
Single Momista: Moving Along Slowly But Surely Post Divorce: Hello there, So something symbolic occurred for me recently. But before I dish on that, I want to back up and start from the beginning aga...
Monday, October 24, 2011
Single Momista: Halloween and All Soul's Day
Single Momista: Halloween and All Soul's Day: Hello All, My mother died forty years ago, on Nov 1. So the day before this date, Halloween, and the day after, All Soul's Day, truly reso...
Halloween and All Soul's Day
Hello All,
My mother died forty years ago, on Nov 1. So the day before this date, Halloween, and the day after, All Soul's Day, truly resonate with me. I was twenty-two months old when my mother died so it's that lil baby in me who deals with the annual recurrence of devastating memories. The weeks leading up to Halloween are extremely tricky. There is always a familiar sense of impending doom, extreme sadness and anger, compounded with the desire to shut everything down and hibernate. Even forty years later. But Halloween has always been a helpful holiday for me because everyone is dressed up and visiting their dark sides which allows any odd behavior on my part to slip by undetected. The day after is always a relief, like whew, I made it through and amazingly enough it is All Soul's Day, so I can honor her publicly. I am "lucky" to have these particular holidays surrounding the anniversary of her death. Plus, November 1 is my brother's birthday.
But parenting my own child is the most difficult task in the world when I am battling such enormous memories of loss. I am pretty shut down and getting through these days kind of on auto pilot; doing things from memory- tea in the morning, followed by breakfast, get dressed, make bed, etc. I am very preoccupied which can translate to: my threshold for tolerance and patience has been tossed in the garbage. I do plenty of reading about parenting (since I don't have a mother to ask) and I have been trying to implement the "Mommy time out" to get a breather in when I need to separate myself from my son. But as he won't actually let me take a moment to myself, this has not yet been successful.
This week I have found myself yelling and by that I mean SCREAMING like an animal at my child when he does something like hit me, or say no to me, or test me in another way. For example saying he is hungry after we are well into the bed time routine elicited an avalanche response that will not be forgotten and will most likely be retold by my son to his future therapist. Lesson learned, never again will I read my son a book that mentions food during bedtime stories. And he went to bed without the apple. And he slept through the night, so I know he wasn't starving. But my voice hurt from yelling so loud. And I felt terrible for acting like a crazy person and scaring my son. Yes, I definitely overreacted. And then I forgave myself and went to sleep, hibernating for a few hours.
Single parenting my child right now is just too much for me while I am experiencing such deep rooted feelings of loss, abandonment, and even betrayal. I have thought about what would happen if I didn't go pick him up from his Dad's on Tuesday morning. Or more responsibly, what if I asked his Dad to watch him all week? I know that is not really a possibility, but I can plan ahead to ask this next year. It also brings up that I don't have a babysitter for my son. He is in school three days a week, but I could use a babysitter this week to watch him on the other two days so I can get my "Mommy time out". Taking care of myself should be my first priority right now and always. Put the mask on me first if the plane is going down so I can then take care of my son.
Asking for help should be on the top of every Single Momista's list, but is not often on mine, not even to be found scribbled at the bottom. But I am certainly rethinking this as I move through my Learning Curve of how this single parenting thing will work the best for everyone.
I'm going to make some breakfast.
Take care,
XO
Single Momista
My mother died forty years ago, on Nov 1. So the day before this date, Halloween, and the day after, All Soul's Day, truly resonate with me. I was twenty-two months old when my mother died so it's that lil baby in me who deals with the annual recurrence of devastating memories. The weeks leading up to Halloween are extremely tricky. There is always a familiar sense of impending doom, extreme sadness and anger, compounded with the desire to shut everything down and hibernate. Even forty years later. But Halloween has always been a helpful holiday for me because everyone is dressed up and visiting their dark sides which allows any odd behavior on my part to slip by undetected. The day after is always a relief, like whew, I made it through and amazingly enough it is All Soul's Day, so I can honor her publicly. I am "lucky" to have these particular holidays surrounding the anniversary of her death. Plus, November 1 is my brother's birthday.
 |
| rainbow reflection on my wall |
But parenting my own child is the most difficult task in the world when I am battling such enormous memories of loss. I am pretty shut down and getting through these days kind of on auto pilot; doing things from memory- tea in the morning, followed by breakfast, get dressed, make bed, etc. I am very preoccupied which can translate to: my threshold for tolerance and patience has been tossed in the garbage. I do plenty of reading about parenting (since I don't have a mother to ask) and I have been trying to implement the "Mommy time out" to get a breather in when I need to separate myself from my son. But as he won't actually let me take a moment to myself, this has not yet been successful.
This week I have found myself yelling and by that I mean SCREAMING like an animal at my child when he does something like hit me, or say no to me, or test me in another way. For example saying he is hungry after we are well into the bed time routine elicited an avalanche response that will not be forgotten and will most likely be retold by my son to his future therapist. Lesson learned, never again will I read my son a book that mentions food during bedtime stories. And he went to bed without the apple. And he slept through the night, so I know he wasn't starving. But my voice hurt from yelling so loud. And I felt terrible for acting like a crazy person and scaring my son. Yes, I definitely overreacted. And then I forgave myself and went to sleep, hibernating for a few hours.
Single parenting my child right now is just too much for me while I am experiencing such deep rooted feelings of loss, abandonment, and even betrayal. I have thought about what would happen if I didn't go pick him up from his Dad's on Tuesday morning. Or more responsibly, what if I asked his Dad to watch him all week? I know that is not really a possibility, but I can plan ahead to ask this next year. It also brings up that I don't have a babysitter for my son. He is in school three days a week, but I could use a babysitter this week to watch him on the other two days so I can get my "Mommy time out". Taking care of myself should be my first priority right now and always. Put the mask on me first if the plane is going down so I can then take care of my son.
Asking for help should be on the top of every Single Momista's list, but is not often on mine, not even to be found scribbled at the bottom. But I am certainly rethinking this as I move through my Learning Curve of how this single parenting thing will work the best for everyone.
I'm going to make some breakfast.
Take care,
XO
Single Momista
Monday, October 17, 2011
Single Momista: Amicable relations with Ex Hubs
Single Momista: Amicable relations with Ex Hubs: Hi Readers, My son is always with his dad from Sunday into Tuesday morning. So Monday morning I can sit on my bed in silence, writing, rea...
Amicable relations with Ex Hubs
Hi Readers,
My son is always with his dad from Sunday into Tuesday morning. So Monday morning I can sit on my bed in silence, writing, reading, drinking my tea. This morning I am looking out the window towards a nice morning sky. My camera is having technical difficulties so I can not add my own picture here, but I found this quote on the Internet:
'A leaf fluttered in through the window this morning, as if supported by the rays of the sun, a bird settled on the fire escape, joy in the task of coffee, joy accompanied me as I walked.' ~ Anais Nin
But in my case it would be- joy in the task of two cups of green tea, joy accompanied me as I sat in my bed. I know that for many of you Monday morning is not peaceful and leisurely, so I am not even going to mention that I am also still in my pajamas.
What has forced me to sit in my bed this morning can be described quite simply as exhaustion. I have have added five classes to my teaching schedule this Fall. My son also has a new schedule which leaves me less downtime to take care of my "chores" without him. It was two months ago that I noticed I should wash the kitchen floor and it hasn't been done yet (I guess that explains my lack of allowance). My father is visiting next week, so I've got to get to that floor before then. I think I will go back to the Swiffer mop. Even though the mop pads cost more than soap and water, they are so much easier. And whatever makes life easier is the way to go as a Single Momista.
I have lots of mom friends and know that all moms are exhausted. Some moms even have more than one kid. Some single moms don't have an ex who shares responsibility. There are all kinds of things going on for everyone. But partnered up or single, everyone who has a child is most likely exhausted.
I can only do one thing at a time. And in this instance I am not talking about "Acceptance" that a yoga teacher (like myself) might talk about. What I mean is that new work and school schedules are exhausting and take time to get used to and in the meantime I find myself eating bread with butter on it. And then I have an avocado later. And then, what's this? A half eaten string cheese is found in my bag while I'm locating my wallet at the cashier. But I can not seem to make the sandwich and eat the whole thing at one time. I take a shower, but then I have to shave my legs, sometimes immediately after my shower, in the bathroom sink. And sometimes I wash my hair hanging over the tub while my son is taking his bath. And what about my feet? Teaching yoga is a barefoot job, so I really have to take care of my feet but often I just am too tired and forget. So at some point I put a Curious George video for my son which gives me 15- 30 minutes to soak my feet in the tub and go at them with a pumice stone.
Occasionally I do take a shower and do all the rest of it at the same time and I feel amazing! I feel like I did before I had a baby! Sometimes I do make a sandwich for myself or a meal, and again, I feel like this is a major accomplishment. I have had huge successes in my life and taking a shower was never one of them until I had a child. At the end of the day I often have to force myself to take a shower (adult tantrum, anyone?) because I have fallen asleep while putting my son to bed and do not want to wake up and take care of all that other stuff.
But exhaustion can have it's up side. For example, the amicable state of my relationship with my ex right now is definitely due in part to my exhaustion. He still annoys the tofu out of me, but I just can't focus on him right now. And that is so beneficial for my overall state of mind! I'm very accustomed to being angry, annoyed or disappointed with him. And I still am, but to a much lesser degree. I suppose this is the middle ground that people call "the grey zone". A zone that I haven't had much experience with as I'm more of a swinger between black and white. It's either love or hate for me. I know that trying on the grey zone relationship with my ex has a lot to do with how much stronger I feel as a person today, post divorce, as I heal from the effects of divorce (panic/disappointment/betrayal/survival mode, to name a few). And yes, after six years, I am finally having some acceptance of who I have a child with. But being exhausted also makes me focus more on my Self and less so on him.
If you can relate to anything I have said here, please write me a comment below. I would love to hear from you!
My son is always with his dad from Sunday into Tuesday morning. So Monday morning I can sit on my bed in silence, writing, reading, drinking my tea. This morning I am looking out the window towards a nice morning sky. My camera is having technical difficulties so I can not add my own picture here, but I found this quote on the Internet:
'A leaf fluttered in through the window this morning, as if supported by the rays of the sun, a bird settled on the fire escape, joy in the task of coffee, joy accompanied me as I walked.' ~ Anais Nin
But in my case it would be- joy in the task of two cups of green tea, joy accompanied me as I sat in my bed. I know that for many of you Monday morning is not peaceful and leisurely, so I am not even going to mention that I am also still in my pajamas.
What has forced me to sit in my bed this morning can be described quite simply as exhaustion. I have have added five classes to my teaching schedule this Fall. My son also has a new schedule which leaves me less downtime to take care of my "chores" without him. It was two months ago that I noticed I should wash the kitchen floor and it hasn't been done yet (I guess that explains my lack of allowance). My father is visiting next week, so I've got to get to that floor before then. I think I will go back to the Swiffer mop. Even though the mop pads cost more than soap and water, they are so much easier. And whatever makes life easier is the way to go as a Single Momista.
I have lots of mom friends and know that all moms are exhausted. Some moms even have more than one kid. Some single moms don't have an ex who shares responsibility. There are all kinds of things going on for everyone. But partnered up or single, everyone who has a child is most likely exhausted.
I can only do one thing at a time. And in this instance I am not talking about "Acceptance" that a yoga teacher (like myself) might talk about. What I mean is that new work and school schedules are exhausting and take time to get used to and in the meantime I find myself eating bread with butter on it. And then I have an avocado later. And then, what's this? A half eaten string cheese is found in my bag while I'm locating my wallet at the cashier. But I can not seem to make the sandwich and eat the whole thing at one time. I take a shower, but then I have to shave my legs, sometimes immediately after my shower, in the bathroom sink. And sometimes I wash my hair hanging over the tub while my son is taking his bath. And what about my feet? Teaching yoga is a barefoot job, so I really have to take care of my feet but often I just am too tired and forget. So at some point I put a Curious George video for my son which gives me 15- 30 minutes to soak my feet in the tub and go at them with a pumice stone.
Occasionally I do take a shower and do all the rest of it at the same time and I feel amazing! I feel like I did before I had a baby! Sometimes I do make a sandwich for myself or a meal, and again, I feel like this is a major accomplishment. I have had huge successes in my life and taking a shower was never one of them until I had a child. At the end of the day I often have to force myself to take a shower (adult tantrum, anyone?) because I have fallen asleep while putting my son to bed and do not want to wake up and take care of all that other stuff.
But exhaustion can have it's up side. For example, the amicable state of my relationship with my ex right now is definitely due in part to my exhaustion. He still annoys the tofu out of me, but I just can't focus on him right now. And that is so beneficial for my overall state of mind! I'm very accustomed to being angry, annoyed or disappointed with him. And I still am, but to a much lesser degree. I suppose this is the middle ground that people call "the grey zone". A zone that I haven't had much experience with as I'm more of a swinger between black and white. It's either love or hate for me. I know that trying on the grey zone relationship with my ex has a lot to do with how much stronger I feel as a person today, post divorce, as I heal from the effects of divorce (panic/disappointment/betrayal/survival mode, to name a few). And yes, after six years, I am finally having some acceptance of who I have a child with. But being exhausted also makes me focus more on my Self and less so on him.
 |
| I found this poster on the street |
 |
| fall flower shopping with my helper |
Take care & carry on
XO
Single Momista
Saturday, October 1, 2011
New Responsibility
Hello all faithful readers,
Gosh, rather than reducing my responsibilities (and therefore my stress) I have added to them this week by adopting a Betta fish from a friend who is moving. Mind you, this is a single mom friend who managed to keep this fish alive for a year already, so, like, no pressure! Yes, well... if you google anything re Betta fish, you will learn that when you acquire one housed in a small bowl you Need to Purchase a large enough tank for the fish to Thrive, not Survive in, along with gravel and some plants to create hiding places. It's interesting to build up a fish tank and create a safe space within four glass walls. I also need a hiding place sometimes. Sharing a room with my son makes that difficult but I am now thinking about how I can make the living room more cozy and carve out a "Mommy's corner" or chair. The concept of the lazy boy chair for Dad now makes complete sense to me. Prior to owning Freddy The Fish I categorized it as a really bad design element, but now I get the safe space reality.
Anyway, my darling son (aged 3.5 years) told me that his job would be feeding Freddy The Fish, changing his water, and making sure his plant (now plants) are standing straight. I thought to myself: Wow, only three weeks in and his Montessori school is already teaching him a sense of responsibility! I also knew that soon enough he would be delegating these tasks to me, his subordinate. And here I am, two days into Freddy, boiling rocks found in the park, dripping vinegar on them to test for something or other, and $75. in the hole due to research on the web about our "easy to care for" fish. All while my son is playing with his I-Pad at his Dad's house. Take it from me, if you have a kitchen floor to wash, some receipts from the last month to put into your spending plan, or you have a penchant for Feng Shui, setting up your fish tank will happily distract and occupy you for some time.
While the pH level of the water situates itself I hope our one fish will survive as I acclimate him to a new tank. To help things move along more smoothly I have taken out my contact lenses to easier read the tank's instruction guide at a distance that is closer than two feet from my face. Noticing my aging can be "eye opening" (I am getting really good with the puns)! Especially in conjunction with not having legally documented my child's guardian or not having a retirement savings account when I am a freelance worker, or what about, not having had a lover in a couple years and wondering how that will play out now that I am over 40 years of age... Maybe I am turning into a cliche of the single mom lady with no sex life... i.e., quick to ignite over simple things like banging one's head on the towel rack, again, while standing up after wiping one's son's bottom. But, I must say that I did see a handsome, interesting looking man with a nice voice in the wine shop tonight, and that was before I had a glass of wine (hey Handsome, have you heard the one about poop?). So there is a benefit to buying a bottle of wine, if only to stir up that curious beast within. P.S. I don't usually notice handsome, interesting men these days, although I Am Not Old, just preoccupied with raising my son. And earning enough money that might be spent on creating relaxing spaces in our apartment such as a beautiful and peaceful 2.5 gallon fish tank.
This weekend I am participating in a Restorative Yoga teachers training with one of my first yoga teachers from 20 years ago. It's been said that you teach what you need to learn and I couldn't agree more. While going through the legalities of my divorce, I went to a weekly Restorative Yoga class for six months. And while attending this weekend training I am reminded that I still need a weekly restorative practice to maintain my personal pH levels. Restorative Yoga is great for today's society, where we are on auto pilot most of the time, have less boundaries between work and self, and often don't even know where we really begin and end. For those of you reading this- take a break into child's pose right now- sit on your heels, forehead resting forward on the floor, arms either along your side, or stretched in front, or making a pillow for your head. Take 25 breaths, come up and then decide how you want to continue your day. (see photo below).
All the best,
XO
Single Momista
Gosh, rather than reducing my responsibilities (and therefore my stress) I have added to them this week by adopting a Betta fish from a friend who is moving. Mind you, this is a single mom friend who managed to keep this fish alive for a year already, so, like, no pressure! Yes, well... if you google anything re Betta fish, you will learn that when you acquire one housed in a small bowl you Need to Purchase a large enough tank for the fish to Thrive, not Survive in, along with gravel and some plants to create hiding places. It's interesting to build up a fish tank and create a safe space within four glass walls. I also need a hiding place sometimes. Sharing a room with my son makes that difficult but I am now thinking about how I can make the living room more cozy and carve out a "Mommy's corner" or chair. The concept of the lazy boy chair for Dad now makes complete sense to me. Prior to owning Freddy The Fish I categorized it as a really bad design element, but now I get the safe space reality.
Anyway, my darling son (aged 3.5 years) told me that his job would be feeding Freddy The Fish, changing his water, and making sure his plant (now plants) are standing straight. I thought to myself: Wow, only three weeks in and his Montessori school is already teaching him a sense of responsibility! I also knew that soon enough he would be delegating these tasks to me, his subordinate. And here I am, two days into Freddy, boiling rocks found in the park, dripping vinegar on them to test for something or other, and $75. in the hole due to research on the web about our "easy to care for" fish. All while my son is playing with his I-Pad at his Dad's house. Take it from me, if you have a kitchen floor to wash, some receipts from the last month to put into your spending plan, or you have a penchant for Feng Shui, setting up your fish tank will happily distract and occupy you for some time.
While the pH level of the water situates itself I hope our one fish will survive as I acclimate him to a new tank. To help things move along more smoothly I have taken out my contact lenses to easier read the tank's instruction guide at a distance that is closer than two feet from my face. Noticing my aging can be "eye opening" (I am getting really good with the puns)! Especially in conjunction with not having legally documented my child's guardian or not having a retirement savings account when I am a freelance worker, or what about, not having had a lover in a couple years and wondering how that will play out now that I am over 40 years of age... Maybe I am turning into a cliche of the single mom lady with no sex life... i.e., quick to ignite over simple things like banging one's head on the towel rack, again, while standing up after wiping one's son's bottom. But, I must say that I did see a handsome, interesting looking man with a nice voice in the wine shop tonight, and that was before I had a glass of wine (hey Handsome, have you heard the one about poop?). So there is a benefit to buying a bottle of wine, if only to stir up that curious beast within. P.S. I don't usually notice handsome, interesting men these days, although I Am Not Old, just preoccupied with raising my son. And earning enough money that might be spent on creating relaxing spaces in our apartment such as a beautiful and peaceful 2.5 gallon fish tank.
This weekend I am participating in a Restorative Yoga teachers training with one of my first yoga teachers from 20 years ago. It's been said that you teach what you need to learn and I couldn't agree more. While going through the legalities of my divorce, I went to a weekly Restorative Yoga class for six months. And while attending this weekend training I am reminded that I still need a weekly restorative practice to maintain my personal pH levels. Restorative Yoga is great for today's society, where we are on auto pilot most of the time, have less boundaries between work and self, and often don't even know where we really begin and end. For those of you reading this- take a break into child's pose right now- sit on your heels, forehead resting forward on the floor, arms either along your side, or stretched in front, or making a pillow for your head. Take 25 breaths, come up and then decide how you want to continue your day. (see photo below).
 |
| Bowing inwards and also to Freddy the Fish. |
All the best,
XO
Single Momista
Single Momista: New Responsibility
Single Momista: New Responsibility: Hello all faithful readers, Gosh, rather than reducing my responsibilities (and therefore my stress) I have added to them this week by...
Friday, September 23, 2011
Back up and running
Hello again,
My blog has been out of commission for a bit because I discovered my 16 year old stepson was reading it. I immediately shut everything down as I thought it was too much information for him to be learning about his father. But after I spoke with his mother, and then my therapist, I thought it was most likely healing for him to have read about stuff that he can relate to. I have not written any lies, nor am I writing a hate blog about my ex. My intention is to write about my life as a single mom, and like my own son, my stepson is also the son of a single mom. So I am back and opening my blog up to the general public again. I now have the awareness to be more mindful of who my audience might be. And I'm hoping that after the initial dose, most of my blog will be boring to a sixteen year old boy anyway...
For example, I just got home from a school field trip with my son and a bunch of other three and four year olds. We took a bus ride for two and a half hours to go apple picking in the pouring rain for one hour and then get back on the bus for a couple more hours. I thought I was going to implode with the sheer frustration of it all, but I survived and here are some pics to prove it:
And then once we were back at home in our familiar city digs, my son went to his dad's house for the night. And, ahem, his dad's girlfriend is in town, sleeping over while my son is there. Arhhh...it's all big stuff for me. Maybe some of you who have more experience with that than I do and can leave some comments for me, please?
A friend reminded me recently that my son is not my property. Yep, good reminder, he has his own life path with many people on it. I also have my life path and can be distracted by all the stuff people "do to me" or I can do what I really need to do, which is focus on my creative stuff again. And I really need to get some creative work going. That is also why I started up my blog again. It's been super healing and healthy for me to write. Plus, while writing was always something I considered myself really terrible at (it used to take me ages to even write my name on a paper, let alone string my thoughts together) surprisingly, it's now become my creative outlet. And while I would appreciate the help of an editor, writing is no longer so torturous for me and that feels great (and is even proof that things do change)!
I was reading about people born on my birth date (Jan 3, 1970) and the first line was: You are an artist.
Reading that jolted me back into myself. So hello, I am back...and still need to get to my b.u.t.t. to my friend's ceramic studio!!!!!
Be bold and carry on,
XO
Single Momista
My blog has been out of commission for a bit because I discovered my 16 year old stepson was reading it. I immediately shut everything down as I thought it was too much information for him to be learning about his father. But after I spoke with his mother, and then my therapist, I thought it was most likely healing for him to have read about stuff that he can relate to. I have not written any lies, nor am I writing a hate blog about my ex. My intention is to write about my life as a single mom, and like my own son, my stepson is also the son of a single mom. So I am back and opening my blog up to the general public again. I now have the awareness to be more mindful of who my audience might be. And I'm hoping that after the initial dose, most of my blog will be boring to a sixteen year old boy anyway...
For example, I just got home from a school field trip with my son and a bunch of other three and four year olds. We took a bus ride for two and a half hours to go apple picking in the pouring rain for one hour and then get back on the bus for a couple more hours. I thought I was going to implode with the sheer frustration of it all, but I survived and here are some pics to prove it:
 |
| Our "pick your own" bags of apples |
 |
| The view behind us as we run for shelter on the bus |
And then once we were back at home in our familiar city digs, my son went to his dad's house for the night. And, ahem, his dad's girlfriend is in town, sleeping over while my son is there. Arhhh...it's all big stuff for me. Maybe some of you who have more experience with that than I do and can leave some comments for me, please?
A friend reminded me recently that my son is not my property. Yep, good reminder, he has his own life path with many people on it. I also have my life path and can be distracted by all the stuff people "do to me" or I can do what I really need to do, which is focus on my creative stuff again. And I really need to get some creative work going. That is also why I started up my blog again. It's been super healing and healthy for me to write. Plus, while writing was always something I considered myself really terrible at (it used to take me ages to even write my name on a paper, let alone string my thoughts together) surprisingly, it's now become my creative outlet. And while I would appreciate the help of an editor, writing is no longer so torturous for me and that feels great (and is even proof that things do change)!
I was reading about people born on my birth date (Jan 3, 1970) and the first line was: You are an artist.
Reading that jolted me back into myself. So hello, I am back...and still need to get to my b.u.t.t. to my friend's ceramic studio!!!!!
Be bold and carry on,
XO
Single Momista
Sunday, September 11, 2011
Back to school season
Hello there,
My son is starting a Montessori program tomorrow after two weeks at home without daycare and I'm a nervous wreck! We did a Montessori crash course this weekend. It started with trying to reduce the Big Blue Babysitter (TV) that I have fallen into the habit of using this summer. We played with all the wooden toys we have in the house, practiced cleaning up together, discussed the play mat that everyone has for projects on the floor and we tried (and failed) to nap during their nap time, which starts at 12:30 pm.
We got excited about his lunchbox (from onesmallstep.com), personalizing it with stickers and we went shopping for lunch foods and snacks. I love his lunch box because to me it means that he can take my nurturing to school with him, but really, who am I kidding? I have a boy who seems to survive on milk alone, so I shouldn't expect much in the eating all my "lovely" lunch department.
I tried to pump up the excitement about the shirt he will wear the first day of school (an "S is for shark" shirt), and we talked about that might be sad but he will make new friends and all that. Really, as all you parents probably know, all that pumping up of stuff is as much for me as for him because I'm terrified and stressed and losing sleep! I have been trying to do some restorative yoga everyday to stay connected to myself this week before his new school starts.
Hopefully some of you other parents are taking care of yourselves as well during this back to school transition time!
Take care & carry on!
XO
Single Momista
My son is starting a Montessori program tomorrow after two weeks at home without daycare and I'm a nervous wreck! We did a Montessori crash course this weekend. It started with trying to reduce the Big Blue Babysitter (TV) that I have fallen into the habit of using this summer. We played with all the wooden toys we have in the house, practiced cleaning up together, discussed the play mat that everyone has for projects on the floor and we tried (and failed) to nap during their nap time, which starts at 12:30 pm.
We got excited about his lunchbox (from onesmallstep.com), personalizing it with stickers and we went shopping for lunch foods and snacks. I love his lunch box because to me it means that he can take my nurturing to school with him, but really, who am I kidding? I have a boy who seems to survive on milk alone, so I shouldn't expect much in the eating all my "lovely" lunch department.
I tried to pump up the excitement about the shirt he will wear the first day of school (an "S is for shark" shirt), and we talked about that might be sad but he will make new friends and all that. Really, as all you parents probably know, all that pumping up of stuff is as much for me as for him because I'm terrified and stressed and losing sleep! I have been trying to do some restorative yoga everyday to stay connected to myself this week before his new school starts.
On the Etsy site, I saw some wonderfully sewn felt hearts for kids to keep in their pockets at school and I made a variation out of a spare piece of my son's lovey/blanket. I stuffed it with torn apart cotton balls, as I did not have any fiber fill around. I think this will be an issue when I have to wash it, but until then I'm just not going to think about it!
Hopefully some of you other parents are taking care of yourselves as well during this back to school transition time!
Take care & carry on!
XO
Single Momista
Saturday, September 3, 2011
Wedding anniversary
My ex and I had decided to get married over the Labor Day weekend so we would always have several days off around our wedding anniversary. And here it is again, Sept 3! Last year I had a party at my house to get me through the actual wedding day. And now I am up in MA with my child wondering if I should just stay up here or return to Brooklyn as originally planned...
 |
| me looking very Ukrainian on a farm |
 |
| & then my LA/film director look |
 |
| my favorite- dill! |
 |
| my sidekick & me |
 |
| inside our "pick your own" basket |
I decided to come back to Brooklyn. My son hadn't seen his Dad in eleven days and today started his Dad's weekend. I hadn't even remembered it was my wedding anniversary until it was right on top of me. But when I did remember, I was unsure of how to feel. Sad, weird, betrayed, happy, peaceful? Then a smart friend of mine told me: You can keep going down the same road, remembering the past, being sad for three days around Labor day weekend, or you can Choose A Different Way!! So we raced to the train early this morning and here I am, back home at the beginning of a long weekend, with chocolate ice cream, a fennel and sunflower seed baguette, my blog and a list of Taking Care of Me plans:
1. Photo shoot tomorrow morning for my yoga website
2. Haircut & color
3. Pedicure in a salon
4. Yoga class
5. Envision my fall fashion (ha ha......I fell off my chair laughing)
6. Pay some bills (It feels so good to take care of payments when I have the money)
7. Call friends and maybe even see some in person
Take care & stay true to yourself!
XO
Single Momista
Monday, August 22, 2011
Room Design: Sharing a room with your child
Hello everyone,
Looking at the image of our bedroom, you can see there is no separation between our two spaces except the room divider around my son's bed. Notice that I placed his headboard and pillow in the direction of the room divider, rather than toward the window, which allows for some privacy and separation. He can not see me when he lies down and I can not see him when I lie down. Even the smallest amount of privacy helps! This was the first step towards me getting a sense of separation in our room.
Next, I made my bed a cozy place that I want to hang out in and on, because it is basically all the space I get on my half of the room! This was a project unto itself and took some planning as it entailed spending some money, and bedding is not cheap. I bought some new sheets and a quilt and matching shams. This might not be an option for everyone right now, but as I do spend so much time in bed, nurturing myself with some new bedding was well worth it! Yes, I truly sleep better in my new sheets! Also having my bed "dressed" helps define my part of the room, the exact effect I was going for.
I then rearranged the furniture and used the dressers as a wall between our spaces. My dresser was an unattractive eyesore, so I painted it a color I thought fitting for the bedroom- Full Moon- it's the palest of pale grey. Painting is also a big project. You have to remove the clothing from the drawers, sand the exterior of the dresser, wipe it clean and then paint several coats, allowing each coat to dry before applying the next. Don't be intimidated, you can find full instructions online. I did this when my son was with his Dad for several days. For me the project was well worth it as my lighter colored dresser helps to open up the space.
As winter is coming, I wanted to move my son's bed away from the radiator, so rearranged his room by flipping the placement of his toys and bed. Having the dressers as room dividers proved useful because 1. I was able to organize all his colorful, plastic toys out of sight, behind my dresser! And 2. I could tuck his bed behind his dresser, creating privacy for both of us. I still placed the headboard side of his bed and his pillow facing toward the screen/room divider, which I decided to keep for the time being. It acts as a tall wall behind his bed. I'm thinking about replacing his dresser with an Expedit bookshelf from Ikea. It would allow for more shelving; the books would get off the floor and his trucks would have cubbies to be stored in.
The last stage of my Bedroom Improvement was to change how the curtains are hung. Rather than having them hang from above the window frame, down towards the floor (see "Before" image- they are too bulky, with wasted fabric) I bought two tension rods and placed them inside the window frame. I cut the curtains shorter so they land at the window ledge and sewed purple fabric (the fabric I happened to already have) inside the curtains as a "black out shade". I still have to finish hemming the curtains up and then Viola! more space around that wall. My do have purple sheets for my bed so elements in the room should tie together nicely.
I hope you enjoyed my bedroom house tour! Maybe you can take away some helpful tips. I would certainly love to hear about your remedies for similar problems!
I know five families sharing a one bedroom with their child/or children, not including myself. But I never see these kinds of homes showcased in design magazines. I can not even pull up one image on Google to help me with my own design dilemmas...Not very helpful, as this is an issue for many families. So I decided to show you how I am tackling this problem in my own apartment rental in Brooklyn.
Here is my "Before" picture:
Here is my "Before" picture:
 |
| You can tell who dominates the room... |
Looking at the image of our bedroom, you can see there is no separation between our two spaces except the room divider around my son's bed. Notice that I placed his headboard and pillow in the direction of the room divider, rather than toward the window, which allows for some privacy and separation. He can not see me when he lies down and I can not see him when I lie down. Even the smallest amount of privacy helps! This was the first step towards me getting a sense of separation in our room.
 |
| Notice the small book light by the books- a must have!! |
Next, I made my bed a cozy place that I want to hang out in and on, because it is basically all the space I get on my half of the room! This was a project unto itself and took some planning as it entailed spending some money, and bedding is not cheap. I bought some new sheets and a quilt and matching shams. This might not be an option for everyone right now, but as I do spend so much time in bed, nurturing myself with some new bedding was well worth it! Yes, I truly sleep better in my new sheets! Also having my bed "dressed" helps define my part of the room, the exact effect I was going for.
I then rearranged the furniture and used the dressers as a wall between our spaces. My dresser was an unattractive eyesore, so I painted it a color I thought fitting for the bedroom- Full Moon- it's the palest of pale grey. Painting is also a big project. You have to remove the clothing from the drawers, sand the exterior of the dresser, wipe it clean and then paint several coats, allowing each coat to dry before applying the next. Don't be intimidated, you can find full instructions online. I did this when my son was with his Dad for several days. For me the project was well worth it as my lighter colored dresser helps to open up the space.
 |
| The Two-Dresser-Wall |
As winter is coming, I wanted to move my son's bed away from the radiator, so rearranged his room by flipping the placement of his toys and bed. Having the dressers as room dividers proved useful because 1. I was able to organize all his colorful, plastic toys out of sight, behind my dresser! And 2. I could tuck his bed behind his dresser, creating privacy for both of us. I still placed the headboard side of his bed and his pillow facing toward the screen/room divider, which I decided to keep for the time being. It acts as a tall wall behind his bed. I'm thinking about replacing his dresser with an Expedit bookshelf from Ikea. It would allow for more shelving; the books would get off the floor and his trucks would have cubbies to be stored in.
 |
| The bench is a sitting space between our "rooms" |
 |
| Sleep zone behind his dresser |
 |
| Play zone |
 |
| His view of my "room" Now it does seem like it's own space. |
The last stage of my Bedroom Improvement was to change how the curtains are hung. Rather than having them hang from above the window frame, down towards the floor (see "Before" image- they are too bulky, with wasted fabric) I bought two tension rods and placed them inside the window frame. I cut the curtains shorter so they land at the window ledge and sewed purple fabric (the fabric I happened to already have) inside the curtains as a "black out shade". I still have to finish hemming the curtains up and then Viola! more space around that wall. My do have purple sheets for my bed so elements in the room should tie together nicely.
 |
| When hemmed there will be a crisp bottom edge |
 |
| Our functioning room- me sewing, him playing |
I hope you enjoyed my bedroom house tour! Maybe you can take away some helpful tips. I would certainly love to hear about your remedies for similar problems!
All the Best,
XO
Single Momista
Thursday, August 18, 2011
Alone Time
Hello people,
More to come tomorrow, when I will start a couple posts about how to share a bedroom with your young child, without being taken over by stuffed animals and plastic toys..
XO
Single Momista
So my son is with his Dad for ten days! Yes, that's right, I have Ten Days Alone. I have not been this relaxed in four years! And as I write this, I am taking the train to visit an old friend for a couple days at the Jersey Shore. Never mind that thunderstorms are forecasted, I am going on an adventure with a book and a camera. Change of scenery and adult conversations, here I come! WOW.
I am five days into my time alone. All you parents can live vicariously through me for a moment: My mornings have been very gentle. I wake up on my own and drink my tea like I used to back in the day- quietly, with the sunrise, not thinking about anything in particular, perhaps recalling my dreams from the night before....There is no little person trying to pull my leg (in all ways possible) for a six a.m. popsicle or lollipop...
 |
| Brooklyn sunrise |
 |
| Morning tea at home |
 |
| And now I'm at the Jersey Shore! |
More to come tomorrow, when I will start a couple posts about how to share a bedroom with your young child, without being taken over by stuffed animals and plastic toys..
XO
Single Momista
Saturday, August 6, 2011
Growing Pains
Hello friends and readers,
OK, here is the inside scoop on my life and emotions. My son is going to his Dad's girlfriend's house this month for a few days. (She lives in another state). And what that really means is that my son is going to have his Dad's girlfriend (always known to me as his affair) in his life. AHHHHH. And I gave the trip the OK. Because really, what else could I do? The lady is here to stay and the reality is that the trip probably would have happened whether I approved it or not. For the first time my ex asked my permission about something that involved his girlfriend and our son. And I want more of that behavior over the next eighteen years. So the best approach is to act dignified and get on board, even if it feels to me like I am only pretending to take the high road. My advice to myself: act the way you wish to appear.
My therapist suggested that my ex and I sit down together and talk with our son about the trip so that he knows I give the go ahead. According to her, this will show my son that he doesn't have to take care of my feelings or choose sides out of loyalty to me when he is there. He might do this on his own, but my job is to show him that he can have his own feelings about the trip and about Daddy's "friend" and her two kids. And, she said, if he does have a tantrum while there (rather than saving it up for me when he returns) his Dad will have to deal with it and have a chance to see how his choices affect our son. All this was said to me in the matter of fact manner of a professional. The child in me was internally screaming No way, Mother F-er to my ex while the adult me sat on my therapist's couch and absorbed the odd reality that I really did not have any right to veto the trip. 1. There are no real safety issues, only the imaginary ones in my mind. Like what if the bus to Boston falls on it's side and my son dies. And 2. If I ask them to postpone the trip until next summer, so my son can get to know the "friend" on his home turf more, I am only trying to control my ex's relationship. And that is not mine to control. Which leads to 3. My son will have his feelings about his Dad and about our divorce and I can not protect him from those feelings. I can only give him the room to express them.
Forgive me if my newly expanded brain has popped out of your computer and smacked into your face! It is being forced to absorb and process at an alarming rate!
My son has a life with his Dad that does not include me. It is a pretty cool life to a three year old. He eats candy over there, he chews gum, he has a LOT of toys at his Dad's house, his Dad has an I-pad. How do I fit in? I really don't and usually I am content with this. But some old feelings are getting stirred up with this impending trip to his girlfriend's. I did have dreams with my ex, we were building a life together. He also pushed me really hard to have a baby and to get married and when I delivered (ha ha, pun) he left. And now he wants to take my baby to "his affair's" house. Argh, I feel a victim rant coming on-- what was I, just a baby mama?
It is painful when I go down the road of compare and despair. That is really a ridiculously silly, dead end, road to travel, especially when I know that by having left this man, I said YES to a more stable, loving life for both myself and my son. But clearly the internal psyche is not so black and white. There is the grey zone. One of the many reasons for our divorce, my ex's relationship with another woman, is becoming a part of my son's life. It is very challenging for me to have my ex in my life and to stay healthy by constantly redefining my boundaries with him. I can not cut and run and simply play the victim role. To really move on and be strong, not just intellectually but also emotionally, I need to focus on my life in the present. And over time the sad memories of the past will lose their importance. So, I have made some plans to do some fun things for myself while they are away, like playing around in my friend's ceramic studio and going to another friend's house at the beach. I also need to get my hair cut.
Take care,
XO
Single Momista
OK, here is the inside scoop on my life and emotions. My son is going to his Dad's girlfriend's house this month for a few days. (She lives in another state). And what that really means is that my son is going to have his Dad's girlfriend (always known to me as his affair) in his life. AHHHHH. And I gave the trip the OK. Because really, what else could I do? The lady is here to stay and the reality is that the trip probably would have happened whether I approved it or not. For the first time my ex asked my permission about something that involved his girlfriend and our son. And I want more of that behavior over the next eighteen years. So the best approach is to act dignified and get on board, even if it feels to me like I am only pretending to take the high road. My advice to myself: act the way you wish to appear.
My therapist suggested that my ex and I sit down together and talk with our son about the trip so that he knows I give the go ahead. According to her, this will show my son that he doesn't have to take care of my feelings or choose sides out of loyalty to me when he is there. He might do this on his own, but my job is to show him that he can have his own feelings about the trip and about Daddy's "friend" and her two kids. And, she said, if he does have a tantrum while there (rather than saving it up for me when he returns) his Dad will have to deal with it and have a chance to see how his choices affect our son. All this was said to me in the matter of fact manner of a professional. The child in me was internally screaming No way, Mother F-er to my ex while the adult me sat on my therapist's couch and absorbed the odd reality that I really did not have any right to veto the trip. 1. There are no real safety issues, only the imaginary ones in my mind. Like what if the bus to Boston falls on it's side and my son dies. And 2. If I ask them to postpone the trip until next summer, so my son can get to know the "friend" on his home turf more, I am only trying to control my ex's relationship. And that is not mine to control. Which leads to 3. My son will have his feelings about his Dad and about our divorce and I can not protect him from those feelings. I can only give him the room to express them.
Forgive me if my newly expanded brain has popped out of your computer and smacked into your face! It is being forced to absorb and process at an alarming rate!
My son has a life with his Dad that does not include me. It is a pretty cool life to a three year old. He eats candy over there, he chews gum, he has a LOT of toys at his Dad's house, his Dad has an I-pad. How do I fit in? I really don't and usually I am content with this. But some old feelings are getting stirred up with this impending trip to his girlfriend's. I did have dreams with my ex, we were building a life together. He also pushed me really hard to have a baby and to get married and when I delivered (ha ha, pun) he left. And now he wants to take my baby to "his affair's" house. Argh, I feel a victim rant coming on-- what was I, just a baby mama?
It is painful when I go down the road of compare and despair. That is really a ridiculously silly, dead end, road to travel, especially when I know that by having left this man, I said YES to a more stable, loving life for both myself and my son. But clearly the internal psyche is not so black and white. There is the grey zone. One of the many reasons for our divorce, my ex's relationship with another woman, is becoming a part of my son's life. It is very challenging for me to have my ex in my life and to stay healthy by constantly redefining my boundaries with him. I can not cut and run and simply play the victim role. To really move on and be strong, not just intellectually but also emotionally, I need to focus on my life in the present. And over time the sad memories of the past will lose their importance. So, I have made some plans to do some fun things for myself while they are away, like playing around in my friend's ceramic studio and going to another friend's house at the beach. I also need to get my hair cut.
Thank you for listening while I process here. I sure wish I had something way more fattening than strawberries in the house right now! Oh, here is a fruit leather... Not Good Enough---I've got to seriously rethink the food shopping!!
 |
| An old drawing of mine. It's an internally directed effort. |
XO
Single Momista
Thursday, July 28, 2011
Control (or Not to be Controlled)
Hello Readers,
Recently my computer was wiped clean- I don't know what happened, but I lost Every Thing on it and had to bring it to the Apple store to even get it started up again. At that time the news for my astrological sign was talking about letting go of the past... Very Interesting I said as I lost photos of my life before my son was born, photos of my wedding (as you know, my marriage is over anyway) and photos of the first three years of my son's life that I hadn't yet printed (red flag!)... Along with other also stuff that I could find again in emails, like my resumes and cover letters.
Continuing in this vein over the course of this last week, an arm on my glasses broke. They are wearable, but delicate, and yesterday my cell phone broke. There is a pattern here and I'm not sure I want it to continue! I mean, I certainly can not afford the pattern of everything breaking to continue. Oh, and my toaster died too. When clean sweeps like this take place in my life, I'm the type of person who wonders if I am missing an elephant in the room. Stuff like this makes me curious if there something begging to be looked at from another perspective.
My astrology for the past two, almost three years, has been telling me to get rid of toxic stuff in my life or else (please, just go with me on this) and this week I wondered how big the "or else" has to get before I start to let go of the Really Deep Rooted Toxic Stuff, like the negative thinking within my own mind that keeps me down. Or the contact with negative people, or with people who don't understand me and want me to live life their way. Or all the "tough love" characters in my life. Do you see what I'm saying? It might be more simple than all this, but to my pondering mind, the fact that my computer, my glasses, my cell phone and my toaster all broke within a very short time of one another points toward there being a bigger picture to look at.
It also brings up is the question of how much of my life is really in my actual control and how important is that? Is keeping a tight reign on All Things a guarantee that will life continue on, undisturbed forever? What if I let go a bit, will everything completely fall apart? How much can I let go of before it does fall apart? By the way, do I still think falling apart is such a bad thing? My life certainly fell apart from what it was, and while that was horrifying at the time, here I am writing about it in a blog! I'm a survivor (insert singing of Survivor by Destiny's Child) and I certainly have learned a lot about letting go recently.
I ask these questions as I look ahead to the Fall (namely, October) when my year of unemployment will be coming to an end. Ah, panic, panic, panic! This first year that I have been separated and divorced I have been so lucky to have unemployment! Thank you, thank you, thank you! I have been able to work part time and therefore only have my son in daycare part time. I have been able to get my emotional life sorted out, or felt out, as it were. And now here I am in July with a few months ahead of me before I let go of my unemployment and start earning at least as much as it has provided me. Nerve wracking and nervous making because that means another change is coming! I could easily be full of anxiety every second; I feel the panic as I write this! But when I was trying to get a divorce I took small actions every day toward the larger goal and I can do that now. I can stay in touch with myself, rather than trade myself in for the spinning wheels of anxiety. I heard this said in a yoga class this week:
Everything unfolds as it should when you loosen your grip and allow yourself to be open.
Ah, loosening the grip rather than tightening it! Small actions every day rather than holding on in fear.
This week I made my son a calendar of the days of the week he is with me and alternately with his Dad. I figured if I wonder about what I can control in my life, he must feel much more confusion around that in his life. (Whew, I am so glad my camera was not affected by the "clean sweep")!
Take care and thanks for reading!
Recently my computer was wiped clean- I don't know what happened, but I lost Every Thing on it and had to bring it to the Apple store to even get it started up again. At that time the news for my astrological sign was talking about letting go of the past... Very Interesting I said as I lost photos of my life before my son was born, photos of my wedding (as you know, my marriage is over anyway) and photos of the first three years of my son's life that I hadn't yet printed (red flag!)... Along with other also stuff that I could find again in emails, like my resumes and cover letters.
Continuing in this vein over the course of this last week, an arm on my glasses broke. They are wearable, but delicate, and yesterday my cell phone broke. There is a pattern here and I'm not sure I want it to continue! I mean, I certainly can not afford the pattern of everything breaking to continue. Oh, and my toaster died too. When clean sweeps like this take place in my life, I'm the type of person who wonders if I am missing an elephant in the room. Stuff like this makes me curious if there something begging to be looked at from another perspective.
My astrology for the past two, almost three years, has been telling me to get rid of toxic stuff in my life or else (please, just go with me on this) and this week I wondered how big the "or else" has to get before I start to let go of the Really Deep Rooted Toxic Stuff, like the negative thinking within my own mind that keeps me down. Or the contact with negative people, or with people who don't understand me and want me to live life their way. Or all the "tough love" characters in my life. Do you see what I'm saying? It might be more simple than all this, but to my pondering mind, the fact that my computer, my glasses, my cell phone and my toaster all broke within a very short time of one another points toward there being a bigger picture to look at.
It also brings up is the question of how much of my life is really in my actual control and how important is that? Is keeping a tight reign on All Things a guarantee that will life continue on, undisturbed forever? What if I let go a bit, will everything completely fall apart? How much can I let go of before it does fall apart? By the way, do I still think falling apart is such a bad thing? My life certainly fell apart from what it was, and while that was horrifying at the time, here I am writing about it in a blog! I'm a survivor (insert singing of Survivor by Destiny's Child) and I certainly have learned a lot about letting go recently.
I ask these questions as I look ahead to the Fall (namely, October) when my year of unemployment will be coming to an end. Ah, panic, panic, panic! This first year that I have been separated and divorced I have been so lucky to have unemployment! Thank you, thank you, thank you! I have been able to work part time and therefore only have my son in daycare part time. I have been able to get my emotional life sorted out, or felt out, as it were. And now here I am in July with a few months ahead of me before I let go of my unemployment and start earning at least as much as it has provided me. Nerve wracking and nervous making because that means another change is coming! I could easily be full of anxiety every second; I feel the panic as I write this! But when I was trying to get a divorce I took small actions every day toward the larger goal and I can do that now. I can stay in touch with myself, rather than trade myself in for the spinning wheels of anxiety. I heard this said in a yoga class this week:
Everything unfolds as it should when you loosen your grip and allow yourself to be open.
Ah, loosening the grip rather than tightening it! Small actions every day rather than holding on in fear.
This week I made my son a calendar of the days of the week he is with me and alternately with his Dad. I figured if I wonder about what I can control in my life, he must feel much more confusion around that in his life. (Whew, I am so glad my camera was not affected by the "clean sweep")!
 |
| Up top is the time line of "things we do in the day" & then Mommy/Daddy days along bottom. He refers to it now! And is wrapping his head around the idea that we don't have to eat exactly what is in the pictures! |
XO
Single Momista
Friday, July 22, 2011
The In-Between State
Hello,
It's so hot that I can not even think (& I don't know what's going on with this font today). Anyway, just to stay in touch (in 100 degree weather) I'm posting this quote I found by Pema Chodron that is very apropos for my blog :
Life is a good teacher and a good friend. Things are always in transition, if we could only realize it. Nothing ever sums itself up in the way that we like to dream about. The off-center, in-between state is an ideal situation, a situation in which we don’t get caught and we can open our hearts and minds beyond limit. It’s a very tender, nonaggressive, open-ended state of affairs. She survived two divorces, and when her two children were teenagers she became the first American woman to be ordained as Buddhist nun. She found looking at her pain/suffering more useful than escaping it. A very bold move! Also, in lieu of the heat, here is a pic of the refreshing fruit pops I am making this summer:
Stay cool & true to yourself! XO Single Momista |
Saturday, July 9, 2011
One Year Anniversary of Leaving My Husband
Hello,
First I want to say that I got some phone calls & emails from friends informing me that they could not leave comments on my blog. Very Sorry about that. I looked into it and I changed some settings, so hopefully the problemo is solved. I was reading some other blogs recently, one about the shoes a pregnant mom was wearing that day, one about the outfits in someone's closet, and one about pillow cases, and all those blogs had several comments. ... So hopefully if you want to leave one here you now are able to. Please let me know if you still have trouble doing so, I would love to hear from you.
Anyway, for all you photo and interior design lovers, I'm adding a photo from my son's room because I went to IKEA *alone* today and bought a couple things to continue my project of distinguishing his room from my room within our shared bedroom. The blue frame & the hanging stuffed animal netting are my awesome buys from today. Actually, looking closely, I see there is a lot in this picture from IKEA- the bedding, the heart pillow & the rug too. I do love that place.
Going alone to IKEA is a true step towards independence with a Single Momista attitude. That is one place you will not find people leisurely shopping alone. It's all couples, families or roommates nesting up their cozy digs. But I did it today in two hours! I set the alarm on my phone to ring after one hour. When it rang I read my message- Leave IKEA Now - and I got back on track and left an hour later. I will divulge another secret tip- stock up on some wine and spend several months surfing their website, revising your shopping list(s), doing comparison shopping, and measuring items and spaces in your own home many, many times before even considering to step foot into the store.
Ok, now that the idle chit chat has been chatted, I shall segue into something Larger.
The One Year Anniversary Of Me Leaving My Husband.
Yes, that is right. My intense Single Momista life is having an anniversary. WOW.
It has been a weird and sad week and that in itself completely took me by surprise. My chest has been Hurting, really Hurting, Aching like a heartache. Wow, I have come so far this year and it surprises me that I am in Pain this week. It is very disconcerting. My head says the future is now and my heart says Ow, the past. In all my actions of moving ahead towards a better life, I think I often push aside the actual memories of the terrible, gut wrenching experience of divorce. Of the betrayals, the lies, the confusion, the blame taking and the horrible experience of living together, and ignoring each other or openly deploring one another, while trying to figure out my next move. And then court. And now seeing my son go off without me for the weekend. The memories are painful.
I can consciously do restorative yoga, knowing that I need to take things down several notches, or I can go on a date & recognize I am not ready to trust someone in that way just yet, so I do have awareness. But I sometimes conjure up some magical thinking to persuade myself that there is nothing to even grieve about or even to feel pain about. I want it all to be so far, far behind me. But the body knows what the mind forgets, hence the Pain. This week was like an anniversary of a death. I was able to function. I still lived my life. I was just a little off. I forgot my keys in my front door. I had a hard time articulating in front of my class. I wasn't sad per se, but a part of me was very, terribly sad.
My mind went into that crazy place of what have I accomplished this year? I am not a CEO of anything other than my kitchen sink! But it has been a year of living on my own with my son. This is amazing to me. A year involving a six month sublet, and now I am six months into a one year lease. A year of paying the rent and bills. Providing food and clothing for us. Having my son in daycare this past year and now preparing to move him to a Montessori program in the Fall. A year of Feeling Emotions, from the numbness into the pain and then the relief. And now even a few moments of joy and freedom and a sense that it will really be ok, that I could really have a good life. A couple dates recently. New friendships forming with single moms. A blog. Stirrings of creativity. Appreciation and acceptance of my career. A finalized divorce. And an awareness that I need some new clothes this year! I can't be wearing these old things from the last ten years-- I'm a Single Momista! (Maybe I will be posting outfits from my closet in the future).
XO
Single Momista
First I want to say that I got some phone calls & emails from friends informing me that they could not leave comments on my blog. Very Sorry about that. I looked into it and I changed some settings, so hopefully the problemo is solved. I was reading some other blogs recently, one about the shoes a pregnant mom was wearing that day, one about the outfits in someone's closet, and one about pillow cases, and all those blogs had several comments. ... So hopefully if you want to leave one here you now are able to. Please let me know if you still have trouble doing so, I would love to hear from you.
Anyway, for all you photo and interior design lovers, I'm adding a photo from my son's room because I went to IKEA *alone* today and bought a couple things to continue my project of distinguishing his room from my room within our shared bedroom. The blue frame & the hanging stuffed animal netting are my awesome buys from today. Actually, looking closely, I see there is a lot in this picture from IKEA- the bedding, the heart pillow & the rug too. I do love that place.
 |
| Cute & cozy! Now insert me strangling myself with the heart pillow as my son insists I lay on the floor by his bed until he is asleep every night |
 |
| The blue framed "poster" is gift wrapping paper by ecojot.com |
Going alone to IKEA is a true step towards independence with a Single Momista attitude. That is one place you will not find people leisurely shopping alone. It's all couples, families or roommates nesting up their cozy digs. But I did it today in two hours! I set the alarm on my phone to ring after one hour. When it rang I read my message- Leave IKEA Now - and I got back on track and left an hour later. I will divulge another secret tip- stock up on some wine and spend several months surfing their website, revising your shopping list(s), doing comparison shopping, and measuring items and spaces in your own home many, many times before even considering to step foot into the store.
Ok, now that the idle chit chat has been chatted, I shall segue into something Larger.
The One Year Anniversary Of Me Leaving My Husband.
Yes, that is right. My intense Single Momista life is having an anniversary. WOW.
It has been a weird and sad week and that in itself completely took me by surprise. My chest has been Hurting, really Hurting, Aching like a heartache. Wow, I have come so far this year and it surprises me that I am in Pain this week. It is very disconcerting. My head says the future is now and my heart says Ow, the past. In all my actions of moving ahead towards a better life, I think I often push aside the actual memories of the terrible, gut wrenching experience of divorce. Of the betrayals, the lies, the confusion, the blame taking and the horrible experience of living together, and ignoring each other or openly deploring one another, while trying to figure out my next move. And then court. And now seeing my son go off without me for the weekend. The memories are painful.
I can consciously do restorative yoga, knowing that I need to take things down several notches, or I can go on a date & recognize I am not ready to trust someone in that way just yet, so I do have awareness. But I sometimes conjure up some magical thinking to persuade myself that there is nothing to even grieve about or even to feel pain about. I want it all to be so far, far behind me. But the body knows what the mind forgets, hence the Pain. This week was like an anniversary of a death. I was able to function. I still lived my life. I was just a little off. I forgot my keys in my front door. I had a hard time articulating in front of my class. I wasn't sad per se, but a part of me was very, terribly sad.
My mind went into that crazy place of what have I accomplished this year? I am not a CEO of anything other than my kitchen sink! But it has been a year of living on my own with my son. This is amazing to me. A year involving a six month sublet, and now I am six months into a one year lease. A year of paying the rent and bills. Providing food and clothing for us. Having my son in daycare this past year and now preparing to move him to a Montessori program in the Fall. A year of Feeling Emotions, from the numbness into the pain and then the relief. And now even a few moments of joy and freedom and a sense that it will really be ok, that I could really have a good life. A couple dates recently. New friendships forming with single moms. A blog. Stirrings of creativity. Appreciation and acceptance of my career. A finalized divorce. And an awareness that I need some new clothes this year! I can't be wearing these old things from the last ten years-- I'm a Single Momista! (Maybe I will be posting outfits from my closet in the future).
XO
Single Momista
Monday, July 4, 2011
Independence
Hello All,
My ex and I got engaged on the 4th of July....So it's a Loaded Holiday for me, no? YES! A friend wished me Happy Independence and I liked that. Sometimes when I'm worried about money or our future, I forget what is so great about my life now- that I have my independence.
My ex came to pick up my child (our child) yesterday for visitation and my son wanted to show him everything in his room, even how he sleeps in his bed. And then after they went through everything in the bedroom, he wanted his Dad to watch a Scooby Doo video with him on the couch. So my ex was in my house for over an hour, just hanging out! ARGGHHH. And then when he was leaving he told me he was sad, that it is a sad holiday for him.
Boundaries. Need Boundaries. No more hanging out in my house, even if my child loves it. Yuck, the emotional confusion melts over everything in my life. If I had ice cream in the house I would have eaten it all. Instead I ate cereal for dinner. And then cookies. And watched an unimaginable number of Glee episodes on Netflicks. Wow, how come I hadn't discovered Glee before?? Amazing...
I wonder what other single parents eat when their child is off on visitation (your cue to comment if you like)...I notice I'm either eating eggs or cereal. Easy, quick food. Nothing gourmet. Nothing new. When my son is with his Dad it's as if I'm a college student taking a break from the intensity of life, except I'm also doing the laundry, scrubbing the bathroom, mopping the floors and cleaning out the fridge.
My life feels Intense! Parenting is so full on. And then so full off. It's as if there is a Parenting Switch on my back-On/Off. Right now, I'm off & I feel like a half parent. It was very strange to hear myself and my ex both talking with and parenting our child in my house yesterday. We usually only discuss parenting issues over the phone or email. He never gets to see or to be a part of my life with our child and I never get to see or to be a part of his. And my child doesn't get to see or hear his parents working through stuff together. It's a very odd and bittersweet way to have a family.
Love,
Single Momista
My ex and I got engaged on the 4th of July....So it's a Loaded Holiday for me, no? YES! A friend wished me Happy Independence and I liked that. Sometimes when I'm worried about money or our future, I forget what is so great about my life now- that I have my independence.
My ex came to pick up my child (our child) yesterday for visitation and my son wanted to show him everything in his room, even how he sleeps in his bed. And then after they went through everything in the bedroom, he wanted his Dad to watch a Scooby Doo video with him on the couch. So my ex was in my house for over an hour, just hanging out! ARGGHHH. And then when he was leaving he told me he was sad, that it is a sad holiday for him.
 |
| spider web found this morning in my herb box |
Boundaries. Need Boundaries. No more hanging out in my house, even if my child loves it. Yuck, the emotional confusion melts over everything in my life. If I had ice cream in the house I would have eaten it all. Instead I ate cereal for dinner. And then cookies. And watched an unimaginable number of Glee episodes on Netflicks. Wow, how come I hadn't discovered Glee before?? Amazing...
I wonder what other single parents eat when their child is off on visitation (your cue to comment if you like)...I notice I'm either eating eggs or cereal. Easy, quick food. Nothing gourmet. Nothing new. When my son is with his Dad it's as if I'm a college student taking a break from the intensity of life, except I'm also doing the laundry, scrubbing the bathroom, mopping the floors and cleaning out the fridge.
 |
| Grey shape of the Statue of Liberty as seen today, Brooklyn Promenade |
Love,
Single Momista
Sunday, July 3, 2011
4th of July
 |
| Brighton Beach, Brooklyn |
Yes, that's us in the photo, yesterday at the beach! Having a great time, but when I'm taking the photo I often forget to smile! It was the first time we stayed at the beach for 4 hours! And we got sunburned. But after 2 hours my son was warming up to the ocean, dancing around on the beach and pretending to be the man selling hot corn on the cob, so I couldn't leave. It was great. I love living near a beach.
When I was in the midst of my divorce, I wanted to escape and move to the beach. I was thinking somewhere further away, more remote, with grey waters (it was winter) and no cars or other people. Just me, the sad sound of the sea gulls, some deer and pine trees growing in sand. But you know what, I live near the beach, so I guess I am already living my fantasy, just with lots of cars, people and glass on the beach! There are even fireworks every Friday night, not just on the 4th of July!
Happy Weekend everyone!
XO Single Momista
XO Single Momista
Monday, June 20, 2011
Happy Solstice!
Hello everyone,
Let's talk about my second date! So this date had me holding hands with another person, a person who was not my child! And it was great! But, what I noticed about myself on my second date was how closed off I am. So closed off that it's even sad for me to notice myself so closed off. And how afraid I am. Completely afraid. Afraid that this nice person who is holding my hand is after something from me. I've always had a problem with trust, but it was shocking to see how thick the walls of my fortress are. And how self contained I have become. I am so used to being in only "my" space, not crossing over into anyone else's space except my child's. So my second date also revealed how alone I have been feeling. I have really great friends and I am reaching out to and accepting my family more and more, but in the day to day affairs of parenting and living, I have been alone for a long time, even while I was married.
On my Single Momista journey I have started taking anti-depressants. Wow, that has been revealing too! On the anti-depressants, I notice how depressed I actually am!! So I am feeling afraid, alone and depressed. OK, now that I realize these things I can deal with them.
Depressed- got on anti depressants
Afraid- held hands anyway because I do deserve kindness
Alone- here I am writing my blog this week. And I'm considering going to a fiction reading in the community garden tonight.
The feelings all go "hand in hand". Alone, afraid, depressed, or depressed, alone, afraid, which ever comes first, they all intertwine to form a cocoon around me. So I'm noticing it now. I guess that is some healing right there.
I want to say Thank you- some of you have commented on this blog, some have written me elsewhere. Thanks for your love, I feel it. Knowing who is reading my blog is a bit embarrassing; I do feel exposed, but I am trying to keep the big picture in mind- that this blog is about my acceptance that my life is not figured out according to some "perfect" plan, that I am in a Big Transition. And am documenting that transition as a way of accepting that it's o.k. to be here in my messy life. I even realize that life is simply a series of Transitions that accumulate to be a life. Stagnation could be a transition if one then moves out of it into something else. This blog could continue for a long time...
This morning I did something I have not done in a long time- a strong yoga practice at 6 am (my son was at his Dad's). The sequence involved handstand (in the middle of the room) and forearm stand. For me, these poses take a lot of courage and inner strength. Literally, abdominal strength and spiritually, practicing them demands me to be present and willing. Willing to turn everything upside down. Willing to fall and try again. And even willing to peek inwards, into the fear, to check out the growth, challenge and mystery in there. I thought the inversions were a good antidote for my life right now and realized in hindsight that today was the perfect day for them- the day of the Summer Solstice- when the earth turns away from shortened, darken days to longer, sunny ones.
Keep on truckin, XO Single Momista!
Let's talk about my second date! So this date had me holding hands with another person, a person who was not my child! And it was great! But, what I noticed about myself on my second date was how closed off I am. So closed off that it's even sad for me to notice myself so closed off. And how afraid I am. Completely afraid. Afraid that this nice person who is holding my hand is after something from me. I've always had a problem with trust, but it was shocking to see how thick the walls of my fortress are. And how self contained I have become. I am so used to being in only "my" space, not crossing over into anyone else's space except my child's. So my second date also revealed how alone I have been feeling. I have really great friends and I am reaching out to and accepting my family more and more, but in the day to day affairs of parenting and living, I have been alone for a long time, even while I was married.
On my Single Momista journey I have started taking anti-depressants. Wow, that has been revealing too! On the anti-depressants, I notice how depressed I actually am!! So I am feeling afraid, alone and depressed. OK, now that I realize these things I can deal with them.
Depressed- got on anti depressants
Afraid- held hands anyway because I do deserve kindness
Alone- here I am writing my blog this week. And I'm considering going to a fiction reading in the community garden tonight.
The feelings all go "hand in hand". Alone, afraid, depressed, or depressed, alone, afraid, which ever comes first, they all intertwine to form a cocoon around me. So I'm noticing it now. I guess that is some healing right there.
I want to say Thank you- some of you have commented on this blog, some have written me elsewhere. Thanks for your love, I feel it. Knowing who is reading my blog is a bit embarrassing; I do feel exposed, but I am trying to keep the big picture in mind- that this blog is about my acceptance that my life is not figured out according to some "perfect" plan, that I am in a Big Transition. And am documenting that transition as a way of accepting that it's o.k. to be here in my messy life. I even realize that life is simply a series of Transitions that accumulate to be a life. Stagnation could be a transition if one then moves out of it into something else. This blog could continue for a long time...
This morning I did something I have not done in a long time- a strong yoga practice at 6 am (my son was at his Dad's). The sequence involved handstand (in the middle of the room) and forearm stand. For me, these poses take a lot of courage and inner strength. Literally, abdominal strength and spiritually, practicing them demands me to be present and willing. Willing to turn everything upside down. Willing to fall and try again. And even willing to peek inwards, into the fear, to check out the growth, challenge and mystery in there. I thought the inversions were a good antidote for my life right now and realized in hindsight that today was the perfect day for them- the day of the Summer Solstice- when the earth turns away from shortened, darken days to longer, sunny ones.
Keep on truckin, XO Single Momista!
 |
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)