Happy Solstice!

Hello everyone,

Let's talk about my second date! So this date had me holding hands with another person, a person who was not my child! And it was great! But, what I noticed about myself on my second date was how closed off I am. So closed off that it's even sad for me to notice myself so closed off. And how afraid I am. Completely afraid. Afraid that this nice person who is holding my hand is after something from me. I've always had a problem with trust, but it was shocking to see how thick the walls of my fortress are. And how self contained I have become. I am so used to being in only "my" space, not crossing over into anyone else's space except my child's. So my second date also revealed how alone I have been feeling. I have really great friends and I am reaching out to and accepting my family more and more, but in the day to day affairs of parenting and living, I have been alone for a long time, even while I was married.

On my Single Momista journey I have started taking anti-depressants. Wow, that has been revealing too! On the anti-depressants, I notice how depressed I actually am!! So I am feeling afraid, alone and depressed. OK, now that I realize these things I can deal with them.

Depressed- got on anti depressants
Afraid- held hands anyway because I do deserve kindness
Alone- here I am writing my blog this week. And I'm considering going to a fiction reading in the community garden tonight.

The feelings all go "hand in hand". Alone, afraid, depressed, or depressed, alone, afraid, which ever comes first, they all intertwine to form a cocoon around me. So I'm noticing it now. I guess that is some healing right there.

I want to say Thank you- some of you have commented on this blog, some have written me elsewhere. Thanks for your love, I feel it. Knowing who is reading my blog is a bit embarrassing; I do feel exposed, but I am trying to keep the big picture in mind- that this blog is about my acceptance that my life is not figured out according to some "perfect" plan, that I am in a Big Transition. And am documenting that transition as a way of accepting that it's o.k. to be here in my messy life. I even realize that life is simply a series of Transitions that accumulate to be a life. Stagnation could be a transition if one then moves out of it into something else. This blog could continue for a long time...

This morning I did something I have not done in a long time- a strong yoga practice at 6 am (my son was at his Dad's). The sequence involved handstand (in the middle of the room) and forearm stand. For me, these poses take a lot of courage and inner strength. Literally, abdominal strength and spiritually, practicing them demands me to be present and willing. Willing to turn everything upside down. Willing to fall and try again. And even willing to peek inwards, into the fear, to check out the growth, challenge and mystery in there. I thought the inversions were a good antidote for my life right now and realized in hindsight that today was the perfect day for them- the day of the Summer Solstice- when the earth turns away from shortened, darken days to longer, sunny ones.

Keep on truckin, XO Single Momista!

The Nap & Quiet Time

Hi again,
Someone told me if I had more rest I would have a better blog because I would write it more often.. Is that true?  Does posting more often make a blog better?  Anyway, I have posted three times this week!

Let's talk about The Nap for a moment.  Very important for any parent, but extremely important for the Single Parent.  



I have trained my son for The Nap and also for Quiet Time.  Now that he is three years old, I'm never sure which one I will get, but both are nice in their own way.  Nap is a nap and Quiet Time means there will be an early bedtime.  When my son is home with me, mid day goes like this: 
Mommy I'm ready for a nap...
I leap up into the air, as calm as can be, thinking what an amazing son I have who is not afraid to be tired.  I start fervently praying: Please let this fucking thing actually happen, quickly adding Thank you to show my gratitude to the powers that be.  
After all the prenap motions- including the white noise machine, drawn curtains, soothing music, a bottle (Yes! There must be another three year old somewhere who still does this too...?), three books, another bottle!! and hair petting...he pops up smiling: I'm not sleepy!


Well, I sure the hell am!  And hence, Quiet Time was born.


He continues: I have a great idea, why don't you lay on your bed reading a book and I will play in my room quietly.  He has learned to say this after hearing it from me for a year now.  The brilliance on my part is that he now thinks it is his idea!  Great, I love reading on my bed, and there will be an early bedtime, so I can read again later!  By the way, we now share a one bedroom, so me laying on my bed right over There and him playing in his room, right over There now all takes place in the same room.


Quiet time often consists of 20- 30 minutes of me laying on my bed in the middle of the day- heaven in itself- often rereading the same page in my book, while I occasionally remind my son that I am taking a break and not playing with him.  The me laying down part makes it all good.  More often, nowadays, I make some headway and get a new page or two read.  But today I actually fell asleep!  Forty minutes later, (yes that was f.o.r.t.y.) I wake up wondering what I missed!  My son tells me without any prompting:
I went pee pee two times while you were asleep. 
(I'm not even going to pretend to have been reading).
OK
And look at my knee-- I see a "Lightening McQueen" band aid on it.  He scraped himself up that morning, we put a band aid on it before the whole (Momista) Nap went down.  He continues: I have a new band aid.  And I put it on like this-- shows me how he patted his knee.  Before Nap I was so tired and left the box of band aids on the sink at his prompting ...hhmmm..  and Mommy, I tried each band aid on my knee and switched them until I found one I liked. 
I peek in the bathroom to see the floor littered with opened band aid wrappers.  The entire box of close to twenty band aids has either been pressed into the rug, the floor, or the side of the tub.
I'm so well rested, I just say OK.
And I ate tooth paste.
It's a guarantee that Every Single Time he says he does not need me in the bathroom, he is in there eating his Tom's of Maine, flouride free, silly strawberry flavored, toothpaste.  And Every Time I tell him not to eat it.  But today I just say:
OK
And I'm ready for a nap.
OK
And then he promptly passed out for a two hour nap after his forty minutes of complete independence.  Wow, a win-win situation all around in my book!   At the end of the day, (by now it's after 9 pm and he is still awake due to the late nap) once again, I am in my bed praying for him to sleep.  I feel my foot being tickled by guess who... He tells me he is not tickling me, but that I have a bandage on my foot.  He counts to three and pulls a Mater the tow truck band aid off the bottom of it. 

McQueen & Mater

Here is a series of photos I found on my camera, taken while I was sleeping, during Quiet Time today:

hand close up

hand 1

glasses

hand with glasses

XO 
Single Momista

I went on a lunch date

Hi
I know my posts have been heavy, as that's my life right now as I transition into Single Momista! (see rock covered in moss photo from last post).

But I just wanted to say that I had fun today--I went on a lunch date with a Single Dad. This date took two weeks of switching days and times around until it actually happened...today, a few hours ago.

So I just wanted to get that out there into blog-world, as a counter balance to all the heavy Learning Curve stuff!!

And we will do it again, maybe in the Fall, or sooner, which ever happens first, haha!

XO
Single Momista

Annoying ex

Hi

Im just trying to keep writing every week. Life is tough right now and I am exhausted. I am considering moving to where I have family-- being a Single Momista in the city with an annoying (being extremely generous here) ex and no family around is getting too hard for me. The other night I was vomiting for an hour and I still had to get up and take my son to daycare. I would have loved to have had my dad nearby to call on for help.

I'm currently looking for a Parent Coordinator- someone to help set up the visitation schedule for my son, according to what he can handle right now at age 3. I did not know about this professional when I was getting divorced; I don't remember my lawyer suggest that I talk to someone like this. But I know about it now and I might have some leads. My ex, who does not have custody, is such a bully!! He says he will take me to court if I withdraw one of his visitation days. Can he really do that if he doesn't have custody? I think having my son sleep at my house at least 4 days in a row will create more structure, more routine and more stability for him (my son). And that is my goal- to nurture a well adjusted child.

But my ex is freaking out. Meanwhile, he can not show up for his Saturday night. And he is planning to be away with his girlfriend over Father's Day. What a hypocrite.

Again, I repeat, I am so exhausted. I thought divorcing him would be the end of my problems with him, but they continue.

The other weekend he had my son for 24 hours. In that time he introduced him to his girlfriend and her 2 kids. Without telling me first. So I find out from my child, who is screaming about it when he comes back to me. And I'm not prepared to console him, because I am just barely deciphering what the issue is from in between his screams. I really have a classic A-hole ex husband- pursuit of his own happiness at the expense of anyone else.

I need more distance from him, maybe physically, with several states separating us, but definitely distance created by More Boundaries and Clear Rules. Limitations set by the court, someone of authority, providing me with a piece of paper to refer my crazy ex towards. On the other hand, he rejects authority, so today I feel squashed, like I'm in a no-win situation. My only M.O. is to just keep saying what I want with a smile and go for it. He can eat the dust all my "proactions" kick up.

Next time I write I hope to be well rested and in a happy place. Getting there will definitely involve taking anti depressants. The rest of scene might look like me sitting on my new bed, with my new AC blasting, drinking some really good iced tea. And I will be making something with clay- that's what I'm thinking about more and more- ceramics. Also in this dream scenario, people will be leaving comments on my blog!! Even simple ones like, your blog is changing my life, you are an awesome writer, keep it up, hang in there friend, you are not alone, my ex sucks too, my ex died and my problems with him ended, by all means, invest the $300 into pottery classes, you are an artist, don't lose your dreams, happy mom = happy kid, your kid is so lucky, you are so hilarious, it does get better, Momista, you will look back on this one day and be so proud of yourself.

a nice moss covered rock

Ciao for now,
XO
Single Momista