Self Care Part 2

Hello

Last week I implemented a self care plan for myself as a way to calm my stressed self & inadvertently, my stressed son. How did it go, you ask? Well, I found having the Self Care/ Love calendar (see previous post) on the fridge helped as a reminder. Finding something to do for myself each day started with a bang & became more daunting as the week went on. I had to enlist the help of daily reminders to myself that "self care can be subtle, quiet, and might even be normal everyday things, like making a nice dinner". I don't have to do something amazing! every! day! like going on a vacation to Hawaii. For those of you who might feel as depleted as I do and wonder what the heck self care can look like outside of your usual vices, here is the list of nurturing actions I did this past week:

Sat: gardening & morning at the beach, Sun: saw a friend's theater show, Mon: meditated, Tues: took a bath, Wed: attended a parenting workshop, Thurs: made a good dinner, Fri: bought myself a bed with my tax refund, Sat: had a friend over for the afternoon, Sun: shaved my legs, Mon: yoga, Tues: yoga.

A Brooklyn beach...grey, cold, but still the beach!

And, yes, as I was hoping, through the act of naming and listing how I am taking care of myself, I have been able able to approach my son's tantrums differently. Not saintly, but from a different perspective. A perspective that has been there in the past and was recently trampled on by the current chaos called my life. And amazingly, my son has also been a better communicator with words this week too! Usually after the tantrum, but that is to be expected. We had some real progress in the short time of seven days!

By creating moments of calm for myself, my intuition was able to reign from it's proper place again and I realized I need to look at the visitation schedule my ex and I currently have in place. From the information I have subsequently been gleaning from professionals, I have learned that more time at one house is better than switching frequently to see both parents equally. When I was depressed, distraught and brand new to the full on single parenting schedule, even though I abhorred not having my son with me, I did need him to be with his father so I could focus on dealing with my own stuff. Such as my raw emotions, earning an income and getting a good night's sleep. But now that some time has passed, I have to focus on what is best for my son. Something is wrong and he is sending me that message the only way he knows how to right now- loud and clear with daily, full on screaming and hitting tantrums.

When I was first dating my ex I developed insomnia that lasted pretty much until we separated. I was always stressed with him as a result of ping-ponging between different dramas. One example of a drama was his shop lifting (with our baby)! It is still easy for me to get bullied or manipulated by him and to then second guess my intuition, only to find I have been duped in the end. He is not responding well to the new visitation plan I am now offering; and then he does, and then he doesn't and then he does. But time, and the practice of keeping our communication to email, will help me set the boundaries to help me stand my ground with him. After all, the determination to soothe my son, to help him feel secure, and to show him I am listening, is supporting my back.

Or my inner tree!

I hope that makes sense. That's all I've got this week; I'm exhausted (Wed: go to bed early)!

Your truly,
XO
Single Momista

Self Care

Hello all,

Continuing on a bit from the last post, I will repeat that my little son has been so angry lately. Mind blowing angry outbursts come flying out of his mouth with seemingly no external provocation. Where does this come from? Could that be my voice I am hearing, recycled by my 3 year old? I am quick and ready to take all blame, but maybe there is something to that question. What examples of behavior do I give my son? How do I react to big and small things in our life together when I am constantly stressed?

My son wants to be a boy- energy abounds- yet I have to constantly restrict him in our current apartment. Our previous neighbors were relaxed, but in our new home, the downstairs neighbor has knocked on our door several times to complain. I absolutely loathe it, but I find myself on constant repeat with the no running, no jumping, play your cars on the rug only, no throwing in the house, no toys in the kitchen (lest we lose some more cars under the stove) (and then, if I step on another toy in the kitchen, I am throwing it in the garbage)...yadda, yadda, yadda...

When I am stressed I notice that I tend to over discipline, maybe as a way to get control over an-y-thing in my life. It doesn't work though and at home it actually backfires causing my son to be stressed as well. Then the whole power struggle cycle gets repeated, driving me nuts, which in turn, creates more tension and then I just have to eat all the chocolate I have stocked in the house. Some days I have eaten chocolate before eating breakfast! Information which surprises me, and I'm the one doing it! And while chocolate is delicious and does has a calming and grounding effect (dark chocolate) it is sadly, not the best food for consistent, stable moods and energy.

My current solution to my stress is this- look for a new apartment, eat less chocolate, and take better care of myself daily:

my weekly self care calendar

I can already say that this past Saturday my self care was more window box gardening and we also went to the beach, which is my favorite place. On Sunday, I painted my mismatched kitchen table and chairs white and then I put on heels and lipstick and went to see my friend's show. Monday (today) I meditated for 20 minutes.

My goal is one self care action a day so I move away from relying on chocolate and hours of movies on Netflicks to be my soother/number and into activities that actually do soothe and nurture me. Perhaps for me to experience less daily stress, it's now time to discover what my interests are post baby and post divorce. I am a Single Momista after all, who has known success and love and travel and can maybe do so again, post baby and post divorce.

Off the top of my head I can immediately list a few things I am interested in right now. First of all, finding a yoga teacher to study with is necessary both for my own teaching and my state of mind. Pottery classes would be great, glass blowing classes too, and more day trips to the beach and to the botanic garden. Also, making a weekly food plan for our meals, something I have done in the past but have lost track of recently, is back on starting this week and will help me to eat more healthily.

Will taking care of myself in body, belly and spirit create a calmer Single Momista so that my son is not so tense, stressed and angry? Yes. But there might be more to his anger issue. He is, after all, a very young child of divorced parents, going back and forth between two homes. Before I stay up all night worrying about how my divorce and resulting financial and energetic stress is messing him up, I will remind myself of the very proactive, adult thing I am doing for him this week- I am attending a parenting workshop on "the child who acts out at home" and am counting on that to provide some professional insight.

The transition continues...
XO
Single Momista

Thank You, It's a new day

Hello there,

Today is a new day. Different from yesterday because yesterday was Mother's Day. And we, meaning me and my strange to me now, how did my sweet baby become this absolute tyrannical 3 year old, did not have a smooth day at all. Granted, it was my first ever Mother's Day divorced and maybe I was surprisingly sad, but what I noticed immediately was that there was no one orchestrating a happy day filled with special things and well timed affections. Instead, I made us a nice breakfast and then proceeded to not enjoy my son throwing toys in the house and at me, yelling at me at the top of his lungs and telling he is hungry and then refusing to eat, all on constant repeat throughout the morning and well into the afternoon. Yes, I had a full-on cry fest before 9 am, and then we went to a friend's house for brunch, which was really nice. I wonder why they offered me a whiskey at 11 am, maybe I had mascara all over my cheeks...

Aligrrrrrtor

I saw a red flag peeking out there, during my meltdown. I realized I might just partially be flirting with the edges of my worst idea of the cliche single mom-- cranky, if not downright angry, with my patience worn to the bone which leads me to fly off the handle, over discipline, burst into tears and pass out on the bean bag next to my son's bed at 8:30 pm. My moods are most glaring when I am feeling Isolated. Sometimes, not always, but sometimes, Yes, it really sucks being a Single Momista! And experiencing the feeling "Isolated" really sucks most of all. Some days I only speak to a 3 year old boy and rehash old conversations with adults in my head. Post it note to self: Make More Phone Calls!

But, here is a picture of me today, the day after Mother's Day, while my son was with his Dad (relief mixed with sad feelings. Ah, so many feelings involved with being a parent). I was in the park and called my Girlista friend so I would not feel so isolated. Amazingly, when I called her she was in the park just several yards from me and took my photo:

Sunny Spring day, Brooklyn

So I will say a few words of gratitude here:
I am grateful I have friends
I am grateful for Spring days

I am grateful for butterfly kites.
I am grateful I will take a parenting workshop "Children who act out at home"
I am grateful for my son's many, spontaneous bursts of squeezing affection.

Yes, I have to clean my lens

Stay tuned & true to yourself,

XO 

Single Momista

Money Talks some more

missed a week of blogging while at grandpa's house

I will attempt to keep this More Money Talk simple, ha ha! This post is specifically for the Momista in a difficult, controlling or abusive relationship. If you lovely people following my blog know someone in this situation please pass this post on to her!

A few notes from my Personal Learning Curve:

1. If your spouse is controlling You by controlling the Money, here is a suggestion given to me by my sister, who is an accountant and a tax evasion expert. As regularly as you can, put some money on a store gift card for your future. It's a sure way to save money for your future expenses or even to have the means to buy basic necessities when your money is being controlled. I often used a local pharmacy to buy basics, so twice a month, right after payday, I put $20. to $50. on a store gift card. I saved the cards up and used them as cash when I moved out. If your spouse is controlling your money and therefore, your freedom, my suggestion would be to start doing this Today. The more money put away on gift cards = more money you will have saved up for yourself. When I was going through my divorce my lawyer asked for information on all bank accounts. If I had started a private savings account for myself, it would no longer have been private. And my husband would have been eligible for half the money I had saved up for myself and my son. But the gift cards were my private reserve of future cash. I felt duplicitous while doing it, but it was an imperative action that I had to take for my future.

2. Also, if you can swing it without being questioned by your spouse, every time you purchase something, get at least $10. cash back and put this in a safe place. This can be your cash reserve to get a cab to safety if your spouse is aggressive or you might find you end up with enough money to put a deposit on an apartment. You can also use this money for store gift cards.

3. The day before your court date for divorce, take your name off ALL and I repeat ALL shared bills. I did this on all bills except the electric bill and am now dealing with my irresponsible ex husband's $1000. defaulted utility bill as both our names are on the bill! This is a big Personal Learning Curve Lesson of mine! Why did I expect my ex to miraculously transform into someone who is committed to doing the right thing? Because expecting him to change gives me the chance to participate in a favorite activity of mine- walking full speed ahead into a closed glass door. Do not expect your spouse to suddenly become that person you want them to be! You are getting divorced! Take your name off all shared bills!

Writing about my relationship, albeit thru money, is upsetting for me. So I will leave it there for now and go buy some herbs for my window boxes. Lemon balm, mint, chives, dill, parsley and thyme...Lemon balm tea is very soothing.
XO,
Single Momista

so far I have returning chives & lemon balm from a friend