Monday, October 24, 2011
Single Momista: Halloween and All Soul's Day
Single Momista: Halloween and All Soul's Day: Hello All, My mother died forty years ago, on Nov 1. So the day before this date, Halloween, and the day after, All Soul's Day, truly reso...
Halloween and All Soul's Day
Hello All,
My mother died forty years ago, on Nov 1. So the day before this date, Halloween, and the day after, All Soul's Day, truly resonate with me. I was twenty-two months old when my mother died so it's that lil baby in me who deals with the annual recurrence of devastating memories. The weeks leading up to Halloween are extremely tricky. There is always a familiar sense of impending doom, extreme sadness and anger, compounded with the desire to shut everything down and hibernate. Even forty years later. But Halloween has always been a helpful holiday for me because everyone is dressed up and visiting their dark sides which allows any odd behavior on my part to slip by undetected. The day after is always a relief, like whew, I made it through and amazingly enough it is All Soul's Day, so I can honor her publicly. I am "lucky" to have these particular holidays surrounding the anniversary of her death. Plus, November 1 is my brother's birthday.
But parenting my own child is the most difficult task in the world when I am battling such enormous memories of loss. I am pretty shut down and getting through these days kind of on auto pilot; doing things from memory- tea in the morning, followed by breakfast, get dressed, make bed, etc. I am very preoccupied which can translate to: my threshold for tolerance and patience has been tossed in the garbage. I do plenty of reading about parenting (since I don't have a mother to ask) and I have been trying to implement the "Mommy time out" to get a breather in when I need to separate myself from my son. But as he won't actually let me take a moment to myself, this has not yet been successful.
This week I have found myself yelling and by that I mean SCREAMING like an animal at my child when he does something like hit me, or say no to me, or test me in another way. For example saying he is hungry after we are well into the bed time routine elicited an avalanche response that will not be forgotten and will most likely be retold by my son to his future therapist. Lesson learned, never again will I read my son a book that mentions food during bedtime stories. And he went to bed without the apple. And he slept through the night, so I know he wasn't starving. But my voice hurt from yelling so loud. And I felt terrible for acting like a crazy person and scaring my son. Yes, I definitely overreacted. And then I forgave myself and went to sleep, hibernating for a few hours.
Single parenting my child right now is just too much for me while I am experiencing such deep rooted feelings of loss, abandonment, and even betrayal. I have thought about what would happen if I didn't go pick him up from his Dad's on Tuesday morning. Or more responsibly, what if I asked his Dad to watch him all week? I know that is not really a possibility, but I can plan ahead to ask this next year. It also brings up that I don't have a babysitter for my son. He is in school three days a week, but I could use a babysitter this week to watch him on the other two days so I can get my "Mommy time out". Taking care of myself should be my first priority right now and always. Put the mask on me first if the plane is going down so I can then take care of my son.
Asking for help should be on the top of every Single Momista's list, but is not often on mine, not even to be found scribbled at the bottom. But I am certainly rethinking this as I move through my Learning Curve of how this single parenting thing will work the best for everyone.
I'm going to make some breakfast.
Take care,
XO
Single Momista
My mother died forty years ago, on Nov 1. So the day before this date, Halloween, and the day after, All Soul's Day, truly resonate with me. I was twenty-two months old when my mother died so it's that lil baby in me who deals with the annual recurrence of devastating memories. The weeks leading up to Halloween are extremely tricky. There is always a familiar sense of impending doom, extreme sadness and anger, compounded with the desire to shut everything down and hibernate. Even forty years later. But Halloween has always been a helpful holiday for me because everyone is dressed up and visiting their dark sides which allows any odd behavior on my part to slip by undetected. The day after is always a relief, like whew, I made it through and amazingly enough it is All Soul's Day, so I can honor her publicly. I am "lucky" to have these particular holidays surrounding the anniversary of her death. Plus, November 1 is my brother's birthday.
 |
| rainbow reflection on my wall |
But parenting my own child is the most difficult task in the world when I am battling such enormous memories of loss. I am pretty shut down and getting through these days kind of on auto pilot; doing things from memory- tea in the morning, followed by breakfast, get dressed, make bed, etc. I am very preoccupied which can translate to: my threshold for tolerance and patience has been tossed in the garbage. I do plenty of reading about parenting (since I don't have a mother to ask) and I have been trying to implement the "Mommy time out" to get a breather in when I need to separate myself from my son. But as he won't actually let me take a moment to myself, this has not yet been successful.
This week I have found myself yelling and by that I mean SCREAMING like an animal at my child when he does something like hit me, or say no to me, or test me in another way. For example saying he is hungry after we are well into the bed time routine elicited an avalanche response that will not be forgotten and will most likely be retold by my son to his future therapist. Lesson learned, never again will I read my son a book that mentions food during bedtime stories. And he went to bed without the apple. And he slept through the night, so I know he wasn't starving. But my voice hurt from yelling so loud. And I felt terrible for acting like a crazy person and scaring my son. Yes, I definitely overreacted. And then I forgave myself and went to sleep, hibernating for a few hours.
Single parenting my child right now is just too much for me while I am experiencing such deep rooted feelings of loss, abandonment, and even betrayal. I have thought about what would happen if I didn't go pick him up from his Dad's on Tuesday morning. Or more responsibly, what if I asked his Dad to watch him all week? I know that is not really a possibility, but I can plan ahead to ask this next year. It also brings up that I don't have a babysitter for my son. He is in school three days a week, but I could use a babysitter this week to watch him on the other two days so I can get my "Mommy time out". Taking care of myself should be my first priority right now and always. Put the mask on me first if the plane is going down so I can then take care of my son.
Asking for help should be on the top of every Single Momista's list, but is not often on mine, not even to be found scribbled at the bottom. But I am certainly rethinking this as I move through my Learning Curve of how this single parenting thing will work the best for everyone.
I'm going to make some breakfast.
Take care,
XO
Single Momista
Monday, October 17, 2011
Single Momista: Amicable relations with Ex Hubs
Single Momista: Amicable relations with Ex Hubs: Hi Readers, My son is always with his dad from Sunday into Tuesday morning. So Monday morning I can sit on my bed in silence, writing, rea...
Amicable relations with Ex Hubs
Hi Readers,
My son is always with his dad from Sunday into Tuesday morning. So Monday morning I can sit on my bed in silence, writing, reading, drinking my tea. This morning I am looking out the window towards a nice morning sky. My camera is having technical difficulties so I can not add my own picture here, but I found this quote on the Internet:
'A leaf fluttered in through the window this morning, as if supported by the rays of the sun, a bird settled on the fire escape, joy in the task of coffee, joy accompanied me as I walked.' ~ Anais Nin
But in my case it would be- joy in the task of two cups of green tea, joy accompanied me as I sat in my bed. I know that for many of you Monday morning is not peaceful and leisurely, so I am not even going to mention that I am also still in my pajamas.
What has forced me to sit in my bed this morning can be described quite simply as exhaustion. I have have added five classes to my teaching schedule this Fall. My son also has a new schedule which leaves me less downtime to take care of my "chores" without him. It was two months ago that I noticed I should wash the kitchen floor and it hasn't been done yet (I guess that explains my lack of allowance). My father is visiting next week, so I've got to get to that floor before then. I think I will go back to the Swiffer mop. Even though the mop pads cost more than soap and water, they are so much easier. And whatever makes life easier is the way to go as a Single Momista.
I have lots of mom friends and know that all moms are exhausted. Some moms even have more than one kid. Some single moms don't have an ex who shares responsibility. There are all kinds of things going on for everyone. But partnered up or single, everyone who has a child is most likely exhausted.
I can only do one thing at a time. And in this instance I am not talking about "Acceptance" that a yoga teacher (like myself) might talk about. What I mean is that new work and school schedules are exhausting and take time to get used to and in the meantime I find myself eating bread with butter on it. And then I have an avocado later. And then, what's this? A half eaten string cheese is found in my bag while I'm locating my wallet at the cashier. But I can not seem to make the sandwich and eat the whole thing at one time. I take a shower, but then I have to shave my legs, sometimes immediately after my shower, in the bathroom sink. And sometimes I wash my hair hanging over the tub while my son is taking his bath. And what about my feet? Teaching yoga is a barefoot job, so I really have to take care of my feet but often I just am too tired and forget. So at some point I put a Curious George video for my son which gives me 15- 30 minutes to soak my feet in the tub and go at them with a pumice stone.
Occasionally I do take a shower and do all the rest of it at the same time and I feel amazing! I feel like I did before I had a baby! Sometimes I do make a sandwich for myself or a meal, and again, I feel like this is a major accomplishment. I have had huge successes in my life and taking a shower was never one of them until I had a child. At the end of the day I often have to force myself to take a shower (adult tantrum, anyone?) because I have fallen asleep while putting my son to bed and do not want to wake up and take care of all that other stuff.
But exhaustion can have it's up side. For example, the amicable state of my relationship with my ex right now is definitely due in part to my exhaustion. He still annoys the tofu out of me, but I just can't focus on him right now. And that is so beneficial for my overall state of mind! I'm very accustomed to being angry, annoyed or disappointed with him. And I still am, but to a much lesser degree. I suppose this is the middle ground that people call "the grey zone". A zone that I haven't had much experience with as I'm more of a swinger between black and white. It's either love or hate for me. I know that trying on the grey zone relationship with my ex has a lot to do with how much stronger I feel as a person today, post divorce, as I heal from the effects of divorce (panic/disappointment/betrayal/survival mode, to name a few). And yes, after six years, I am finally having some acceptance of who I have a child with. But being exhausted also makes me focus more on my Self and less so on him.
If you can relate to anything I have said here, please write me a comment below. I would love to hear from you!
My son is always with his dad from Sunday into Tuesday morning. So Monday morning I can sit on my bed in silence, writing, reading, drinking my tea. This morning I am looking out the window towards a nice morning sky. My camera is having technical difficulties so I can not add my own picture here, but I found this quote on the Internet:
'A leaf fluttered in through the window this morning, as if supported by the rays of the sun, a bird settled on the fire escape, joy in the task of coffee, joy accompanied me as I walked.' ~ Anais Nin
But in my case it would be- joy in the task of two cups of green tea, joy accompanied me as I sat in my bed. I know that for many of you Monday morning is not peaceful and leisurely, so I am not even going to mention that I am also still in my pajamas.
What has forced me to sit in my bed this morning can be described quite simply as exhaustion. I have have added five classes to my teaching schedule this Fall. My son also has a new schedule which leaves me less downtime to take care of my "chores" without him. It was two months ago that I noticed I should wash the kitchen floor and it hasn't been done yet (I guess that explains my lack of allowance). My father is visiting next week, so I've got to get to that floor before then. I think I will go back to the Swiffer mop. Even though the mop pads cost more than soap and water, they are so much easier. And whatever makes life easier is the way to go as a Single Momista.
I have lots of mom friends and know that all moms are exhausted. Some moms even have more than one kid. Some single moms don't have an ex who shares responsibility. There are all kinds of things going on for everyone. But partnered up or single, everyone who has a child is most likely exhausted.
I can only do one thing at a time. And in this instance I am not talking about "Acceptance" that a yoga teacher (like myself) might talk about. What I mean is that new work and school schedules are exhausting and take time to get used to and in the meantime I find myself eating bread with butter on it. And then I have an avocado later. And then, what's this? A half eaten string cheese is found in my bag while I'm locating my wallet at the cashier. But I can not seem to make the sandwich and eat the whole thing at one time. I take a shower, but then I have to shave my legs, sometimes immediately after my shower, in the bathroom sink. And sometimes I wash my hair hanging over the tub while my son is taking his bath. And what about my feet? Teaching yoga is a barefoot job, so I really have to take care of my feet but often I just am too tired and forget. So at some point I put a Curious George video for my son which gives me 15- 30 minutes to soak my feet in the tub and go at them with a pumice stone.
Occasionally I do take a shower and do all the rest of it at the same time and I feel amazing! I feel like I did before I had a baby! Sometimes I do make a sandwich for myself or a meal, and again, I feel like this is a major accomplishment. I have had huge successes in my life and taking a shower was never one of them until I had a child. At the end of the day I often have to force myself to take a shower (adult tantrum, anyone?) because I have fallen asleep while putting my son to bed and do not want to wake up and take care of all that other stuff.
But exhaustion can have it's up side. For example, the amicable state of my relationship with my ex right now is definitely due in part to my exhaustion. He still annoys the tofu out of me, but I just can't focus on him right now. And that is so beneficial for my overall state of mind! I'm very accustomed to being angry, annoyed or disappointed with him. And I still am, but to a much lesser degree. I suppose this is the middle ground that people call "the grey zone". A zone that I haven't had much experience with as I'm more of a swinger between black and white. It's either love or hate for me. I know that trying on the grey zone relationship with my ex has a lot to do with how much stronger I feel as a person today, post divorce, as I heal from the effects of divorce (panic/disappointment/betrayal/survival mode, to name a few). And yes, after six years, I am finally having some acceptance of who I have a child with. But being exhausted also makes me focus more on my Self and less so on him.
 |
| I found this poster on the street |
 |
| fall flower shopping with my helper |
Take care & carry on
XO
Single Momista
Saturday, October 1, 2011
New Responsibility
Hello all faithful readers,
Gosh, rather than reducing my responsibilities (and therefore my stress) I have added to them this week by adopting a Betta fish from a friend who is moving. Mind you, this is a single mom friend who managed to keep this fish alive for a year already, so, like, no pressure! Yes, well... if you google anything re Betta fish, you will learn that when you acquire one housed in a small bowl you Need to Purchase a large enough tank for the fish to Thrive, not Survive in, along with gravel and some plants to create hiding places. It's interesting to build up a fish tank and create a safe space within four glass walls. I also need a hiding place sometimes. Sharing a room with my son makes that difficult but I am now thinking about how I can make the living room more cozy and carve out a "Mommy's corner" or chair. The concept of the lazy boy chair for Dad now makes complete sense to me. Prior to owning Freddy The Fish I categorized it as a really bad design element, but now I get the safe space reality.
Anyway, my darling son (aged 3.5 years) told me that his job would be feeding Freddy The Fish, changing his water, and making sure his plant (now plants) are standing straight. I thought to myself: Wow, only three weeks in and his Montessori school is already teaching him a sense of responsibility! I also knew that soon enough he would be delegating these tasks to me, his subordinate. And here I am, two days into Freddy, boiling rocks found in the park, dripping vinegar on them to test for something or other, and $75. in the hole due to research on the web about our "easy to care for" fish. All while my son is playing with his I-Pad at his Dad's house. Take it from me, if you have a kitchen floor to wash, some receipts from the last month to put into your spending plan, or you have a penchant for Feng Shui, setting up your fish tank will happily distract and occupy you for some time.
While the pH level of the water situates itself I hope our one fish will survive as I acclimate him to a new tank. To help things move along more smoothly I have taken out my contact lenses to easier read the tank's instruction guide at a distance that is closer than two feet from my face. Noticing my aging can be "eye opening" (I am getting really good with the puns)! Especially in conjunction with not having legally documented my child's guardian or not having a retirement savings account when I am a freelance worker, or what about, not having had a lover in a couple years and wondering how that will play out now that I am over 40 years of age... Maybe I am turning into a cliche of the single mom lady with no sex life... i.e., quick to ignite over simple things like banging one's head on the towel rack, again, while standing up after wiping one's son's bottom. But, I must say that I did see a handsome, interesting looking man with a nice voice in the wine shop tonight, and that was before I had a glass of wine (hey Handsome, have you heard the one about poop?). So there is a benefit to buying a bottle of wine, if only to stir up that curious beast within. P.S. I don't usually notice handsome, interesting men these days, although I Am Not Old, just preoccupied with raising my son. And earning enough money that might be spent on creating relaxing spaces in our apartment such as a beautiful and peaceful 2.5 gallon fish tank.
This weekend I am participating in a Restorative Yoga teachers training with one of my first yoga teachers from 20 years ago. It's been said that you teach what you need to learn and I couldn't agree more. While going through the legalities of my divorce, I went to a weekly Restorative Yoga class for six months. And while attending this weekend training I am reminded that I still need a weekly restorative practice to maintain my personal pH levels. Restorative Yoga is great for today's society, where we are on auto pilot most of the time, have less boundaries between work and self, and often don't even know where we really begin and end. For those of you reading this- take a break into child's pose right now- sit on your heels, forehead resting forward on the floor, arms either along your side, or stretched in front, or making a pillow for your head. Take 25 breaths, come up and then decide how you want to continue your day. (see photo below).
All the best,
XO
Single Momista
Gosh, rather than reducing my responsibilities (and therefore my stress) I have added to them this week by adopting a Betta fish from a friend who is moving. Mind you, this is a single mom friend who managed to keep this fish alive for a year already, so, like, no pressure! Yes, well... if you google anything re Betta fish, you will learn that when you acquire one housed in a small bowl you Need to Purchase a large enough tank for the fish to Thrive, not Survive in, along with gravel and some plants to create hiding places. It's interesting to build up a fish tank and create a safe space within four glass walls. I also need a hiding place sometimes. Sharing a room with my son makes that difficult but I am now thinking about how I can make the living room more cozy and carve out a "Mommy's corner" or chair. The concept of the lazy boy chair for Dad now makes complete sense to me. Prior to owning Freddy The Fish I categorized it as a really bad design element, but now I get the safe space reality.
Anyway, my darling son (aged 3.5 years) told me that his job would be feeding Freddy The Fish, changing his water, and making sure his plant (now plants) are standing straight. I thought to myself: Wow, only three weeks in and his Montessori school is already teaching him a sense of responsibility! I also knew that soon enough he would be delegating these tasks to me, his subordinate. And here I am, two days into Freddy, boiling rocks found in the park, dripping vinegar on them to test for something or other, and $75. in the hole due to research on the web about our "easy to care for" fish. All while my son is playing with his I-Pad at his Dad's house. Take it from me, if you have a kitchen floor to wash, some receipts from the last month to put into your spending plan, or you have a penchant for Feng Shui, setting up your fish tank will happily distract and occupy you for some time.
While the pH level of the water situates itself I hope our one fish will survive as I acclimate him to a new tank. To help things move along more smoothly I have taken out my contact lenses to easier read the tank's instruction guide at a distance that is closer than two feet from my face. Noticing my aging can be "eye opening" (I am getting really good with the puns)! Especially in conjunction with not having legally documented my child's guardian or not having a retirement savings account when I am a freelance worker, or what about, not having had a lover in a couple years and wondering how that will play out now that I am over 40 years of age... Maybe I am turning into a cliche of the single mom lady with no sex life... i.e., quick to ignite over simple things like banging one's head on the towel rack, again, while standing up after wiping one's son's bottom. But, I must say that I did see a handsome, interesting looking man with a nice voice in the wine shop tonight, and that was before I had a glass of wine (hey Handsome, have you heard the one about poop?). So there is a benefit to buying a bottle of wine, if only to stir up that curious beast within. P.S. I don't usually notice handsome, interesting men these days, although I Am Not Old, just preoccupied with raising my son. And earning enough money that might be spent on creating relaxing spaces in our apartment such as a beautiful and peaceful 2.5 gallon fish tank.
This weekend I am participating in a Restorative Yoga teachers training with one of my first yoga teachers from 20 years ago. It's been said that you teach what you need to learn and I couldn't agree more. While going through the legalities of my divorce, I went to a weekly Restorative Yoga class for six months. And while attending this weekend training I am reminded that I still need a weekly restorative practice to maintain my personal pH levels. Restorative Yoga is great for today's society, where we are on auto pilot most of the time, have less boundaries between work and self, and often don't even know where we really begin and end. For those of you reading this- take a break into child's pose right now- sit on your heels, forehead resting forward on the floor, arms either along your side, or stretched in front, or making a pillow for your head. Take 25 breaths, come up and then decide how you want to continue your day. (see photo below).
 |
| Bowing inwards and also to Freddy the Fish. |
All the best,
XO
Single Momista
Single Momista: New Responsibility
Single Momista: New Responsibility: Hello all faithful readers, Gosh, rather than reducing my responsibilities (and therefore my stress) I have added to them this week by...
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