The many layers of Feelings

hand no band

Last week my lawyer called to tell me I am now divorced! It is supposed to be good news, but I am confused about what I am actually feeling. When I was in court four months ago, I thought my marriage was legally dissolved the day the judge granted the divorce, December 7, 2010. At that time I felt a plethora of feelings; sadness, loss, betrayal, abandonment, anger, confusion, nervousness, uncertainty about how I would do this next part of my life, and also relief. And I felt divorced, officially separated from the man who had been my husband, cut off from the dreams I had dreamed about us. But when I went to file my taxes this Spring, I was told I was not yet divorced, that my lawyer was still waiting for the judge to sign the divorce papers. So I had been married these past months (say what??) and had to file my taxes as Married, Filing Separately.

I decided to look at the stages of grief to help me identify what I might have felt in the past to help me recognize what I might be feeling now. The stages are:
Protection: Shock, Denial
Feeling: Anger, Shame/Guilt, Sadness
Healing: Acceptance, Hope

Oh yes, my good friend and protector, Denial. Denial is definitely a river that has flowed and will most likely flow again through my house. Being in denial was like being in a swaddling blanket, wrapped up tight and secure. I was protected from the reality I could not bear to face. I stayed there for some time because the reality of my situation was too painful for me to handle. Close friends and family were mentioning unspeakable things to me like affair & divorce. But I could not hear them clearly. I thought it was the phone connection, but now I know it was Denial.

Next came lots of Anger and still more anger and even today there is anger. Anger can be a great motivator, it can be a forward moving emotion. Anger allowed me to start talking about, or more likely, spouting off like a hissing radiator, about my marriage with my friends and family. And it led me to take some serious actions, such as talking about divorce and looking for a lawyer. I also house sat my friend's homes when they went away on vacation. I was drawing my line in the sand saying enough is enough; I am over here now.

Guilt, Shame and Bargaining- Maybe going to couple's therapy was a way to bargain. If my husband could explain himself so that I could understand and also accept his reasoning, then maybe I would not have to get divorced and become a (gasp!) single mother! It took me some months to detach myself from opinions I thought others would have of me. I was worried I would be seen as "one who gives up" and that I did not try hard enough for my marriage. And I was definitely afraid of becoming an outcast as a single mother. When it became clear to me that what I would be accepting by staying in my marriage was betrayal, deception, cheating, stealing, disrespect, abuse and neglect, I understood that I had no choice. I could not stay married to this man and raise my child in an unloving home. And I deserved more! Anger came back again. Why was this happening to me?? Also fear and a horrible feeling of being trapped. Guilt and shame made me feel like a victim. But I was also trying desperately to get a mediator. All three mediators I spoke with said I definitely needed a lawyer. So I kept trying to get a free lawyer. And I got a therapist. When I got a therapist, I was able to move into Sadness. And then I found a lawyer.

The first three months after I left my husband the feelings of Sadness were extreme. No wonder I had so much anger earlier on in the grief process. Anger protects us from the sadness. The realization that I had left my marriage, that my little family I had formed was dissolving and therefore that this part of my identity was gone was so incredibly sad, but I was working full time and could only really deal with my sadness on the weekends, when my son went to his Dad's (saying it like that created more separation). And then there was also the sadness of not having my son with me on the weekends. I was too sad to feel the Sadness so I drank a lot of wine and watched six straight seasons of Desperate Housewives on Netflicks. But after three months of numbness, I was ready for the feelings and the Sadness was there waiting for me. It did suck, just like the other stages did, but being in therapy helped and as did my garden of vegetables and herbs. I was also doing restorative yoga.

cherry tomato last summer

Even a flicker of Sadness will strike a fear in me. I always think the feelings will be worse than they are, that I will relive my lifetime of debilitating moments. But really, under the Denial was Sadness, under the Anger was Sadness; Sadness has been there for a couple years. So it's not so bad anymore. What did I watch recently that got the tears flowing and released some feelings- The Switch with Jennifer Aniston. Please, I have an MFA in Performance and Video Art. I've seen all the amazing films art students and film buffs see, but nowadays I don't want smart or amazing, a simple tear jerker is where I'm at. And I'm always looking for new ones, so please leave some suggestions in the Comments section down below.

So now that I am actually and officially Divorced (feels like again) it is very tempting to go back into all the Anger and Sadness. But oddly enough, I am not feeling it. I might be in Acceptance and maybe even Hope, since I am writing a blog about it all. Hmm, interesting and High five to me.

XO,

Single Momista

(P.S. If you want to "follow me", I would love to have you in the followers section up at the right).

I'm dreaming and financial security

It has been difficult for me to get this next post off the ground with the heavy subject of Money but I am hoisting it forth. I thought I would also include my quest for a new bed since money interferes with my sleep. Or rather, worrying about money does. And my actual lack of money keeps me awake, too. Also, having a toddler is not as restful as I would like, either. I just want to sleep!!! (Adult whining) And to have some financial security! And to earn enough money to live in a two bedroom apartment! A woman in my yoga class this week had the words "Im Dreaming" on the back of her sweatshirt and I thought, Yes! That is my aspiration! Dreaming while sleeping and also dreaming of how my life can be bigger, more prosperous and more abundant as I go forth as a Single Momista. (I ironed the words onto a towel).

Last week's blog was much easier to write because it was retrospective and showed me moving forward. But money issues are current for me and feel like quick sand. I want to be inspirational and say Yes you Can get divorced if you are poor, I am the proof and this blog will hopefully show how I accomplish that and thrive. But I am also saying that it is hard. When I was still living with my husband, I read The Complete Single Mother by Andrea Engber. One statement she made that reoccurringly echoes back to me is that after a divorce, the financial state of most single mothers declines. At the time, I did not know what she meant exactly, similar to how a first time pregnant woman is clueless as to how her life will change when her baby is born. But I would never exchange my child for my old life of being single and well rested, and I will never return to my husband! I'm willing to put up with my Personal Learning Curve of how to be a Single Momista just as I'm willing to wipe my son's bottom. I know he will take over that action one day and I hope I will not be stuck here in Transition forever.

I thought leaving behind the bed I shared with my husband would give me a fresh start. After a couple months on an air mattress, I bought a bed from a person I knew, who was moving. A brand new bed is out of the question when I am taking money from the bills to to pay the rent and vice versa. Unbeknownst to me at the time, this person sold me a bed with bedbugs. So now I'm not only out a bed, but also out the money I paid for the bed, and out the money it takes to deal with bedbugs- we are talking Lots of Laundry, and sleepless, paranoid nights! Maybe this is something The Complete Single Mother was talking about. In retrospect, I would take the marriage bed with me and wait for the fresh start when I could afford to buy a new bed from a store.

My Personal Learning Curve tends to feel extremely difficult while I am being pushed along it. Old stuff has to be cleared out for the new to have any room to grow. My divorce is part of that, and I am willing to sleep on the couch (taking a break from the air mattress) and to buy food with food stamps to get out of that abusive, toxic relationship (more on both of those later). Confronting the woman who sold me the bed was difficult, but I did it. Then the Big Tax Return I was expecting this year took a detour. That was very difficult to stomach and would go under Money = Quick Sand in my files. But by the week's end I was able see the positive effort on my end of standing up for myself and being willing to do the work to appeal both the federal and the state agency's decisions. My Single Momista way of creating room for the new behavior means taking care of things the best I can, when they arise, rather than sweeping them under the rug forever.

In yoga we often hear: It's the journey on your yoga mat that is the essence of your yoga, not the end result of a perfected pose. Meaning that the effort you put in by repeatedly showing up is what makes your practice flourish. Appealing the government's decision regarding my taxes is me showing up and putting in the effort. Writing my monthly bills out on my calendar is me doing the same. Some months I can show up with actual money for the bills and some months I can not. Just like some days I can do a more effortful yoga practice and some days I can only do Child's pose or sit meditating after my son wakes up at 6 a.m. and then thankfully falls back asleep in my current bed, The Couch.

Heartlight & how I got to my first post-separation apartment

When I left my husband, I moved with my son to a six month sublet.  Initially, I was really torn about the lack of stability that might create, because of course, we would have to move again, soon. And, I wanted to hold onto my apartment; I had lived there for four years, I had a garden, my son's babysitters were nearby and so were my friends and the places I worked. I naively kept hoping my husband would do the right thing and leave, after all, he had admitted he was loving another woman. He should be the one to go, right?

But, despite my attachment to the apartment, my quieter self, the one tuned into intuition, the ebb and flow of life, and the truth that nothing is permanent, slowly started preparing to leave. It was so subtle, that at first I didn't even notice. I was giving away things, but every item seemingly had a reason for being let go of; perennials in my garden simply needed more space, my son had outgrown his clothing. I decluttered my desk and files of papers. I did a seasonal purge of my clothing and also the medicine cabinet. This preparation was slow and carried me through months. It wasn't until the sunny day that I separated my books from my husband's that I started to catch on that a real shift had taken place inside me. 

After the book separation, I got nervous and stopped for awhile. But I was still going ahead with other actions. I had taken a temporary full time job (I had been the stay at home parent), I was talking to friends, family and a therapist about my marriage and, I had also, finally, obtained a free lawyer (more to come on all those things in another post). Then, after some time, my fearful, and therefore, happy to live in denial and married to a jerk, in a sexless marriage mind calmed down & let my strong, intuitive self lead the way. I consciously started putting things in boxes. My husband had been sleeping in my stepson's bedroom for over a year and never came into what was now "my" room, so I started there. Before I knew it, I was taking my separated books off the living room shelves and taping the packed boxes shut. Once my mind integrated with my wise inner self, I became boldly aligned, and was willing to pick up my heels and let the winds of change take me.

A friend had been offering me a six month sublet in her house for months, but for a. long. time. there was no way I was going. Then one evening my husband told me he loved me and I immediately knew something was up. He had already told me, quite insensitively, that I should to get over him, and we had already talked many, many times over the course of a couple years of divorcing, so I was not sure what was happening. But I did know those three words were being used to manipulate me. Well guess what, not my pal anymore of a husband? I, my thinking self, and I, my knowing self, was packed(!) and therefore, ready to go(!) and my friend still had the sublet(!) and my attachment to my apartment was gone! My heart light was ready to be as bright as it could be. 

Gradually, it became known that my husband had been served the divorce papers that particular, I love you day and he certainly was trying to manipulate me. A few months ago, the six month sublet ended and I signed a lease on an apartment with wonderful, natural light, within my rental price, nearer to my son's daycare, with friends and the zoo, the park and the Brooklyn Botanic Garden all within walking distance.  The heart light in the picture above is in my kitchen and is 5' x 5'. No, I don't think I have ever purposely listened to Neil Diamond, but I did just look up the lyrics online and now I might just have to download his song.

hello to blogger sphere from singlemomista

Hello there all readers,

I will take this first post to introduce myself:
I am new to single mom-hood; my divorce is still in process, and I have been living alone with my beautiful, 3 year old boy since July 2010, which is, OMG, 10 months now.  (Note to self, time is moving along, notice that you are not so distraught anymore, Wow)!  I decided to start this blog "Single Momista" to help myself continue to find my footing within this new identity of 1. artist turned mom and then 2. single mom and also to help anyone who is a few steps behind me in the process.  Hopefully, by sharing my lessons learned on my Personal Learning Curve (and there have already been many!) I will be offering insight, humor and camaraderie to other soon to be, recent or seasoned Single Momistas, artists or not.

I chose "Momista" because that name represents how I feel on the inside, despite the exhaustion, or sadness or shut down look that could be my default single mom face.  I am working through the confusion of how I ended up here, married and then divorced within 3 years, cheated on, lied to, duped, manipulated (let's focus for a moment on the "man" in manipulated, sisters), left for broke and now the full time earner for my household.  But to me, a "Momista" is a proactive, no nonsense, living her life her way, with kid in tow, kind of lady & that is how my inner fire burns on the good days.  I am not even talking sexy, libidinal inner fire, yet. I am still new to the game here, so stability takes first priority.

I am definitely In a Big Transition, but I commit to my new life at a pace that I can handle and absorb; life with a toddler can be difficult enough without adding more pressure.  It is excruciating, tedious and frightening to be In a Big Transition for what feels to me like an eternity now, but I think actually "being" in the transition is very important.  There was a time when I was so focused on dodging lies, surviving, and finding a free attorney that I could not be in anything but anger and fear.  I hope that over the course of time, my blogging entries will reflect the clarity, stability, creativity and happiness I create for myself and give evidence of me thriving in my life. Writing this blog will encourage me to accept (reflecting on that word always brings me out of fantasy and into the present moment) that I am right in the middle of a Big Transition and that I am doing my best.

Thanks for reading!
Warmly,
Elyce
aka, Singlemomista