I'm dreaming and financial security

It has been difficult for me to get this next post off the ground with the heavy subject of Money but I am hoisting it forth. I thought I would also include my quest for a new bed since money interferes with my sleep. Or rather, worrying about money does. And my actual lack of money keeps me awake, too. Also, having a toddler is not as restful as I would like, either. I just want to sleep!!! (Adult whining) And to have some financial security! And to earn enough money to live in a two bedroom apartment! A woman in my yoga class this week had the words "Im Dreaming" on the back of her sweatshirt and I thought, Yes! That is my aspiration! Dreaming while sleeping and also dreaming of how my life can be bigger, more prosperous and more abundant as I go forth as a Single Momista. (I ironed the words onto a towel).

Last week's blog was much easier to write because it was retrospective and showed me moving forward. But money issues are current for me and feel like quick sand. I want to be inspirational and say Yes you Can get divorced if you are poor, I am the proof and this blog will hopefully show how I accomplish that and thrive. But I am also saying that it is hard. When I was still living with my husband, I read The Complete Single Mother by Andrea Engber. One statement she made that reoccurringly echoes back to me is that after a divorce, the financial state of most single mothers declines. At the time, I did not know what she meant exactly, similar to how a first time pregnant woman is clueless as to how her life will change when her baby is born. But I would never exchange my child for my old life of being single and well rested, and I will never return to my husband! I'm willing to put up with my Personal Learning Curve of how to be a Single Momista just as I'm willing to wipe my son's bottom. I know he will take over that action one day and I hope I will not be stuck here in Transition forever.

I thought leaving behind the bed I shared with my husband would give me a fresh start. After a couple months on an air mattress, I bought a bed from a person I knew, who was moving. A brand new bed is out of the question when I am taking money from the bills to to pay the rent and vice versa. Unbeknownst to me at the time, this person sold me a bed with bedbugs. So now I'm not only out a bed, but also out the money I paid for the bed, and out the money it takes to deal with bedbugs- we are talking Lots of Laundry, and sleepless, paranoid nights! Maybe this is something The Complete Single Mother was talking about. In retrospect, I would take the marriage bed with me and wait for the fresh start when I could afford to buy a new bed from a store.

My Personal Learning Curve tends to feel extremely difficult while I am being pushed along it. Old stuff has to be cleared out for the new to have any room to grow. My divorce is part of that, and I am willing to sleep on the couch (taking a break from the air mattress) and to buy food with food stamps to get out of that abusive, toxic relationship (more on both of those later). Confronting the woman who sold me the bed was difficult, but I did it. Then the Big Tax Return I was expecting this year took a detour. That was very difficult to stomach and would go under Money = Quick Sand in my files. But by the week's end I was able see the positive effort on my end of standing up for myself and being willing to do the work to appeal both the federal and the state agency's decisions. My Single Momista way of creating room for the new behavior means taking care of things the best I can, when they arise, rather than sweeping them under the rug forever.

In yoga we often hear: It's the journey on your yoga mat that is the essence of your yoga, not the end result of a perfected pose. Meaning that the effort you put in by repeatedly showing up is what makes your practice flourish. Appealing the government's decision regarding my taxes is me showing up and putting in the effort. Writing my monthly bills out on my calendar is me doing the same. Some months I can show up with actual money for the bills and some months I can not. Just like some days I can do a more effortful yoga practice and some days I can only do Child's pose or sit meditating after my son wakes up at 6 a.m. and then thankfully falls back asleep in my current bed, The Couch.