Heartlight & how I got to my first post-separation apartment

When I left my husband, I moved with my son to a six month sublet.  Initially, I was really torn about the lack of stability that might create, because of course, we would have to move again, soon. And, I wanted to hold onto my apartment; I had lived there for four years, I had a garden, my son's babysitters were nearby and so were my friends and the places I worked. I naively kept hoping my husband would do the right thing and leave, after all, he had admitted he was loving another woman. He should be the one to go, right?

But, despite my attachment to the apartment, my quieter self, the one tuned into intuition, the ebb and flow of life, and the truth that nothing is permanent, slowly started preparing to leave. It was so subtle, that at first I didn't even notice. I was giving away things, but every item seemingly had a reason for being let go of; perennials in my garden simply needed more space, my son had outgrown his clothing. I decluttered my desk and files of papers. I did a seasonal purge of my clothing and also the medicine cabinet. This preparation was slow and carried me through months. It wasn't until the sunny day that I separated my books from my husband's that I started to catch on that a real shift had taken place inside me. 

After the book separation, I got nervous and stopped for awhile. But I was still going ahead with other actions. I had taken a temporary full time job (I had been the stay at home parent), I was talking to friends, family and a therapist about my marriage and, I had also, finally, obtained a free lawyer (more to come on all those things in another post). Then, after some time, my fearful, and therefore, happy to live in denial and married to a jerk, in a sexless marriage mind calmed down & let my strong, intuitive self lead the way. I consciously started putting things in boxes. My husband had been sleeping in my stepson's bedroom for over a year and never came into what was now "my" room, so I started there. Before I knew it, I was taking my separated books off the living room shelves and taping the packed boxes shut. Once my mind integrated with my wise inner self, I became boldly aligned, and was willing to pick up my heels and let the winds of change take me.

A friend had been offering me a six month sublet in her house for months, but for a. long. time. there was no way I was going. Then one evening my husband told me he loved me and I immediately knew something was up. He had already told me, quite insensitively, that I should to get over him, and we had already talked many, many times over the course of a couple years of divorcing, so I was not sure what was happening. But I did know those three words were being used to manipulate me. Well guess what, not my pal anymore of a husband? I, my thinking self, and I, my knowing self, was packed(!) and therefore, ready to go(!) and my friend still had the sublet(!) and my attachment to my apartment was gone! My heart light was ready to be as bright as it could be. 

Gradually, it became known that my husband had been served the divorce papers that particular, I love you day and he certainly was trying to manipulate me. A few months ago, the six month sublet ended and I signed a lease on an apartment with wonderful, natural light, within my rental price, nearer to my son's daycare, with friends and the zoo, the park and the Brooklyn Botanic Garden all within walking distance.  The heart light in the picture above is in my kitchen and is 5' x 5'. No, I don't think I have ever purposely listened to Neil Diamond, but I did just look up the lyrics online and now I might just have to download his song.