Hello
Last week I implemented a self care plan for myself as a way to calm my stressed self & inadvertently, my stressed son. How did it go, you ask? Well, I found having the Self Care/ Love calendar (see previous post) on the fridge helped as a reminder. Finding something to do for myself each day started with a bang & became more daunting as the week went on. I had to enlist the help of daily reminders to myself that "self care can be subtle, quiet, and might even be normal everyday things, like making a nice dinner". I don't have to do something amazing! every! day! like going on a vacation to Hawaii. For those of you who might feel as depleted as I do and wonder what the heck self care can look like outside of your usual vices, here is the list of nurturing actions I did this past week:
Sat: gardening & morning at the beach, Sun: saw a friend's theater show, Mon: meditated, Tues: took a bath, Wed: attended a parenting workshop, Thurs: made a good dinner, Fri: bought myself a bed with my tax refund, Sat: had a friend over for the afternoon, Sun: shaved my legs, Mon: yoga, Tues: yoga.
And, yes, as I was hoping, through the act of naming and listing how I am taking care of myself, I have been able able to approach my son's tantrums differently. Not saintly, but from a different perspective. A perspective that has been there in the past and was recently trampled on by the current chaos called my life. And amazingly, my son has also been a better communicator with words this week too! Usually after the tantrum, but that is to be expected. We had some real progress in the short time of seven days!
By creating moments of calm for myself, my intuition was able to reign from it's proper place again and I realized I need to look at the visitation schedule my ex and I currently have in place. From the information I have subsequently been gleaning from professionals, I have learned that more time at one house is better than switching frequently to see both parents equally. When I was depressed, distraught and brand new to the full on single parenting schedule, even though I abhorred not having my son with me, I did need him to be with his father so I could focus on dealing with my own stuff. Such as my raw emotions, earning an income and getting a good night's sleep. But now that some time has passed, I have to focus on what is best for my son. Something is wrong and he is sending me that message the only way he knows how to right now- loud and clear with daily, full on screaming and hitting tantrums.
When I was first dating my ex I developed insomnia that lasted pretty much until we separated. I was always stressed with him as a result of ping-ponging between different dramas. One example of a drama was his shop lifting (with our baby)! It is still easy for me to get bullied or manipulated by him and to then second guess my intuition, only to find I have been duped in the end. He is not responding well to the new visitation plan I am now offering; and then he does, and then he doesn't and then he does. But time, and the practice of keeping our communication to email, will help me set the boundaries to help me stand my ground with him. After all, the determination to soothe my son, to help him feel secure, and to show him I am listening, is supporting my back.
I hope that makes sense. That's all I've got this week; I'm exhausted (Wed: go to bed early)!
Your truly,
XO
Single Momista
Last week I implemented a self care plan for myself as a way to calm my stressed self & inadvertently, my stressed son. How did it go, you ask? Well, I found having the Self Care/ Love calendar (see previous post) on the fridge helped as a reminder. Finding something to do for myself each day started with a bang & became more daunting as the week went on. I had to enlist the help of daily reminders to myself that "self care can be subtle, quiet, and might even be normal everyday things, like making a nice dinner". I don't have to do something amazing! every! day! like going on a vacation to Hawaii. For those of you who might feel as depleted as I do and wonder what the heck self care can look like outside of your usual vices, here is the list of nurturing actions I did this past week:
Sat: gardening & morning at the beach, Sun: saw a friend's theater show, Mon: meditated, Tues: took a bath, Wed: attended a parenting workshop, Thurs: made a good dinner, Fri: bought myself a bed with my tax refund, Sat: had a friend over for the afternoon, Sun: shaved my legs, Mon: yoga, Tues: yoga.
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| A Brooklyn beach...grey, cold, but still the beach! |
And, yes, as I was hoping, through the act of naming and listing how I am taking care of myself, I have been able able to approach my son's tantrums differently. Not saintly, but from a different perspective. A perspective that has been there in the past and was recently trampled on by the current chaos called my life. And amazingly, my son has also been a better communicator with words this week too! Usually after the tantrum, but that is to be expected. We had some real progress in the short time of seven days!
By creating moments of calm for myself, my intuition was able to reign from it's proper place again and I realized I need to look at the visitation schedule my ex and I currently have in place. From the information I have subsequently been gleaning from professionals, I have learned that more time at one house is better than switching frequently to see both parents equally. When I was depressed, distraught and brand new to the full on single parenting schedule, even though I abhorred not having my son with me, I did need him to be with his father so I could focus on dealing with my own stuff. Such as my raw emotions, earning an income and getting a good night's sleep. But now that some time has passed, I have to focus on what is best for my son. Something is wrong and he is sending me that message the only way he knows how to right now- loud and clear with daily, full on screaming and hitting tantrums.
When I was first dating my ex I developed insomnia that lasted pretty much until we separated. I was always stressed with him as a result of ping-ponging between different dramas. One example of a drama was his shop lifting (with our baby)! It is still easy for me to get bullied or manipulated by him and to then second guess my intuition, only to find I have been duped in the end. He is not responding well to the new visitation plan I am now offering; and then he does, and then he doesn't and then he does. But time, and the practice of keeping our communication to email, will help me set the boundaries to help me stand my ground with him. After all, the determination to soothe my son, to help him feel secure, and to show him I am listening, is supporting my back.
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| Or my inner tree! |
Your truly,
XO
Single Momista
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