Hello everyone,
Let's talk about my second date! So this date had me holding hands with another person, a person who was not my child! And it was great! But, what I noticed about myself on my second date was how closed off I am. So closed off that it's even sad for me to notice myself so closed off. And how afraid I am. Completely afraid. Afraid that this nice person who is holding my hand is after something from me. I've always had a problem with trust, but it was shocking to see how thick the walls of my fortress are. And how self contained I have become. I am so used to being in only "my" space, not crossing over into anyone else's space except my child's. So my second date also revealed how alone I have been feeling. I have really great friends and I am reaching out to and accepting my family more and more, but in the day to day affairs of parenting and living, I have been alone for a long time, even while I was married.
On my Single Momista journey I have started taking anti-depressants. Wow, that has been revealing too! On the anti-depressants, I notice how depressed I actually am!! So I am feeling afraid, alone and depressed. OK, now that I realize these things I can deal with them.
Depressed- got on anti depressants
Afraid- held hands anyway because I do deserve kindness
Alone- here I am writing my blog this week. And I'm considering going to a fiction reading in the community garden tonight.
The feelings all go "hand in hand". Alone, afraid, depressed, or depressed, alone, afraid, which ever comes first, they all intertwine to form a cocoon around me. So I'm noticing it now. I guess that is some healing right there.
I want to say Thank you- some of you have commented on this blog, some have written me elsewhere. Thanks for your love, I feel it. Knowing who is reading my blog is a bit embarrassing; I do feel exposed, but I am trying to keep the big picture in mind- that this blog is about my acceptance that my life is not figured out according to some "perfect" plan, that I am in a Big Transition. And am documenting that transition as a way of accepting that it's o.k. to be here in my messy life. I even realize that life is simply a series of Transitions that accumulate to be a life. Stagnation could be a transition if one then moves out of it into something else. This blog could continue for a long time...
This morning I did something I have not done in a long time- a strong yoga practice at 6 am (my son was at his Dad's). The sequence involved handstand (in the middle of the room) and forearm stand. For me, these poses take a lot of courage and inner strength. Literally, abdominal strength and spiritually, practicing them demands me to be present and willing. Willing to turn everything upside down. Willing to fall and try again. And even willing to peek inwards, into the fear, to check out the growth, challenge and mystery in there. I thought the inversions were a good antidote for my life right now and realized in hindsight that today was the perfect day for them- the day of the Summer Solstice- when the earth turns away from shortened, darken days to longer, sunny ones.
Keep on truckin, XO Single Momista!
Let's talk about my second date! So this date had me holding hands with another person, a person who was not my child! And it was great! But, what I noticed about myself on my second date was how closed off I am. So closed off that it's even sad for me to notice myself so closed off. And how afraid I am. Completely afraid. Afraid that this nice person who is holding my hand is after something from me. I've always had a problem with trust, but it was shocking to see how thick the walls of my fortress are. And how self contained I have become. I am so used to being in only "my" space, not crossing over into anyone else's space except my child's. So my second date also revealed how alone I have been feeling. I have really great friends and I am reaching out to and accepting my family more and more, but in the day to day affairs of parenting and living, I have been alone for a long time, even while I was married.
On my Single Momista journey I have started taking anti-depressants. Wow, that has been revealing too! On the anti-depressants, I notice how depressed I actually am!! So I am feeling afraid, alone and depressed. OK, now that I realize these things I can deal with them.
Depressed- got on anti depressants
Afraid- held hands anyway because I do deserve kindness
Alone- here I am writing my blog this week. And I'm considering going to a fiction reading in the community garden tonight.
The feelings all go "hand in hand". Alone, afraid, depressed, or depressed, alone, afraid, which ever comes first, they all intertwine to form a cocoon around me. So I'm noticing it now. I guess that is some healing right there.
I want to say Thank you- some of you have commented on this blog, some have written me elsewhere. Thanks for your love, I feel it. Knowing who is reading my blog is a bit embarrassing; I do feel exposed, but I am trying to keep the big picture in mind- that this blog is about my acceptance that my life is not figured out according to some "perfect" plan, that I am in a Big Transition. And am documenting that transition as a way of accepting that it's o.k. to be here in my messy life. I even realize that life is simply a series of Transitions that accumulate to be a life. Stagnation could be a transition if one then moves out of it into something else. This blog could continue for a long time...
This morning I did something I have not done in a long time- a strong yoga practice at 6 am (my son was at his Dad's). The sequence involved handstand (in the middle of the room) and forearm stand. For me, these poses take a lot of courage and inner strength. Literally, abdominal strength and spiritually, practicing them demands me to be present and willing. Willing to turn everything upside down. Willing to fall and try again. And even willing to peek inwards, into the fear, to check out the growth, challenge and mystery in there. I thought the inversions were a good antidote for my life right now and realized in hindsight that today was the perfect day for them- the day of the Summer Solstice- when the earth turns away from shortened, darken days to longer, sunny ones.
Keep on truckin, XO Single Momista!
 |
No comments:
Post a Comment
Hello, Thank you for reading my blog. Please post a comment if you care to join the discussion. XO Single Momista