One Year Anniversary of Leaving My Husband

Hello,
First I want to say that I got some phone calls & emails from friends informing me that they could not leave comments on my blog. Very Sorry about that. I looked into it and I changed some settings, so hopefully the problemo is solved. I was reading some other blogs recently, one about the shoes a pregnant mom was wearing that day, one about the outfits in someone's closet, and one about pillow cases, and all those blogs had several comments. ... So hopefully if you want to leave one here you now are able to. Please let me know if you still have trouble doing so, I would love to hear from you.


Anyway, for all you photo and interior design lovers, I'm adding a photo from my son's room because I went to IKEA *alone* today and bought a couple things to continue my project of distinguishing his room from my room within our shared bedroom. The blue frame & the hanging stuffed animal netting are my awesome buys from today. Actually, looking closely, I see there is a lot in this picture from IKEA- the bedding, the heart pillow & the rug too. I do love that place.

Cute & cozy! Now insert me strangling myself with the heart pillow
as my son insists I lay on the floor by his bed until he is asleep every night

The blue framed "poster" is gift wrapping paper by ecojot.com

Going alone to IKEA is a true step towards independence with a Single Momista attitude. That is one place you will not find people leisurely shopping alone. It's all couples, families or roommates nesting up their cozy digs. But I did it today in two hours! I set the alarm on my phone to ring after one hour. When it rang I read my message- Leave IKEA Now - and I got back on track and left an hour later. I will divulge another secret tip- stock up on some wine and spend several months surfing their website, revising your shopping list(s), doing comparison shopping, and measuring items and spaces in your own home many, many times before even considering to step foot into the store.


Ok, now that the idle chit chat has been chatted, I shall segue into something Larger. 


The One Year Anniversary Of Me Leaving My Husband. 


Yes, that is right. My intense Single Momista life is having an anniversary. WOW.


It has been a weird and sad week and that in itself completely took me by surprise. My chest has been Hurting, really Hurting, Aching like a heartache. Wow, I have come so far this year and it surprises me that I am in Pain this week. It is very disconcerting. My head says the future is now and my heart says Ow, the past. In all my actions of moving ahead towards a better life, I think I often push aside the actual memories of the terrible, gut wrenching experience of divorce. Of the betrayals, the lies, the confusion, the blame taking and the horrible experience of living together, and ignoring each other or openly deploring one another, while trying to figure out my next move. And then court. And now seeing my son go off without me for the weekend. The memories are painful.


I can consciously do restorative yoga, knowing that I need to take things down several notches, or I can go on a date & recognize I am not ready to trust someone in that way just yet, so I do have awareness. But I sometimes conjure up some magical thinking to persuade myself that there is nothing to even grieve about or even to feel pain about. I want it all to be so far, far behind me. But the body knows what the mind forgets, hence the Pain. This week was like an anniversary of a death. I was able to function. I still lived my life. I was just a little off. I forgot my keys in my front door. I had a hard time articulating in front of my class. I wasn't sad per se, but a part of me was very, terribly sad.


My mind went into that crazy place of what have I accomplished this year? I am not a CEO of anything other than my kitchen sink! But it has been a year of living on my own with my son. This is amazing to me. A year involving a six month sublet, and now I am six months into a one year lease. A year of paying the rent and bills. Providing food and clothing for us. Having my son in daycare this past year and now preparing to move him to a Montessori program in the Fall. A year of Feeling Emotions, from the numbness into the pain and then the relief. And now even a few moments of joy and freedom and a sense that it will really be ok, that I could really have a good life. A couple dates recently. New friendships forming with single moms. A blog. Stirrings of creativity. Appreciation and acceptance of my career. A finalized divorce. And an awareness that I need some new clothes this year! I can't be wearing these old things from the last ten years-- I'm a Single Momista! (Maybe I will be posting outfits from my closet in the future).


XO
Single Momista