Hello friends and readers,
OK, here is the inside scoop on my life and emotions. My son is going to his Dad's girlfriend's house this month for a few days. (She lives in another state). And what that really means is that my son is going to have his Dad's girlfriend (always known to me as his affair) in his life. AHHHHH. And I gave the trip the OK. Because really, what else could I do? The lady is here to stay and the reality is that the trip probably would have happened whether I approved it or not. For the first time my ex asked my permission about something that involved his girlfriend and our son. And I want more of that behavior over the next eighteen years. So the best approach is to act dignified and get on board, even if it feels to me like I am only pretending to take the high road. My advice to myself: act the way you wish to appear.
My therapist suggested that my ex and I sit down together and talk with our son about the trip so that he knows I give the go ahead. According to her, this will show my son that he doesn't have to take care of my feelings or choose sides out of loyalty to me when he is there. He might do this on his own, but my job is to show him that he can have his own feelings about the trip and about Daddy's "friend" and her two kids. And, she said, if he does have a tantrum while there (rather than saving it up for me when he returns) his Dad will have to deal with it and have a chance to see how his choices affect our son. All this was said to me in the matter of fact manner of a professional. The child in me was internally screaming No way, Mother F-er to my ex while the adult me sat on my therapist's couch and absorbed the odd reality that I really did not have any right to veto the trip. 1. There are no real safety issues, only the imaginary ones in my mind. Like what if the bus to Boston falls on it's side and my son dies. And 2. If I ask them to postpone the trip until next summer, so my son can get to know the "friend" on his home turf more, I am only trying to control my ex's relationship. And that is not mine to control. Which leads to 3. My son will have his feelings about his Dad and about our divorce and I can not protect him from those feelings. I can only give him the room to express them.
Forgive me if my newly expanded brain has popped out of your computer and smacked into your face! It is being forced to absorb and process at an alarming rate!
My son has a life with his Dad that does not include me. It is a pretty cool life to a three year old. He eats candy over there, he chews gum, he has a LOT of toys at his Dad's house, his Dad has an I-pad. How do I fit in? I really don't and usually I am content with this. But some old feelings are getting stirred up with this impending trip to his girlfriend's. I did have dreams with my ex, we were building a life together. He also pushed me really hard to have a baby and to get married and when I delivered (ha ha, pun) he left. And now he wants to take my baby to "his affair's" house. Argh, I feel a victim rant coming on-- what was I, just a baby mama?
It is painful when I go down the road of compare and despair. That is really a ridiculously silly, dead end, road to travel, especially when I know that by having left this man, I said YES to a more stable, loving life for both myself and my son. But clearly the internal psyche is not so black and white. There is the grey zone. One of the many reasons for our divorce, my ex's relationship with another woman, is becoming a part of my son's life. It is very challenging for me to have my ex in my life and to stay healthy by constantly redefining my boundaries with him. I can not cut and run and simply play the victim role. To really move on and be strong, not just intellectually but also emotionally, I need to focus on my life in the present. And over time the sad memories of the past will lose their importance. So, I have made some plans to do some fun things for myself while they are away, like playing around in my friend's ceramic studio and going to another friend's house at the beach. I also need to get my hair cut.
Take care,
XO
Single Momista
OK, here is the inside scoop on my life and emotions. My son is going to his Dad's girlfriend's house this month for a few days. (She lives in another state). And what that really means is that my son is going to have his Dad's girlfriend (always known to me as his affair) in his life. AHHHHH. And I gave the trip the OK. Because really, what else could I do? The lady is here to stay and the reality is that the trip probably would have happened whether I approved it or not. For the first time my ex asked my permission about something that involved his girlfriend and our son. And I want more of that behavior over the next eighteen years. So the best approach is to act dignified and get on board, even if it feels to me like I am only pretending to take the high road. My advice to myself: act the way you wish to appear.
My therapist suggested that my ex and I sit down together and talk with our son about the trip so that he knows I give the go ahead. According to her, this will show my son that he doesn't have to take care of my feelings or choose sides out of loyalty to me when he is there. He might do this on his own, but my job is to show him that he can have his own feelings about the trip and about Daddy's "friend" and her two kids. And, she said, if he does have a tantrum while there (rather than saving it up for me when he returns) his Dad will have to deal with it and have a chance to see how his choices affect our son. All this was said to me in the matter of fact manner of a professional. The child in me was internally screaming No way, Mother F-er to my ex while the adult me sat on my therapist's couch and absorbed the odd reality that I really did not have any right to veto the trip. 1. There are no real safety issues, only the imaginary ones in my mind. Like what if the bus to Boston falls on it's side and my son dies. And 2. If I ask them to postpone the trip until next summer, so my son can get to know the "friend" on his home turf more, I am only trying to control my ex's relationship. And that is not mine to control. Which leads to 3. My son will have his feelings about his Dad and about our divorce and I can not protect him from those feelings. I can only give him the room to express them.
Forgive me if my newly expanded brain has popped out of your computer and smacked into your face! It is being forced to absorb and process at an alarming rate!
My son has a life with his Dad that does not include me. It is a pretty cool life to a three year old. He eats candy over there, he chews gum, he has a LOT of toys at his Dad's house, his Dad has an I-pad. How do I fit in? I really don't and usually I am content with this. But some old feelings are getting stirred up with this impending trip to his girlfriend's. I did have dreams with my ex, we were building a life together. He also pushed me really hard to have a baby and to get married and when I delivered (ha ha, pun) he left. And now he wants to take my baby to "his affair's" house. Argh, I feel a victim rant coming on-- what was I, just a baby mama?
It is painful when I go down the road of compare and despair. That is really a ridiculously silly, dead end, road to travel, especially when I know that by having left this man, I said YES to a more stable, loving life for both myself and my son. But clearly the internal psyche is not so black and white. There is the grey zone. One of the many reasons for our divorce, my ex's relationship with another woman, is becoming a part of my son's life. It is very challenging for me to have my ex in my life and to stay healthy by constantly redefining my boundaries with him. I can not cut and run and simply play the victim role. To really move on and be strong, not just intellectually but also emotionally, I need to focus on my life in the present. And over time the sad memories of the past will lose their importance. So, I have made some plans to do some fun things for myself while they are away, like playing around in my friend's ceramic studio and going to another friend's house at the beach. I also need to get my hair cut.
Thank you for listening while I process here. I sure wish I had something way more fattening than strawberries in the house right now! Oh, here is a fruit leather... Not Good Enough---I've got to seriously rethink the food shopping!!
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| An old drawing of mine. It's an internally directed effort. |
XO
Single Momista
I appreciate what you say here and applaud your strength and honesty. It's a reminder of a good path to pull us through our own stuff.
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