Do more of what makes you happy

Hello there,

Last week I wrote about my friend's psychic telling me to do more of what makes my heart sing, to do what makes me happy.  What sage advice!  Maybe you find that to be an inspiring reminder too.  I might write about this topic for awhile, because it does seem like the best thing I can do for myself these days...

This is a loaded week for me because it includes the day my mother died- Hallow's eve.  Really it's the very early part of Nov 1, but Halloween is the marker.  Growing up I had a stepmother, but she was not a kind, nurturing or attentive replacement.  To put it plainly, my childhood was void of affection. My brother and I had our basic shelter, food and clothing needs met, but no love from the mother figure of the house.  There was no baking with the warm, delicious smells filling the house. There was no cuddling.  I certainly did not confide my secrets to my stepmother; I didn't even go to her when I was hurt.

I find now, as a healthy Single Momista, that much of my parenting is the opposite of what I was raised in.  It involves cuddling, snuggling, playing, listening, guiding.  Basically, I parent my son (el Sonno) the way I needed and wanted to be parented during my own childhood.  It's not always easy to navigate healthy parenting from a lack of experience (reading tons of parenting books is helpful) and I invent much of my parenting up as I go along.  But the most amazing part, along with my great relationship I have with el Sonno is that I am nurtured by being the mother I lacked as a child.  And this certainly makes my heart sing.  

So to feel more of that happy heart, this morning I made muffins.  And wow, does my apartment smell good!  Later, when el Sonno returns from his dad's house, we will bake cupcakes in honor of my mother for Halloween.  Orange and black and spooky and delicious.  Sadness, joy, laughter and nurturing all mixed together in a warm kitchen.  We baked muffins and brownies last week and we both loved it, so we are doing it again with cupcakes!  Repeat the happiness.  Do more of what makes you happy.

XO
Single Momista

Soar like an Eagle

3rd Eye.  Photo credit goes to my son

Hello everyone,

How to begin... perhaps like this: With my hands over my face I cried to my friend, "I feel trapped!" The next day she took me uptown to her psychic.  Behind a curtain that separated us from the hair salon, the spirits communicated that I should be writing... And one and a half years later, here I am, back on Single Momista!  Life intervenes.  Right? Right.  Plus I felt a lot of pressure from the spirits.  

Because they also said I "should do what makes my heart sing."  

Now that right there was a lot to think about.  

Remember that I came to this session with the psychic because I told my friend that I felt trapped. So clearly, I wasn't investing very much into my personal happiness at the time.  In hindsight, leaving my marriage five years ago certainly put me on the path of doing what makes me happy, even though it was very tough decision at the time and not always breezy in the day to day.  I've lived these years as a Single Momista feeling like I'm doggie paddling to keep my nose above water and then recuperating my energy in my down time.  I wasn't aware I had put joy aside because I was doing what you do when you parent a 3, 4, 5, 6, and now 7-year old son.  My "fun" consisted of talking to my girlfriends, reading and falling asleep at 8 PM.  Yes, it's pretty much the same today.  Do not call after 8 PM and expect to talk to me.  My friend had a birthday party that started at 9; I didn't even consider that she meant at night.  My other friend said that my son will not have to sneak out of my house when he's older; all he has to do is ask if I want to snuggle at bedtime and BAM, I'm out like a light and he's free to do what he wants.  Yes, I do love sleeping (and I'm an early riser) but I'm trying to emphasize that the spirits had a point.  Right here under my desk I see grey clothed Surviving strong arming Thriving, who's in the sparkly dress. Feeling Responsible squints menacingly at Fun.  So being told that I should basically prioritize joy was a lot for me to absorb.  I know all this might sound strange, but, I mean, the spirits... they know things, right?  They've been here, they've been there.  They have perspective.  They see the big picture.  My mother is a spirit, she died when I was a 22-month old.  My grandmothers are spirits too.  

So, slowly I began.  I took the ceramics course I'd been wanting to take for several years.  I built a pollinator garden slash bird habitat at my son's school (a combination of public school PTA work and a singing heart activity).  I started a performance project with a collaborator.  I painted watercolors of my hands.  I became a certified Feng Shui consultant.  And recently, when I was wondering if I should just buckle down and get a job at the gas company (I love that utility belt) I went to my astrologer and she confirmed everything that the psychic said and told me much, much more.  Bottom line, I should soar like an eagle and write. 

So, that brings me here, to Single Momista.  My goal is to write and see where it leads.  I originally began the blog in 2011 to communicate with other parents who were in similar situations.  Several years on, I'm still a Single Momista and, apparently, I still have stuff to communicate.  If you related to anything I wrote here, please leave me a comment!  I'd love to hear from you. 

XO Single Momista

Hello, hello again...

Hello out there,

I am Single Momista and I am still trucking along with my son (now age five). Today I am just toying with the idea of writing my blog again.

Making muffins before preschool, soundtrack by Lou Reed

Summer clouds last July

Small mushroom, small hands

From Rockaway Beach after Hurricane Sandy

Single Momista: Divorced for One Year!

Single Momista: Divorced for One Year!: This week a milestone has been reached! I have officially been divorced for one year! Over the course of this year my son and I survived, w...

Divorced for One Year!

This week a milestone has been reached! I have officially been divorced for one year! Over the course of this year my son and I survived, we did not starve and we did not die! We had clean clothes and we socialized. My friends were encouraging and supportive and I also made some new friends. Pre-separation I was convinced that being a solo parent would be a terribly lonely stigma, but I saw that every time I felt stigmatized, it was my own Harsh Inner Critic that was berating my struggling self, not my friends or society. After going through four seasons as a solo mother I know that I can do it, I can be this person who looks after herself and a child. Yes, it sure is a challenge, but I think being a parent sometimes helps me to keep going through the difficult changes. My son is one reason I sought a divorce in the first place, I was determined to raise him in a happy, loving way in a happy, loving home.

Reflecting back over the year, I understand now that this year was about me allowing myself to become  more emotionally stable. I say allowing to become because my Harsh Inner Critic, as mentioned above, can be down right belligerent. H.I.C. is a relentlessly vicious, cut throat attack artist, that bounces back again and again to kill-the-weakling! Why just this week I was bushwhacking myself for not being further along than I am- why am I still connected to my ex husband? Why am I dependent on his court mandated child support (which he says he can not pay this month)? A friend reminded me: It has only been a year. Thank you. Yes. It has been only One Year of being a Single Momista. In a gentler times I recognize that there is a process to becoming a Single Momista, a day by day process; my Single Momista attitude certainly did not develop overnight! And it does not happen by sheer force of will or solely with magical thinking, either. It is a recipe that includes dreaming, action, time, kindness, recommitment, more time and patience. With a good dose of friends, family, exercise, healthy eating, fresh air and laughter. Add a splash of wine, and plenty of chocolate.

my boy & the soft touch of feathers

Can anyone relate to this "year one" of being divorced? Does anyone have insights about "year two"?

Warmly,

XO

Single Momista

Single Momista: Moving to greener pastures

Single Momista: Moving to greener pastures: Spring is here and all the earthy potential in Prospect Park wakens my dream of moving from the city. I want my boy to be able to run free...

Moving to greener pastures

Spring is here and all the earthy potential in Prospect Park wakens my dream of moving from the city. I want my boy to be able to run free and wild outside, and to have autonomy as he grows. I'm anticipating his city kid request to ride the subway alone here in Brooklyn and the answer is a solid NO. So, under the influence of the sweet smell of flowering trees, I return to a favorite past time of mine, the daydream that includes a garden and open space. With a body of water nearby. And a studio for myself. With a good cafe and a movie theater a walk away. And an awesome, teenaged babysitter who is always available and whom my son adores. 

Is the grass greener on the other side? Can anyone comment from experience about relocating as a single parent? I am mostly nervous about loneliness and isolation in a more rural environment...although honestly, I also experience being alone and isolated in the city. I never intended to stay in Brooklyn. And now that I am divorced, I am not tied to my ex's refusal to move anywhere. Living on a train line could easily keep the visitation active between my son and his dad. And my son is only four, so moving by Kindergarten seems like a possibility.

I also desire more autonomy from my ex. Constant contact with someone I purposefully divorced is my current challenge of co-parenting. He has been out of work the past five months and is doing more child care now, so I see him four times a week during pick up or drop off of my child. Before you yell out- why did you divorce this amazing guy who looks after his own kid, remember that I am an amazing Single Momista; I am a woman who looks after my own kid too! Yes, it is nice to have child care "help" from my son's father, but it comes with it's own price. While I do welcome the break from paying a babysitter or from having to physically run from work to get my son before his school closes, now I am also constantly stressed about whether or not I will receive child support each month. Next month is my one year anniversary of being divorced and it seems like I see my ex more than when we were married and trying to separate! Hm mmm, something has to be revised.

Back to greenery--here is a soup I made yesterday: Potato with Spring Greens and Herbs.

Mmm, fresh dill really makes this soup delicious!

Dream, dream, dream,
XO
Single Momista

Single Momista: The feelings that shared visitation brings up

Single Momista: The feelings that shared visitation brings up: Hello Reader, A few things on my mind this week: Getting my son a pet that he can hug and run around with. All the grey in my hair. H...

The feelings that shared visitation brings up

Hello Reader,

A few things on my mind this week:

Getting my son a pet that he can hug and run around with.
All the grey in my hair.
How I miss my son when he is at his dad's.

petting Papa the Cat

Starting at the top of my list- my son wants a cuddly pet friend. Just about everyday of the week we go to our local pet store to pet Papa The Cat, the giant mouser seen in the image above. And my son has named all the feral cats in our neighborhood and keeps his eyes out for them in case they are basking in the sun, just waiting for him to pass by. After a year of this, a couple of them have become friendly towards us and I do let him pet the much less mangy one of the bunch if we are not eating any snacks at the time and are near home so can wash his hands fairly quickly. I also let him pick up feathers in the park, although I am pretty sure they are pigeon feathers. I want my son to feel good about animals and nature so I pretend, for my sake, that the feathers have fallen from more exotic birds. (We have seen a hawk in our park). We have the zoo and the Botanic Garden a ten minute walk away, but we also have feral cat friends and pigeon feathers. The pet idea is most likely going to take a year or longer to come to fruition, but I am starting to consider some tail wagging options. I realize that when my son is at his father's house it will be me and the pet at my house. And of course I am the one currently taking care of Freddy, my son's fish. Hm mm, a decision to be weighed carefully.

I will skip the part about my grey hair. But if you want to leave a comment about your experience with grey hair and dating I would love to hear about it!

On to how I miss my son when he is at his father's house. My goodness, I sure do. This is the bittersweet part of my Single Momista life- the frequent and repeated pain of missing my son when he is staying over at his dad's house. Yes, it certainly is nice have some "me time" and to write this blog instead of dealing with the hassle around bath time. And I do relish the couple mornings a week I can just sit and stare into space, uninterrupted, with a cup of very hot tea. My other mornings involve lukewarm tea and seemingly benign but quickly revealed to be trick questions such as Mommy who do you think I am from the movie? What movie? You know what movie (accompanied by stomping or whining or both). Which provokes my early morning pleas to a Higher Power. But when my son is at his dad's and I am out walking, appearing to be an ordinary, solitary person, I have a secret- I am also a sad person. I am missing my preschool son. I know for my small family's sanity it is important that I take time for myself. And I know it is important that my son and his dad have a relationship. The visitation is written into my divorce papers for both these reasons. So far it seems to be good for everyone in the long run. But the short run is not all fun for Single Momista. Perhaps this explains some of my willingness to even consider the crazy idea of adding a pet to my responsibilities.

the High Line, NYC

bonsai at botanic garden

                                     

Until next time,

XO

Single Momista

Single Momista: Writing, being funny and new shoes

Single Momista: Writing, being funny and new shoes: Hello Readers, I'm back in the game and committed to writing a weekly post. I have my doubts about continuing, but for now I am just doin...

Writing, being funny and new shoes

Hello Readers,

I'm back in the game and committed to writing a weekly post. I have my doubts about continuing, but for now I am just doing it anyway- Hey, wait! That reminds me of when I was married! Cue drums: Bom-Bom-Boom! Oh yes, I should let you know that a friend of mine suggested that I side gig as a stand up comedian as a way to evolve out of my old-life/pre-child performance artist identity, so I might be testing out some material here. My only captive audience I have right now also happen to be my yoga students, and they are (for good reason) focused on their mind/body connections and not my jokes.

Anyway, I read a blog post that advised divorced authors against writing negative stuff about their ex spouses, mainly to protect their children from reading something hurtful about their parent. That threw me off writing for some weeks because I tend to have reverence for authoritarian tones. And also because the very nature of my blog is life post divorce, a topic that sprouts from negative connotations (even if the end result is positive). Although I take care not to write anything specifically incriminating  about my ex hubs, the recipe of my current life is a direct result of a few destructive and hurtful years. So naturally my line of thinking led me to consider that writing anything at all about divorce is potentially implying something negative about my ex. Now I do know first hand that drinking a glass of wine in an overheated, dry-aired apartment in front of the world-wide-web is a one way ticket to some wasted time. Add into the mix a child asleep in bed, and nowhere for a Single Momista to go but into the contours of her own mind and we have set the scene for me talking myself out of writing my blog. Life for a single mother with no other adult in the house to talk with can can be terribly isolating...I really want to make an effort to socialize more, which by the way, is my overall intention for 2012: more joy!

Plus I have already crossed the line of protection as my sixteen year old stepson found and read my blog. And at the time I decided that it was an O.K. thing to have happened as it got him talking about his father and asking questions about his own life. Communication is an overall good thing in my book. I know that if my four year old son reads this blog tomorrow and finds out that I most definitely had a plan to get my own bedroom, and to have him sleep alone in his own bed, and that I have a dream to one day have a boyfriend, he will surely be angry at me, but that I will talk about it with him, as I already do (regarding the sleeping in his own bed). And if he reads this Single Momista blog in the future, he is most likely already angry at me or embarrassed by me for some reason or another, but again, I hope that we will have a relationship that involves communication. So for now I am just going to keep on writing the blog; I am curious to see how my life plays out. Plus Mamas need some self expression and healthy outlets too! Chocolate ice cream, red wine and Grey's Anatomy on Netflicks can only get one so far!

In my last post I wrote about starting to create space for myself in my life. One way I did this was to give up my living room and have a cozy bedroom separate from my son. And I now also have a workspace with a big table and a comfortable chair. I have thoughts of making silkscreens at this table... and I am sitting here right now writing this blog! Carrying on in this self care tradition I bought myself some new shoes this week. Anyone who knows me will tell you with obvious disdain that I have worn the same sneakers every day for two years straight! You can even see my old trusty sneaks in the image at the top of this page! And so buying these shoes is a really big deal for me! I want my external self to start reflecting all the internal healing and growing I have been doing! 

Isabel Toledo for Payless!

These feel as amazing as the ones above look!

And my New Sneaks for the playground

Until next time,
Keep Calm and Carry On!
XO
Single Momista

Welcome back (to myself)!

Hello Readers,

The last I was writing it was around the Christmas holidays and now it's almost the end of February. Needless to say, many events have happened: the first Christmas that I had my son for only half of the day (confusing), my New Year's Day party in my small apartment (fun), my son's fourth Birthday dinner with his very modern family that included myself, his father (my ex), his grandfather (my dad), his half brother (shared dad) and his half brother's half sister (adopted). Valentine's Day came and went with a very beautiful bouquet I put together for myself (see below). Also my brother-in-law committed suicide (this I can not begin to speak about).

I tend towards thinking that my life is boring, only involving walking to and from work, cooking, eating, and putting my son to bed, but reading over my list I see before me the proof that life is epic. So many emotional events packed into a couple of months. And my list does not even include the things that have happened to and for my family and friends. Repeat, life is epic.

A new chapter in the making of Single Momista is that I have my own room! It feels very Virginia Woolf in that I have my own space again after sharing a bedroom with my son for a year (see post from last August). Creating my own bedroom has involved giving up my living room, working with a Feng Shui expert, making a mess of things, tearing out images of furniture I can not afford from magazines and watching too much "Grey's Anatomy" when I am overwhelmed with clearing out the clutter, excess and old stuff. But like my post divorce, Single Momista psyche, my home can also be an interesting, messy, and surprising work in progress. What is important is that I am making an effort to create space for myself in it, as this heralds a crucial shift towards me wanting to own my life again. Go girl!

Keep it Real for yourself,
XO
Single Momista

Single Momista: S.E.X. and the Single Momista

Single Momista: S.E.X. and the Single Momista: Hello Everyone, Lately it's been difficult to write this blog--There has been so much going on with me and my ex and my expectations and d...

Dating and the Single Momista

Hello Everyone,

Lately it's been difficult to write this blog--There has been so much going on with me and my ex and my expectations and disappointments that I haven't even known where to begin or how to articulate it all.  And then my obsession with online shopping for Christmas presents has been all consuming! I have been spending All my computer time reading reviews about toys and comparing prices. Whew, all the research I have done on toys for my son could be a blog in itself.

But today I'm ready to pursue a topic I have no personal knowledge on and that is S.E.X. and the Single Momista.

So ok, yes, it's been A Long Time since I've had intimate relations with anyone...My ex moved out of our bedroom a month after my son's first birthday. And then some point after that, when I knew I was pursuing a divorce, we didn't have sex for a year to claim sexual abandonment in court. (At the time New York was a fault state for divorce). Then I left my ex when my son was two and a half years old, and now he is nearly four. This is all a roundabout way to say it's been awhile, without telling you the exact number of years...

How does the Sinlge Momista even have intimate relations with anyone? I was just starting to figure out how to be a mom and still be sexy and have sex, when the having sex part of my marriage ended. Now I have so much on my plate with raising my son and earning money and staying sane. Add putting myself at the top of the list of people who should get some sleep and also have some fun with friends I already have. And my son will always come first so finding a man who can deal with being second might be a challenge in itself. And this is not just an issue for Single Momistas. All over the place we can read about the merits and importance of date night for married couples with kids.

So...should I join a dating website? I'm old school, and I don't mean that I'm Old (even if I do have to get reading glasses now) but that I'm used to meeting people and getting a vibe from them. I'm not used to scrolling through self promotion ads and images. I spend enuf (ha, ha see how hip I am) I mean Enough time on the computer already. I know how draining my online shopping for Christmas-presents-obsession has been and I'm sure online dating would be just as obsessive for me. I'm not willing to add pursuing a date to my computer time when I could be watching "Up All Night" on Hulu.

Anyone have any tips? Or know an amazing, single man in the New York area who likes kids? Who maybe has a dog?


XO Single Momista

Moving Along Slowly But Surely Post Divorce

Hello there,

So something symbolic occurred for me recently. But before I dish on that, I want to back up and start from the beginning again, back when I was trying to leave my marriage. Because really this is why I am writing my blog in the first place, as a chronicle of hope for someone who might be contemplating the path of a divorced, single mother.

kangaroo paw flowers

A lot of us women trade in some, most of, or all of our career when we stay at home with our baby for some, most of, or all of the time. Or our careers plateau because we are the ones who take a day off when our child is sick or there is a school holiday, etc.

That is my story too. Before the birth of my son, I was earning as much as my husband. And then I became the stay at home parent while my husband became the go out to work parent. I had a home yoga studio, which was aptly called House of Yoga, but considering all the marital tension that eventually led to divorce, the name was probably an oxymoron. Anyway, I started classes up again in House of Yoga when my son was four months old. I began with Mom/Baby yoga classes that I taught in the mornings with my son strapped to me in the baby carrier. Once I figured out my son's sleeping schedule I started up my evening class for working professionals. By the way, I now know that the words guaranteed-to-be-asleep should never be used in the same sentence as the word baby, for once I started teaching evening classes at the time that baby is guaranteed to be asleep, my son was no longer sticking to his chosen schedule. While I was trying to stay focused on teaching people how to relax, I could hear my son screaming at his full lung capacity as his Dad walked him around the neighborhood for an hour! I was also teaching a class at 6 am, before anyone else in my house woke up, and that was the most enjoyable class for me. Five women and I doing sun salutations in my beautiful studio as the morning sun lit it up the walls. I miss those sunny mornings in House of Yoga.

Anyway, fast forward a couple years and I'm still teaching around my full time, stay at home mom schedule and my husband's daytime work schedule. And I am slowly accepting that my marriage is dissolving, but not earning nearly enough money to be able to make any moves. Then I got a full time job as a supervisor for the Census Bureau. Wow, going from yoga world to government bureaucracy was quite a leap for me! I know most people do the opposite, trading in their corporate job to teach yoga, but I desperately needed the money. And after working in yoga clothes for ten years it was fun for me to get dressed up for work. I began in April and three months later I was financially able to move out of my marital home and sublet an apartment with my son. Obviously the money helped significantly but earning also helped me to emotionally make that move. My husband had used his Big earning versus my Small earning as a way to keep me feeling insecure and therefore locked into the marriage. By increasing my income I gained my independence.

When I left my marital home I was making a Substantial Income, but of course working for the Census Bureau was a temporary job and after a five month stint I was unemployed, living separately from my husband, and into my divorce process. I had taken a five month hiatus from teaching yoga as I was far too drained from my divorce to offer anything to my students, and I found myself with no income. I immediately applied for food stamps. This was humbling for me. Then it was Very humbling to actually Use them to purchase food. I remember repeating this mantra: I will do whatever it takes to leave my marriage, even if it means being on food stamps.

The intertwined message of the Puritan Work Ethic and The American Dream that we often hear is that by striving hard, being self made and self sufficient, you will achieve Material Prosperity and have public respect. Being on food stamps seems like the opposite of that message, and even though I felt embarrassed, food stamps were a Part Of my plan for achieving a well respected, happy and prosperous life. I had already said I deserve much more than this and left my marriage to take my chances as an independent, self sufficient Single Momista. I made a decision for my son to grow up in a loving home and witness his Momma as a strong, well loved and respected woman. And to help achieve my goals I was Accepting Help and buying our food with food stamps. So I kept up my mantra: I will do what ever it takes to leave my marriage, even if it means being on food stamps. And I kept buying my locally grown, organic food with them.

Well, now a year later, I no longer financially qualify to be on food stamps! I have set manageable goals and it seems that my hair now frizzes over the poverty line. I have done a lot of personal soul searching and healing this year to get here: I traded yoga lessons for Life Coaching Sessions to help me realign with my direction and motivation, I took part of online seminars about earning your potential, I've read books about the psychology of Why Women Earn Less, I starting saying Yes to things that came my way. I applied for and received a scholarship to study muscles and kinesiology for a year, I did a weekend Restorative Yoga teacher training and connected with colleagues in my field. I've reached out to make new friends and reconnect with old ones. And I have found a way to ask for specific help from people who care about me but who express it in unhelpful ways. I am much more emotionally stronger than I was when I applied for food stamps. And I continue to make my decisions based on having a fulfilling life.

And obviously I am earning more money, otherwise I would still be on the food stamps. And with earning more, I am now able to spend some money on myself. I wrote in a previous post that I was going to address my (lack of) wardrobe and this month I actually subscribed to several fashion magazines and took some of their tips with me as I invested in my external appearance. I have been working so diligently on my internal stuff and now I want my external appearance to reflect my growth and healing. And, I think it's extremely hilarious, but people of the opposite gender are suddenly, and I mean suddenly, saying Hel-lo to me on the street now. One older gentleman even said "looks good to me" as I passed his bus stop. Definitely the internal healing must be shining through. It can't just be the new boots I am wearing.

these boots are made for walking

Be bold and carry on,

XO

Single Momista

Single Momista: Moving Along Slowly But Surely Post Divorce

Single Momista: Moving Along Slowly But Surely Post Divorce: Hello there, So something symbolic occurred for me recently. But before I dish on that, I want to back up and start from the beginning aga...

Single Momista: Halloween and All Soul's Day

Single Momista: Halloween and All Soul's Day: Hello All, My mother died forty years ago, on Nov 1. So the day before this date, Halloween, and the day after, All Soul's Day, truly reso...

Halloween and All Soul's Day

Hello All,

My mother died forty years ago, on Nov 1. So the day before this date, Halloween, and the day after, All Soul's Day, truly resonate with me. I was twenty-two months old when my mother died so it's that lil baby in me who deals with the annual recurrence of devastating memories. The weeks leading up to Halloween are extremely tricky. There is always a familiar sense of impending doom, extreme sadness and anger, compounded with the desire to shut everything down and hibernate. Even forty years later. But Halloween has always been a helpful holiday for me because everyone is dressed up and visiting their dark sides which allows any odd behavior on my part to slip by undetected. The day after is always a relief, like whew, I made it through and amazingly enough it is All Soul's Day, so I can honor her publicly. I am "lucky" to have these particular holidays surrounding the anniversary of her death. Plus, November 1 is my brother's birthday.

rainbow reflection on my wall

But parenting my own child is the most difficult task in the world when I am battling such enormous memories of loss. I am pretty shut down and getting through these days kind of on auto pilot; doing things from memory- tea in the morning, followed by breakfast, get dressed, make bed, etc. I am very preoccupied which can translate to: my threshold for tolerance and patience has been tossed in the garbage. I do plenty of reading about parenting (since I don't have a mother to ask) and I have been trying to implement the "Mommy time out" to get a breather in when I need to separate myself from my son. But as he won't actually let me take a moment to myself, this has not yet been successful.

This week I have found myself yelling and by that I mean SCREAMING like an animal at my child when he does something like hit me, or say no to me, or test me in another way. For example saying he is hungry after we are well into the bed time routine elicited an avalanche response that will not be forgotten and will most likely be retold by my son to his future therapist. Lesson learned, never again will I read my son a book that mentions food during bedtime stories. And he went to bed without the apple. And he slept through the night, so I know he wasn't starving. But my voice hurt from yelling so loud. And I felt terrible for acting like a crazy person and scaring my son. Yes, I definitely overreacted. And then I forgave myself and went to sleep, hibernating for a few hours.

Single parenting my child right now is just too much for me while I am experiencing such deep rooted feelings of loss, abandonment, and even betrayal. I have thought about what would happen if I didn't go pick him up from his Dad's on Tuesday morning. Or more responsibly, what if I asked his Dad to watch him all week? I know that is not really a possibility, but I can plan ahead to ask this next year. It also brings up that I don't have a babysitter for my son. He is in school three days a week, but I could use a babysitter this week to watch him on the other two days so I can get my "Mommy time out". Taking care of myself should be my first priority right now and always. Put the mask on me first if the plane is going down so I can then take care of my son.

Asking for help should be on the top of every Single Momista's list, but is not often on mine, not even to be found scribbled at the bottom. But I am certainly rethinking this as I move through my Learning Curve of how this single parenting thing will work the best for everyone.

I'm going to make some breakfast.
Take care,
XO
Single Momista

Single Momista: Amicable relations with Ex Hubs

Single Momista: Amicable relations with Ex Hubs: Hi Readers, My son is always with his dad from Sunday into Tuesday morning. So Monday morning I can sit on my bed in silence, writing, rea...

Amicable relations with Ex Hubs

Hi Readers,

My son is always with his dad from Sunday into Tuesday morning. So Monday morning I can sit on my bed in silence, writing, reading, drinking my tea. This morning I am looking out the window towards a nice morning sky. My camera is having technical difficulties so I can not add my own picture here, but I found this quote on the Internet:

'A leaf fluttered in through the window this morning, as if supported by the rays of the sun, a bird settled on the fire escape, joy in the task of coffee, joy accompanied me as I walked.' ~ Anais Nin 


But in my case it would be- joy in the task of two cups of green tea, joy accompanied me as I sat in my bed. I know that for many of you Monday morning is not peaceful and leisurely, so I am not even going to mention that I am also still in my pajamas.

What has forced me to sit in my bed this morning can be described quite simply as exhaustion. I have have added five classes to my teaching schedule this Fall. My son also has a new schedule which leaves me less downtime to take care of my "chores" without him. It was two months ago that I noticed I should wash the kitchen floor and it hasn't been done yet (I guess that explains my lack of allowance). My father is visiting next week, so I've got to get to that floor before then. I think I will go back to the Swiffer mop. Even though the mop pads cost more than soap and water, they are so much easier. And whatever makes life easier is the way to go as a Single Momista.

I have lots of mom friends and know that all moms are exhausted. Some moms even have more than one kid. Some single moms don't have an ex who shares responsibility. There are all kinds of things going on for everyone. But partnered up or single, everyone who has a child is most likely exhausted.

I can only do one thing at a time. And in this instance I am not talking about "Acceptance" that a yoga teacher (like myself) might talk about. What I mean is that new work and school schedules are exhausting and take time to get used to and in the meantime I find myself eating bread with butter on it. And then I have an avocado later. And then, what's this? A half eaten string cheese is found in my bag while I'm locating my wallet at the cashier. But I can not seem to make the sandwich and eat the whole thing at one time. I take a shower, but then I have to shave my legs, sometimes immediately after my shower, in the bathroom sink. And sometimes I wash my hair hanging over the tub while my son is taking his bath. And what about my feet? Teaching yoga is a barefoot job, so I really have to take care of my feet but often I just am too tired and forget. So at some point I put a Curious George video for my son which gives me 15- 30 minutes to soak my feet in the tub and go at them with a pumice stone.

Occasionally I do take a shower and do all the rest of it at the same time and I feel amazing! I feel like I did before I had a baby! Sometimes I do make a sandwich for myself or a meal, and again, I feel like this is a major accomplishment. I have had huge successes in my life and taking a shower was never one of them until I had a child. At the end of the day I often have to force myself to take a shower (adult tantrum, anyone?) because I have fallen asleep while putting my son to bed and do not want to wake up and take care of all that other stuff.

But exhaustion can have it's up side. For example, the amicable state of my relationship with my ex right now is definitely due in part to my exhaustion. He still annoys the tofu out of me, but I just can't focus on him right now. And that is so beneficial for my overall state of mind! I'm very accustomed to being angry, annoyed or disappointed with him. And I still am, but to a much lesser degree. I suppose this is the middle ground that people call "the grey zone". A zone that I haven't had much experience with as I'm more of a swinger between black and white. It's either love or hate for me. I know that trying on the grey zone relationship with my ex has a lot to do with how much stronger I feel as a person today, post divorce, as I heal from the effects of divorce (panic/disappointment/betrayal/survival mode, to name a few). And yes, after six years, I am finally having some acceptance of who I have a child with. But being exhausted also makes me focus more on my Self and less so on him.

I found this poster on the street

fall flower shopping with my helper

If you can relate to anything I have said here, please write me a comment below. I would love to hear from you!

Take care & carry on

XO

Single Momista