Single Momista: Divorced for One Year!

Single Momista: Divorced for One Year!: This week a milestone has been reached! I have officially been divorced for one year! Over the course of this year my son and I survived, w...

Divorced for One Year!

This week a milestone has been reached! I have officially been divorced for one year! Over the course of this year my son and I survived, we did not starve and we did not die! We had clean clothes and we socialized. My friends were encouraging and supportive and I also made some new friends. Pre-separation I was convinced that being a solo parent would be a terribly lonely stigma, but I saw that every time I felt stigmatized, it was my own Harsh Inner Critic that was berating my struggling self, not my friends or society. After going through four seasons as a solo mother I know that I can do it, I can be this person who looks after herself and a child. Yes, it sure is a challenge, but I think being a parent sometimes helps me to keep going through the difficult changes. My son is one reason I sought a divorce in the first place, I was determined to raise him in a happy, loving way in a happy, loving home.

Reflecting back over the year, I understand now that this year was about me allowing myself to become  more emotionally stable. I say allowing to become because my Harsh Inner Critic, as mentioned above, can be down right belligerent. H.I.C. is a relentlessly vicious, cut throat attack artist, that bounces back again and again to kill-the-weakling! Why just this week I was bushwhacking myself for not being further along than I am- why am I still connected to my ex husband? Why am I dependent on his court mandated child support (which he says he can not pay this month)? A friend reminded me: It has only been a year. Thank you. Yes. It has been only One Year of being a Single Momista. In a gentler times I recognize that there is a process to becoming a Single Momista, a day by day process; my Single Momista attitude certainly did not develop overnight! And it does not happen by sheer force of will or solely with magical thinking, either. It is a recipe that includes dreaming, action, time, kindness, recommitment, more time and patience. With a good dose of friends, family, exercise, healthy eating, fresh air and laughter. Add a splash of wine, and plenty of chocolate.

my boy & the soft touch of feathers

Can anyone relate to this "year one" of being divorced? Does anyone have insights about "year two"?

Warmly,

XO

Single Momista

Single Momista: Moving to greener pastures

Single Momista: Moving to greener pastures: Spring is here and all the earthy potential in Prospect Park wakens my dream of moving from the city. I want my boy to be able to run free...

Moving to greener pastures

Spring is here and all the earthy potential in Prospect Park wakens my dream of moving from the city. I want my boy to be able to run free and wild outside, and to have autonomy as he grows. I'm anticipating his city kid request to ride the subway alone here in Brooklyn and the answer is a solid NO. So, under the influence of the sweet smell of flowering trees, I return to a favorite past time of mine, the daydream that includes a garden and open space. With a body of water nearby. And a studio for myself. With a good cafe and a movie theater a walk away. And an awesome, teenaged babysitter who is always available and whom my son adores. 

Is the grass greener on the other side? Can anyone comment from experience about relocating as a single parent? I am mostly nervous about loneliness and isolation in a more rural environment...although honestly, I also experience being alone and isolated in the city. I never intended to stay in Brooklyn. And now that I am divorced, I am not tied to my ex's refusal to move anywhere. Living on a train line could easily keep the visitation active between my son and his dad. And my son is only four, so moving by Kindergarten seems like a possibility.

I also desire more autonomy from my ex. Constant contact with someone I purposefully divorced is my current challenge of co-parenting. He has been out of work the past five months and is doing more child care now, so I see him four times a week during pick up or drop off of my child. Before you yell out- why did you divorce this amazing guy who looks after his own kid, remember that I am an amazing Single Momista; I am a woman who looks after my own kid too! Yes, it is nice to have child care "help" from my son's father, but it comes with it's own price. While I do welcome the break from paying a babysitter or from having to physically run from work to get my son before his school closes, now I am also constantly stressed about whether or not I will receive child support each month. Next month is my one year anniversary of being divorced and it seems like I see my ex more than when we were married and trying to separate! Hm mmm, something has to be revised.

Back to greenery--here is a soup I made yesterday: Potato with Spring Greens and Herbs.

Mmm, fresh dill really makes this soup delicious!

Dream, dream, dream,
XO
Single Momista

Single Momista: The feelings that shared visitation brings up

Single Momista: The feelings that shared visitation brings up: Hello Reader, A few things on my mind this week: Getting my son a pet that he can hug and run around with. All the grey in my hair. H...

The feelings that shared visitation brings up

Hello Reader,

A few things on my mind this week:

Getting my son a pet that he can hug and run around with.
All the grey in my hair.
How I miss my son when he is at his dad's.

petting Papa the Cat

Starting at the top of my list- my son wants a cuddly pet friend. Just about everyday of the week we go to our local pet store to pet Papa The Cat, the giant mouser seen in the image above. And my son has named all the feral cats in our neighborhood and keeps his eyes out for them in case they are basking in the sun, just waiting for him to pass by. After a year of this, a couple of them have become friendly towards us and I do let him pet the much less mangy one of the bunch if we are not eating any snacks at the time and are near home so can wash his hands fairly quickly. I also let him pick up feathers in the park, although I am pretty sure they are pigeon feathers. I want my son to feel good about animals and nature so I pretend, for my sake, that the feathers have fallen from more exotic birds. (We have seen a hawk in our park). We have the zoo and the Botanic Garden a ten minute walk away, but we also have feral cat friends and pigeon feathers. The pet idea is most likely going to take a year or longer to come to fruition, but I am starting to consider some tail wagging options. I realize that when my son is at his father's house it will be me and the pet at my house. And of course I am the one currently taking care of Freddy, my son's fish. Hm mm, a decision to be weighed carefully.

I will skip the part about my grey hair. But if you want to leave a comment about your experience with grey hair and dating I would love to hear about it!

On to how I miss my son when he is at his father's house. My goodness, I sure do. This is the bittersweet part of my Single Momista life- the frequent and repeated pain of missing my son when he is staying over at his dad's house. Yes, it certainly is nice have some "me time" and to write this blog instead of dealing with the hassle around bath time. And I do relish the couple mornings a week I can just sit and stare into space, uninterrupted, with a cup of very hot tea. My other mornings involve lukewarm tea and seemingly benign but quickly revealed to be trick questions such as Mommy who do you think I am from the movie? What movie? You know what movie (accompanied by stomping or whining or both). Which provokes my early morning pleas to a Higher Power. But when my son is at his dad's and I am out walking, appearing to be an ordinary, solitary person, I have a secret- I am also a sad person. I am missing my preschool son. I know for my small family's sanity it is important that I take time for myself. And I know it is important that my son and his dad have a relationship. The visitation is written into my divorce papers for both these reasons. So far it seems to be good for everyone in the long run. But the short run is not all fun for Single Momista. Perhaps this explains some of my willingness to even consider the crazy idea of adding a pet to my responsibilities.

the High Line, NYC

bonsai at botanic garden

                                     

Until next time,

XO

Single Momista

Single Momista: Writing, being funny and new shoes

Single Momista: Writing, being funny and new shoes: Hello Readers, I'm back in the game and committed to writing a weekly post. I have my doubts about continuing, but for now I am just doin...