Single Momista: S.E.X. and the Single Momista

Single Momista: S.E.X. and the Single Momista: Hello Everyone, Lately it's been difficult to write this blog--There has been so much going on with me and my ex and my expectations and d...

Dating and the Single Momista

Hello Everyone,

Lately it's been difficult to write this blog--There has been so much going on with me and my ex and my expectations and disappointments that I haven't even known where to begin or how to articulate it all.  And then my obsession with online shopping for Christmas presents has been all consuming! I have been spending All my computer time reading reviews about toys and comparing prices. Whew, all the research I have done on toys for my son could be a blog in itself.

But today I'm ready to pursue a topic I have no personal knowledge on and that is S.E.X. and the Single Momista.

So ok, yes, it's been A Long Time since I've had intimate relations with anyone...My ex moved out of our bedroom a month after my son's first birthday. And then some point after that, when I knew I was pursuing a divorce, we didn't have sex for a year to claim sexual abandonment in court. (At the time New York was a fault state for divorce). Then I left my ex when my son was two and a half years old, and now he is nearly four. This is all a roundabout way to say it's been awhile, without telling you the exact number of years...

How does the Sinlge Momista even have intimate relations with anyone? I was just starting to figure out how to be a mom and still be sexy and have sex, when the having sex part of my marriage ended. Now I have so much on my plate with raising my son and earning money and staying sane. Add putting myself at the top of the list of people who should get some sleep and also have some fun with friends I already have. And my son will always come first so finding a man who can deal with being second might be a challenge in itself. And this is not just an issue for Single Momistas. All over the place we can read about the merits and importance of date night for married couples with kids.

So...should I join a dating website? I'm old school, and I don't mean that I'm Old (even if I do have to get reading glasses now) but that I'm used to meeting people and getting a vibe from them. I'm not used to scrolling through self promotion ads and images. I spend enuf (ha, ha see how hip I am) I mean Enough time on the computer already. I know how draining my online shopping for Christmas-presents-obsession has been and I'm sure online dating would be just as obsessive for me. I'm not willing to add pursuing a date to my computer time when I could be watching "Up All Night" on Hulu.

Anyone have any tips? Or know an amazing, single man in the New York area who likes kids? Who maybe has a dog?


XO Single Momista

Moving Along Slowly But Surely Post Divorce

Hello there,

So something symbolic occurred for me recently. But before I dish on that, I want to back up and start from the beginning again, back when I was trying to leave my marriage. Because really this is why I am writing my blog in the first place, as a chronicle of hope for someone who might be contemplating the path of a divorced, single mother.

kangaroo paw flowers

A lot of us women trade in some, most of, or all of our career when we stay at home with our baby for some, most of, or all of the time. Or our careers plateau because we are the ones who take a day off when our child is sick or there is a school holiday, etc.

That is my story too. Before the birth of my son, I was earning as much as my husband. And then I became the stay at home parent while my husband became the go out to work parent. I had a home yoga studio, which was aptly called House of Yoga, but considering all the marital tension that eventually led to divorce, the name was probably an oxymoron. Anyway, I started classes up again in House of Yoga when my son was four months old. I began with Mom/Baby yoga classes that I taught in the mornings with my son strapped to me in the baby carrier. Once I figured out my son's sleeping schedule I started up my evening class for working professionals. By the way, I now know that the words guaranteed-to-be-asleep should never be used in the same sentence as the word baby, for once I started teaching evening classes at the time that baby is guaranteed to be asleep, my son was no longer sticking to his chosen schedule. While I was trying to stay focused on teaching people how to relax, I could hear my son screaming at his full lung capacity as his Dad walked him around the neighborhood for an hour! I was also teaching a class at 6 am, before anyone else in my house woke up, and that was the most enjoyable class for me. Five women and I doing sun salutations in my beautiful studio as the morning sun lit it up the walls. I miss those sunny mornings in House of Yoga.

Anyway, fast forward a couple years and I'm still teaching around my full time, stay at home mom schedule and my husband's daytime work schedule. And I am slowly accepting that my marriage is dissolving, but not earning nearly enough money to be able to make any moves. Then I got a full time job as a supervisor for the Census Bureau. Wow, going from yoga world to government bureaucracy was quite a leap for me! I know most people do the opposite, trading in their corporate job to teach yoga, but I desperately needed the money. And after working in yoga clothes for ten years it was fun for me to get dressed up for work. I began in April and three months later I was financially able to move out of my marital home and sublet an apartment with my son. Obviously the money helped significantly but earning also helped me to emotionally make that move. My husband had used his Big earning versus my Small earning as a way to keep me feeling insecure and therefore locked into the marriage. By increasing my income I gained my independence.

When I left my marital home I was making a Substantial Income, but of course working for the Census Bureau was a temporary job and after a five month stint I was unemployed, living separately from my husband, and into my divorce process. I had taken a five month hiatus from teaching yoga as I was far too drained from my divorce to offer anything to my students, and I found myself with no income. I immediately applied for food stamps. This was humbling for me. Then it was Very humbling to actually Use them to purchase food. I remember repeating this mantra: I will do whatever it takes to leave my marriage, even if it means being on food stamps.

The intertwined message of the Puritan Work Ethic and The American Dream that we often hear is that by striving hard, being self made and self sufficient, you will achieve Material Prosperity and have public respect. Being on food stamps seems like the opposite of that message, and even though I felt embarrassed, food stamps were a Part Of my plan for achieving a well respected, happy and prosperous life. I had already said I deserve much more than this and left my marriage to take my chances as an independent, self sufficient Single Momista. I made a decision for my son to grow up in a loving home and witness his Momma as a strong, well loved and respected woman. And to help achieve my goals I was Accepting Help and buying our food with food stamps. So I kept up my mantra: I will do what ever it takes to leave my marriage, even if it means being on food stamps. And I kept buying my locally grown, organic food with them.

Well, now a year later, I no longer financially qualify to be on food stamps! I have set manageable goals and it seems that my hair now frizzes over the poverty line. I have done a lot of personal soul searching and healing this year to get here: I traded yoga lessons for Life Coaching Sessions to help me realign with my direction and motivation, I took part of online seminars about earning your potential, I've read books about the psychology of Why Women Earn Less, I starting saying Yes to things that came my way. I applied for and received a scholarship to study muscles and kinesiology for a year, I did a weekend Restorative Yoga teacher training and connected with colleagues in my field. I've reached out to make new friends and reconnect with old ones. And I have found a way to ask for specific help from people who care about me but who express it in unhelpful ways. I am much more emotionally stronger than I was when I applied for food stamps. And I continue to make my decisions based on having a fulfilling life.

And obviously I am earning more money, otherwise I would still be on the food stamps. And with earning more, I am now able to spend some money on myself. I wrote in a previous post that I was going to address my (lack of) wardrobe and this month I actually subscribed to several fashion magazines and took some of their tips with me as I invested in my external appearance. I have been working so diligently on my internal stuff and now I want my external appearance to reflect my growth and healing. And, I think it's extremely hilarious, but people of the opposite gender are suddenly, and I mean suddenly, saying Hel-lo to me on the street now. One older gentleman even said "looks good to me" as I passed his bus stop. Definitely the internal healing must be shining through. It can't just be the new boots I am wearing.

these boots are made for walking

Be bold and carry on,

XO

Single Momista

Single Momista: Moving Along Slowly But Surely Post Divorce

Single Momista: Moving Along Slowly But Surely Post Divorce: Hello there, So something symbolic occurred for me recently. But before I dish on that, I want to back up and start from the beginning aga...

Single Momista: Halloween and All Soul's Day

Single Momista: Halloween and All Soul's Day: Hello All, My mother died forty years ago, on Nov 1. So the day before this date, Halloween, and the day after, All Soul's Day, truly reso...

Halloween and All Soul's Day

Hello All,

My mother died forty years ago, on Nov 1. So the day before this date, Halloween, and the day after, All Soul's Day, truly resonate with me. I was twenty-two months old when my mother died so it's that lil baby in me who deals with the annual recurrence of devastating memories. The weeks leading up to Halloween are extremely tricky. There is always a familiar sense of impending doom, extreme sadness and anger, compounded with the desire to shut everything down and hibernate. Even forty years later. But Halloween has always been a helpful holiday for me because everyone is dressed up and visiting their dark sides which allows any odd behavior on my part to slip by undetected. The day after is always a relief, like whew, I made it through and amazingly enough it is All Soul's Day, so I can honor her publicly. I am "lucky" to have these particular holidays surrounding the anniversary of her death. Plus, November 1 is my brother's birthday.

rainbow reflection on my wall

But parenting my own child is the most difficult task in the world when I am battling such enormous memories of loss. I am pretty shut down and getting through these days kind of on auto pilot; doing things from memory- tea in the morning, followed by breakfast, get dressed, make bed, etc. I am very preoccupied which can translate to: my threshold for tolerance and patience has been tossed in the garbage. I do plenty of reading about parenting (since I don't have a mother to ask) and I have been trying to implement the "Mommy time out" to get a breather in when I need to separate myself from my son. But as he won't actually let me take a moment to myself, this has not yet been successful.

This week I have found myself yelling and by that I mean SCREAMING like an animal at my child when he does something like hit me, or say no to me, or test me in another way. For example saying he is hungry after we are well into the bed time routine elicited an avalanche response that will not be forgotten and will most likely be retold by my son to his future therapist. Lesson learned, never again will I read my son a book that mentions food during bedtime stories. And he went to bed without the apple. And he slept through the night, so I know he wasn't starving. But my voice hurt from yelling so loud. And I felt terrible for acting like a crazy person and scaring my son. Yes, I definitely overreacted. And then I forgave myself and went to sleep, hibernating for a few hours.

Single parenting my child right now is just too much for me while I am experiencing such deep rooted feelings of loss, abandonment, and even betrayal. I have thought about what would happen if I didn't go pick him up from his Dad's on Tuesday morning. Or more responsibly, what if I asked his Dad to watch him all week? I know that is not really a possibility, but I can plan ahead to ask this next year. It also brings up that I don't have a babysitter for my son. He is in school three days a week, but I could use a babysitter this week to watch him on the other two days so I can get my "Mommy time out". Taking care of myself should be my first priority right now and always. Put the mask on me first if the plane is going down so I can then take care of my son.

Asking for help should be on the top of every Single Momista's list, but is not often on mine, not even to be found scribbled at the bottom. But I am certainly rethinking this as I move through my Learning Curve of how this single parenting thing will work the best for everyone.

I'm going to make some breakfast.
Take care,
XO
Single Momista

Single Momista: Amicable relations with Ex Hubs

Single Momista: Amicable relations with Ex Hubs: Hi Readers, My son is always with his dad from Sunday into Tuesday morning. So Monday morning I can sit on my bed in silence, writing, rea...