Self Care Part 2

Hello

Last week I implemented a self care plan for myself as a way to calm my stressed self & inadvertently, my stressed son. How did it go, you ask? Well, I found having the Self Care/ Love calendar (see previous post) on the fridge helped as a reminder. Finding something to do for myself each day started with a bang & became more daunting as the week went on. I had to enlist the help of daily reminders to myself that "self care can be subtle, quiet, and might even be normal everyday things, like making a nice dinner". I don't have to do something amazing! every! day! like going on a vacation to Hawaii. For those of you who might feel as depleted as I do and wonder what the heck self care can look like outside of your usual vices, here is the list of nurturing actions I did this past week:

Sat: gardening & morning at the beach, Sun: saw a friend's theater show, Mon: meditated, Tues: took a bath, Wed: attended a parenting workshop, Thurs: made a good dinner, Fri: bought myself a bed with my tax refund, Sat: had a friend over for the afternoon, Sun: shaved my legs, Mon: yoga, Tues: yoga.

A Brooklyn beach...grey, cold, but still the beach!

And, yes, as I was hoping, through the act of naming and listing how I am taking care of myself, I have been able able to approach my son's tantrums differently. Not saintly, but from a different perspective. A perspective that has been there in the past and was recently trampled on by the current chaos called my life. And amazingly, my son has also been a better communicator with words this week too! Usually after the tantrum, but that is to be expected. We had some real progress in the short time of seven days!

By creating moments of calm for myself, my intuition was able to reign from it's proper place again and I realized I need to look at the visitation schedule my ex and I currently have in place. From the information I have subsequently been gleaning from professionals, I have learned that more time at one house is better than switching frequently to see both parents equally. When I was depressed, distraught and brand new to the full on single parenting schedule, even though I abhorred not having my son with me, I did need him to be with his father so I could focus on dealing with my own stuff. Such as my raw emotions, earning an income and getting a good night's sleep. But now that some time has passed, I have to focus on what is best for my son. Something is wrong and he is sending me that message the only way he knows how to right now- loud and clear with daily, full on screaming and hitting tantrums.

When I was first dating my ex I developed insomnia that lasted pretty much until we separated. I was always stressed with him as a result of ping-ponging between different dramas. One example of a drama was his shop lifting (with our baby)! It is still easy for me to get bullied or manipulated by him and to then second guess my intuition, only to find I have been duped in the end. He is not responding well to the new visitation plan I am now offering; and then he does, and then he doesn't and then he does. But time, and the practice of keeping our communication to email, will help me set the boundaries to help me stand my ground with him. After all, the determination to soothe my son, to help him feel secure, and to show him I am listening, is supporting my back.

Or my inner tree!

I hope that makes sense. That's all I've got this week; I'm exhausted (Wed: go to bed early)!

Your truly,
XO
Single Momista

Self Care

Hello all,

Continuing on a bit from the last post, I will repeat that my little son has been so angry lately. Mind blowing angry outbursts come flying out of his mouth with seemingly no external provocation. Where does this come from? Could that be my voice I am hearing, recycled by my 3 year old? I am quick and ready to take all blame, but maybe there is something to that question. What examples of behavior do I give my son? How do I react to big and small things in our life together when I am constantly stressed?

My son wants to be a boy- energy abounds- yet I have to constantly restrict him in our current apartment. Our previous neighbors were relaxed, but in our new home, the downstairs neighbor has knocked on our door several times to complain. I absolutely loathe it, but I find myself on constant repeat with the no running, no jumping, play your cars on the rug only, no throwing in the house, no toys in the kitchen (lest we lose some more cars under the stove) (and then, if I step on another toy in the kitchen, I am throwing it in the garbage)...yadda, yadda, yadda...

When I am stressed I notice that I tend to over discipline, maybe as a way to get control over an-y-thing in my life. It doesn't work though and at home it actually backfires causing my son to be stressed as well. Then the whole power struggle cycle gets repeated, driving me nuts, which in turn, creates more tension and then I just have to eat all the chocolate I have stocked in the house. Some days I have eaten chocolate before eating breakfast! Information which surprises me, and I'm the one doing it! And while chocolate is delicious and does has a calming and grounding effect (dark chocolate) it is sadly, not the best food for consistent, stable moods and energy.

My current solution to my stress is this- look for a new apartment, eat less chocolate, and take better care of myself daily:

my weekly self care calendar

I can already say that this past Saturday my self care was more window box gardening and we also went to the beach, which is my favorite place. On Sunday, I painted my mismatched kitchen table and chairs white and then I put on heels and lipstick and went to see my friend's show. Monday (today) I meditated for 20 minutes.

My goal is one self care action a day so I move away from relying on chocolate and hours of movies on Netflicks to be my soother/number and into activities that actually do soothe and nurture me. Perhaps for me to experience less daily stress, it's now time to discover what my interests are post baby and post divorce. I am a Single Momista after all, who has known success and love and travel and can maybe do so again, post baby and post divorce.

Off the top of my head I can immediately list a few things I am interested in right now. First of all, finding a yoga teacher to study with is necessary both for my own teaching and my state of mind. Pottery classes would be great, glass blowing classes too, and more day trips to the beach and to the botanic garden. Also, making a weekly food plan for our meals, something I have done in the past but have lost track of recently, is back on starting this week and will help me to eat more healthily.

Will taking care of myself in body, belly and spirit create a calmer Single Momista so that my son is not so tense, stressed and angry? Yes. But there might be more to his anger issue. He is, after all, a very young child of divorced parents, going back and forth between two homes. Before I stay up all night worrying about how my divorce and resulting financial and energetic stress is messing him up, I will remind myself of the very proactive, adult thing I am doing for him this week- I am attending a parenting workshop on "the child who acts out at home" and am counting on that to provide some professional insight.

The transition continues...
XO
Single Momista

Thank You, It's a new day

Hello there,

Today is a new day. Different from yesterday because yesterday was Mother's Day. And we, meaning me and my strange to me now, how did my sweet baby become this absolute tyrannical 3 year old, did not have a smooth day at all. Granted, it was my first ever Mother's Day divorced and maybe I was surprisingly sad, but what I noticed immediately was that there was no one orchestrating a happy day filled with special things and well timed affections. Instead, I made us a nice breakfast and then proceeded to not enjoy my son throwing toys in the house and at me, yelling at me at the top of his lungs and telling he is hungry and then refusing to eat, all on constant repeat throughout the morning and well into the afternoon. Yes, I had a full-on cry fest before 9 am, and then we went to a friend's house for brunch, which was really nice. I wonder why they offered me a whiskey at 11 am, maybe I had mascara all over my cheeks...

Aligrrrrrtor

I saw a red flag peeking out there, during my meltdown. I realized I might just partially be flirting with the edges of my worst idea of the cliche single mom-- cranky, if not downright angry, with my patience worn to the bone which leads me to fly off the handle, over discipline, burst into tears and pass out on the bean bag next to my son's bed at 8:30 pm. My moods are most glaring when I am feeling Isolated. Sometimes, not always, but sometimes, Yes, it really sucks being a Single Momista! And experiencing the feeling "Isolated" really sucks most of all. Some days I only speak to a 3 year old boy and rehash old conversations with adults in my head. Post it note to self: Make More Phone Calls!

But, here is a picture of me today, the day after Mother's Day, while my son was with his Dad (relief mixed with sad feelings. Ah, so many feelings involved with being a parent). I was in the park and called my Girlista friend so I would not feel so isolated. Amazingly, when I called her she was in the park just several yards from me and took my photo:

Sunny Spring day, Brooklyn

So I will say a few words of gratitude here:
I am grateful I have friends
I am grateful for Spring days

I am grateful for butterfly kites.
I am grateful I will take a parenting workshop "Children who act out at home"
I am grateful for my son's many, spontaneous bursts of squeezing affection.

Yes, I have to clean my lens

Stay tuned & true to yourself,

XO 

Single Momista

Money Talks some more

missed a week of blogging while at grandpa's house

I will attempt to keep this More Money Talk simple, ha ha! This post is specifically for the Momista in a difficult, controlling or abusive relationship. If you lovely people following my blog know someone in this situation please pass this post on to her!

A few notes from my Personal Learning Curve:

1. If your spouse is controlling You by controlling the Money, here is a suggestion given to me by my sister, who is an accountant and a tax evasion expert. As regularly as you can, put some money on a store gift card for your future. It's a sure way to save money for your future expenses or even to have the means to buy basic necessities when your money is being controlled. I often used a local pharmacy to buy basics, so twice a month, right after payday, I put $20. to $50. on a store gift card. I saved the cards up and used them as cash when I moved out. If your spouse is controlling your money and therefore, your freedom, my suggestion would be to start doing this Today. The more money put away on gift cards = more money you will have saved up for yourself. When I was going through my divorce my lawyer asked for information on all bank accounts. If I had started a private savings account for myself, it would no longer have been private. And my husband would have been eligible for half the money I had saved up for myself and my son. But the gift cards were my private reserve of future cash. I felt duplicitous while doing it, but it was an imperative action that I had to take for my future.

2. Also, if you can swing it without being questioned by your spouse, every time you purchase something, get at least $10. cash back and put this in a safe place. This can be your cash reserve to get a cab to safety if your spouse is aggressive or you might find you end up with enough money to put a deposit on an apartment. You can also use this money for store gift cards.

3. The day before your court date for divorce, take your name off ALL and I repeat ALL shared bills. I did this on all bills except the electric bill and am now dealing with my irresponsible ex husband's $1000. defaulted utility bill as both our names are on the bill! This is a big Personal Learning Curve Lesson of mine! Why did I expect my ex to miraculously transform into someone who is committed to doing the right thing? Because expecting him to change gives me the chance to participate in a favorite activity of mine- walking full speed ahead into a closed glass door. Do not expect your spouse to suddenly become that person you want them to be! You are getting divorced! Take your name off all shared bills!

Writing about my relationship, albeit thru money, is upsetting for me. So I will leave it there for now and go buy some herbs for my window boxes. Lemon balm, mint, chives, dill, parsley and thyme...Lemon balm tea is very soothing.
XO,
Single Momista

so far I have returning chives & lemon balm from a friend

The many layers of Feelings

hand no band

Last week my lawyer called to tell me I am now divorced! It is supposed to be good news, but I am confused about what I am actually feeling. When I was in court four months ago, I thought my marriage was legally dissolved the day the judge granted the divorce, December 7, 2010. At that time I felt a plethora of feelings; sadness, loss, betrayal, abandonment, anger, confusion, nervousness, uncertainty about how I would do this next part of my life, and also relief. And I felt divorced, officially separated from the man who had been my husband, cut off from the dreams I had dreamed about us. But when I went to file my taxes this Spring, I was told I was not yet divorced, that my lawyer was still waiting for the judge to sign the divorce papers. So I had been married these past months (say what??) and had to file my taxes as Married, Filing Separately.

I decided to look at the stages of grief to help me identify what I might have felt in the past to help me recognize what I might be feeling now. The stages are:
Protection: Shock, Denial
Feeling: Anger, Shame/Guilt, Sadness
Healing: Acceptance, Hope

Oh yes, my good friend and protector, Denial. Denial is definitely a river that has flowed and will most likely flow again through my house. Being in denial was like being in a swaddling blanket, wrapped up tight and secure. I was protected from the reality I could not bear to face. I stayed there for some time because the reality of my situation was too painful for me to handle. Close friends and family were mentioning unspeakable things to me like affair & divorce. But I could not hear them clearly. I thought it was the phone connection, but now I know it was Denial.

Next came lots of Anger and still more anger and even today there is anger. Anger can be a great motivator, it can be a forward moving emotion. Anger allowed me to start talking about, or more likely, spouting off like a hissing radiator, about my marriage with my friends and family. And it led me to take some serious actions, such as talking about divorce and looking for a lawyer. I also house sat my friend's homes when they went away on vacation. I was drawing my line in the sand saying enough is enough; I am over here now.

Guilt, Shame and Bargaining- Maybe going to couple's therapy was a way to bargain. If my husband could explain himself so that I could understand and also accept his reasoning, then maybe I would not have to get divorced and become a (gasp!) single mother! It took me some months to detach myself from opinions I thought others would have of me. I was worried I would be seen as "one who gives up" and that I did not try hard enough for my marriage. And I was definitely afraid of becoming an outcast as a single mother. When it became clear to me that what I would be accepting by staying in my marriage was betrayal, deception, cheating, stealing, disrespect, abuse and neglect, I understood that I had no choice. I could not stay married to this man and raise my child in an unloving home. And I deserved more! Anger came back again. Why was this happening to me?? Also fear and a horrible feeling of being trapped. Guilt and shame made me feel like a victim. But I was also trying desperately to get a mediator. All three mediators I spoke with said I definitely needed a lawyer. So I kept trying to get a free lawyer. And I got a therapist. When I got a therapist, I was able to move into Sadness. And then I found a lawyer.

The first three months after I left my husband the feelings of Sadness were extreme. No wonder I had so much anger earlier on in the grief process. Anger protects us from the sadness. The realization that I had left my marriage, that my little family I had formed was dissolving and therefore that this part of my identity was gone was so incredibly sad, but I was working full time and could only really deal with my sadness on the weekends, when my son went to his Dad's (saying it like that created more separation). And then there was also the sadness of not having my son with me on the weekends. I was too sad to feel the Sadness so I drank a lot of wine and watched six straight seasons of Desperate Housewives on Netflicks. But after three months of numbness, I was ready for the feelings and the Sadness was there waiting for me. It did suck, just like the other stages did, but being in therapy helped and as did my garden of vegetables and herbs. I was also doing restorative yoga.

cherry tomato last summer

Even a flicker of Sadness will strike a fear in me. I always think the feelings will be worse than they are, that I will relive my lifetime of debilitating moments. But really, under the Denial was Sadness, under the Anger was Sadness; Sadness has been there for a couple years. So it's not so bad anymore. What did I watch recently that got the tears flowing and released some feelings- The Switch with Jennifer Aniston. Please, I have an MFA in Performance and Video Art. I've seen all the amazing films art students and film buffs see, but nowadays I don't want smart or amazing, a simple tear jerker is where I'm at. And I'm always looking for new ones, so please leave some suggestions in the Comments section down below.

So now that I am actually and officially Divorced (feels like again) it is very tempting to go back into all the Anger and Sadness. But oddly enough, I am not feeling it. I might be in Acceptance and maybe even Hope, since I am writing a blog about it all. Hmm, interesting and High five to me.

XO,

Single Momista

(P.S. If you want to "follow me", I would love to have you in the followers section up at the right).

I'm dreaming and financial security

It has been difficult for me to get this next post off the ground with the heavy subject of Money but I am hoisting it forth. I thought I would also include my quest for a new bed since money interferes with my sleep. Or rather, worrying about money does. And my actual lack of money keeps me awake, too. Also, having a toddler is not as restful as I would like, either. I just want to sleep!!! (Adult whining) And to have some financial security! And to earn enough money to live in a two bedroom apartment! A woman in my yoga class this week had the words "Im Dreaming" on the back of her sweatshirt and I thought, Yes! That is my aspiration! Dreaming while sleeping and also dreaming of how my life can be bigger, more prosperous and more abundant as I go forth as a Single Momista. (I ironed the words onto a towel).

Last week's blog was much easier to write because it was retrospective and showed me moving forward. But money issues are current for me and feel like quick sand. I want to be inspirational and say Yes you Can get divorced if you are poor, I am the proof and this blog will hopefully show how I accomplish that and thrive. But I am also saying that it is hard. When I was still living with my husband, I read The Complete Single Mother by Andrea Engber. One statement she made that reoccurringly echoes back to me is that after a divorce, the financial state of most single mothers declines. At the time, I did not know what she meant exactly, similar to how a first time pregnant woman is clueless as to how her life will change when her baby is born. But I would never exchange my child for my old life of being single and well rested, and I will never return to my husband! I'm willing to put up with my Personal Learning Curve of how to be a Single Momista just as I'm willing to wipe my son's bottom. I know he will take over that action one day and I hope I will not be stuck here in Transition forever.

I thought leaving behind the bed I shared with my husband would give me a fresh start. After a couple months on an air mattress, I bought a bed from a person I knew, who was moving. A brand new bed is out of the question when I am taking money from the bills to to pay the rent and vice versa. Unbeknownst to me at the time, this person sold me a bed with bedbugs. So now I'm not only out a bed, but also out the money I paid for the bed, and out the money it takes to deal with bedbugs- we are talking Lots of Laundry, and sleepless, paranoid nights! Maybe this is something The Complete Single Mother was talking about. In retrospect, I would take the marriage bed with me and wait for the fresh start when I could afford to buy a new bed from a store.

My Personal Learning Curve tends to feel extremely difficult while I am being pushed along it. Old stuff has to be cleared out for the new to have any room to grow. My divorce is part of that, and I am willing to sleep on the couch (taking a break from the air mattress) and to buy food with food stamps to get out of that abusive, toxic relationship (more on both of those later). Confronting the woman who sold me the bed was difficult, but I did it. Then the Big Tax Return I was expecting this year took a detour. That was very difficult to stomach and would go under Money = Quick Sand in my files. But by the week's end I was able see the positive effort on my end of standing up for myself and being willing to do the work to appeal both the federal and the state agency's decisions. My Single Momista way of creating room for the new behavior means taking care of things the best I can, when they arise, rather than sweeping them under the rug forever.

In yoga we often hear: It's the journey on your yoga mat that is the essence of your yoga, not the end result of a perfected pose. Meaning that the effort you put in by repeatedly showing up is what makes your practice flourish. Appealing the government's decision regarding my taxes is me showing up and putting in the effort. Writing my monthly bills out on my calendar is me doing the same. Some months I can show up with actual money for the bills and some months I can not. Just like some days I can do a more effortful yoga practice and some days I can only do Child's pose or sit meditating after my son wakes up at 6 a.m. and then thankfully falls back asleep in my current bed, The Couch.

Heartlight & how I got to my first post-separation apartment

When I left my husband, I moved with my son to a six month sublet.  Initially, I was really torn about the lack of stability that might create, because of course, we would have to move again, soon. And, I wanted to hold onto my apartment; I had lived there for four years, I had a garden, my son's babysitters were nearby and so were my friends and the places I worked. I naively kept hoping my husband would do the right thing and leave, after all, he had admitted he was loving another woman. He should be the one to go, right?

But, despite my attachment to the apartment, my quieter self, the one tuned into intuition, the ebb and flow of life, and the truth that nothing is permanent, slowly started preparing to leave. It was so subtle, that at first I didn't even notice. I was giving away things, but every item seemingly had a reason for being let go of; perennials in my garden simply needed more space, my son had outgrown his clothing. I decluttered my desk and files of papers. I did a seasonal purge of my clothing and also the medicine cabinet. This preparation was slow and carried me through months. It wasn't until the sunny day that I separated my books from my husband's that I started to catch on that a real shift had taken place inside me. 

After the book separation, I got nervous and stopped for awhile. But I was still going ahead with other actions. I had taken a temporary full time job (I had been the stay at home parent), I was talking to friends, family and a therapist about my marriage and, I had also, finally, obtained a free lawyer (more to come on all those things in another post). Then, after some time, my fearful, and therefore, happy to live in denial and married to a jerk, in a sexless marriage mind calmed down & let my strong, intuitive self lead the way. I consciously started putting things in boxes. My husband had been sleeping in my stepson's bedroom for over a year and never came into what was now "my" room, so I started there. Before I knew it, I was taking my separated books off the living room shelves and taping the packed boxes shut. Once my mind integrated with my wise inner self, I became boldly aligned, and was willing to pick up my heels and let the winds of change take me.

A friend had been offering me a six month sublet in her house for months, but for a. long. time. there was no way I was going. Then one evening my husband told me he loved me and I immediately knew something was up. He had already told me, quite insensitively, that I should to get over him, and we had already talked many, many times over the course of a couple years of divorcing, so I was not sure what was happening. But I did know those three words were being used to manipulate me. Well guess what, not my pal anymore of a husband? I, my thinking self, and I, my knowing self, was packed(!) and therefore, ready to go(!) and my friend still had the sublet(!) and my attachment to my apartment was gone! My heart light was ready to be as bright as it could be. 

Gradually, it became known that my husband had been served the divorce papers that particular, I love you day and he certainly was trying to manipulate me. A few months ago, the six month sublet ended and I signed a lease on an apartment with wonderful, natural light, within my rental price, nearer to my son's daycare, with friends and the zoo, the park and the Brooklyn Botanic Garden all within walking distance.  The heart light in the picture above is in my kitchen and is 5' x 5'. No, I don't think I have ever purposely listened to Neil Diamond, but I did just look up the lyrics online and now I might just have to download his song.