The many layers of Feelings

hand no band

Last week my lawyer called to tell me I am now divorced! It is supposed to be good news, but I am confused about what I am actually feeling. When I was in court four months ago, I thought my marriage was legally dissolved the day the judge granted the divorce, December 7, 2010. At that time I felt a plethora of feelings; sadness, loss, betrayal, abandonment, anger, confusion, nervousness, uncertainty about how I would do this next part of my life, and also relief. And I felt divorced, officially separated from the man who had been my husband, cut off from the dreams I had dreamed about us. But when I went to file my taxes this Spring, I was told I was not yet divorced, that my lawyer was still waiting for the judge to sign the divorce papers. So I had been married these past months (say what??) and had to file my taxes as Married, Filing Separately.

I decided to look at the stages of grief to help me identify what I might have felt in the past to help me recognize what I might be feeling now. The stages are:
Protection: Shock, Denial
Feeling: Anger, Shame/Guilt, Sadness
Healing: Acceptance, Hope

Oh yes, my good friend and protector, Denial. Denial is definitely a river that has flowed and will most likely flow again through my house. Being in denial was like being in a swaddling blanket, wrapped up tight and secure. I was protected from the reality I could not bear to face. I stayed there for some time because the reality of my situation was too painful for me to handle. Close friends and family were mentioning unspeakable things to me like affair & divorce. But I could not hear them clearly. I thought it was the phone connection, but now I know it was Denial.

Next came lots of Anger and still more anger and even today there is anger. Anger can be a great motivator, it can be a forward moving emotion. Anger allowed me to start talking about, or more likely, spouting off like a hissing radiator, about my marriage with my friends and family. And it led me to take some serious actions, such as talking about divorce and looking for a lawyer. I also house sat my friend's homes when they went away on vacation. I was drawing my line in the sand saying enough is enough; I am over here now.

Guilt, Shame and Bargaining- Maybe going to couple's therapy was a way to bargain. If my husband could explain himself so that I could understand and also accept his reasoning, then maybe I would not have to get divorced and become a (gasp!) single mother! It took me some months to detach myself from opinions I thought others would have of me. I was worried I would be seen as "one who gives up" and that I did not try hard enough for my marriage. And I was definitely afraid of becoming an outcast as a single mother. When it became clear to me that what I would be accepting by staying in my marriage was betrayal, deception, cheating, stealing, disrespect, abuse and neglect, I understood that I had no choice. I could not stay married to this man and raise my child in an unloving home. And I deserved more! Anger came back again. Why was this happening to me?? Also fear and a horrible feeling of being trapped. Guilt and shame made me feel like a victim. But I was also trying desperately to get a mediator. All three mediators I spoke with said I definitely needed a lawyer. So I kept trying to get a free lawyer. And I got a therapist. When I got a therapist, I was able to move into Sadness. And then I found a lawyer.

The first three months after I left my husband the feelings of Sadness were extreme. No wonder I had so much anger earlier on in the grief process. Anger protects us from the sadness. The realization that I had left my marriage, that my little family I had formed was dissolving and therefore that this part of my identity was gone was so incredibly sad, but I was working full time and could only really deal with my sadness on the weekends, when my son went to his Dad's (saying it like that created more separation). And then there was also the sadness of not having my son with me on the weekends. I was too sad to feel the Sadness so I drank a lot of wine and watched six straight seasons of Desperate Housewives on Netflicks. But after three months of numbness, I was ready for the feelings and the Sadness was there waiting for me. It did suck, just like the other stages did, but being in therapy helped and as did my garden of vegetables and herbs. I was also doing restorative yoga.

cherry tomato last summer

Even a flicker of Sadness will strike a fear in me. I always think the feelings will be worse than they are, that I will relive my lifetime of debilitating moments. But really, under the Denial was Sadness, under the Anger was Sadness; Sadness has been there for a couple years. So it's not so bad anymore. What did I watch recently that got the tears flowing and released some feelings- The Switch with Jennifer Aniston. Please, I have an MFA in Performance and Video Art. I've seen all the amazing films art students and film buffs see, but nowadays I don't want smart or amazing, a simple tear jerker is where I'm at. And I'm always looking for new ones, so please leave some suggestions in the Comments section down below.

So now that I am actually and officially Divorced (feels like again) it is very tempting to go back into all the Anger and Sadness. But oddly enough, I am not feeling it. I might be in Acceptance and maybe even Hope, since I am writing a blog about it all. Hmm, interesting and High five to me.

XO,

Single Momista

(P.S. If you want to "follow me", I would love to have you in the followers section up at the right).