Back up and running

Hello again,

My blog has been out of commission for a bit because I discovered my 16 year old stepson was reading it. I immediately shut everything down as I thought it was too much information for him to be learning about his father. But after I spoke with his mother, and then my therapist, I thought it was most likely healing for him to have read about stuff that he can relate to. I have not written any lies, nor am I writing a hate blog about my ex. My intention is to write about my life as a single mom, and like my own son, my stepson is also the son of a single mom. So I am back and opening my blog up to the general public again. I now have the awareness to be more mindful of who my audience might be. And I'm hoping that after the initial dose, most of my blog will be boring to a sixteen year old boy anyway...

For example, I just got home from a school field trip with my son and a bunch of other three and four year olds. We took a bus ride for two and a half hours to go apple picking in the pouring rain for one hour and then get back on the bus for a couple more hours. I thought I was going to implode with the sheer frustration of it all, but I survived and here are some pics to prove it:

Our "pick your own" bags of apples

The view behind us as we run for shelter on the bus

And then once we were back at home in our familiar city digs, my son went to his dad's house for the night. And, ahem, his dad's girlfriend is in town, sleeping over while my son is there. Arhhh...it's all big stuff for me. Maybe some of you who have more experience with that than I do and can leave some comments for me, please?

A friend reminded me recently that my son is not my property. Yep, good reminder, he has his own life path with many people on it. I also have my life path and can be distracted by all the stuff people "do to me" or I can do what I really need to do, which is focus on my creative stuff again. And I really need to get some creative work going. That is also why I started up my blog again. It's been super healing and healthy for me to write. Plus, while writing was always something I considered myself really terrible at (it used to take me ages to even write my name on a paper, let alone string my thoughts together) surprisingly, it's now become my creative outlet. And while I would appreciate the help of an editor, writing is no longer so torturous for me and that feels great (and is even proof that things do change)!

I was reading about people born on my birth date (Jan 3, 1970) and the first line was: You are an artist.
Reading that jolted me back into myself. So hello, I am back...and still need to get to my b.u.t.t. to my friend's ceramic studio!!!!!

Be bold and carry on,
XO
Single Momista

Back to school season

Hello there,

My son is starting a Montessori program tomorrow after two weeks at home without daycare and I'm a nervous wreck! We did a Montessori crash course this weekend. It started with trying to reduce the Big Blue Babysitter (TV) that I have fallen into the habit of using this summer. We played with all the wooden toys we have in the house, practiced cleaning up together, discussed the play mat that everyone has for projects on the floor and we tried (and failed) to nap during their nap time, which starts at 12:30 pm.

We got excited about his lunchbox (from onesmallstep.com), personalizing it with stickers and we went shopping for lunch foods and snacks. I love his lunch box because to me it means that he can take my nurturing to school with him, but really, who am I kidding? I have a boy who seems to survive on milk alone, so I shouldn't expect much in the eating all my "lovely" lunch department.

I tried to pump up the excitement about the shirt he will wear the first day of school (an "S is for shark" shirt), and we talked about that might be sad but he will make new friends and all that. Really, as all you parents probably know, all that pumping up of stuff is as much for me as for him because I'm terrified and stressed and losing sleep! I have been trying to do some restorative yoga everyday to stay connected to myself this week before his new school starts.

On the Etsy site, I saw some wonderfully sewn felt hearts for kids to keep in their pockets at school and I made a variation out of a spare piece of my son's lovey/blanket. I stuffed it with torn apart cotton balls, as I did not have any fiber fill around. I think this will be an issue when I have to wash it, but until then I'm just not going to think about it!

Hopefully some of you other parents are taking care of yourselves as well during this back to school transition time!

Take care & carry on!
XO
Single Momista

Wedding anniversary

OMG What was I thinking when I marked what feels like every national holiday with an emotionally loaded celebration such as my wedding, marriage engagement or some other memory related to my late relationship? Even my son's birth- same date as my ex husband's birthday! If we could have only waited four more hours for the Cesarean...

My ex and I had decided to get married over the Labor Day weekend so we would always have several days off around our wedding anniversary. And here it is again, Sept 3! Last year I had a party at my house to get me through the actual wedding day. And now I am up in MA with my child wondering if I should just stay up here or return to Brooklyn as originally planned...

me looking very Ukrainian on a farm

& then my LA/film director look

my favorite- dill!

  

my sidekick & me

inside our "pick your own" basket

I decided to come back to Brooklyn. My son hadn't seen his Dad in eleven days and today started his Dad's weekend. I hadn't even remembered it was my wedding anniversary until it was right on top of me. But when I did remember, I was unsure of how to feel. Sad, weird, betrayed, happy, peaceful? Then a smart friend of mine told me: You can keep going down the same road, remembering the past, being sad for three days around Labor day weekend, or you can Choose A Different Way!! So we raced to the train early this morning and here I am, back home at the beginning of a long weekend, with chocolate ice cream, a fennel and sunflower seed baguette, my blog and a list of Taking Care of Me plans:

1. Photo shoot tomorrow morning for my yoga website
2. Haircut & color
3. Pedicure in a salon
4. Yoga class
5. Envision my fall fashion (ha ha......I fell off my chair laughing)
6. Pay some bills (It feels so good to take care of payments when I have the money)
7. Call friends and maybe even see some in person

Take care & stay true to yourself!
XO
Single Momista

Room Design: Sharing a room with your child

Hello everyone,

I know five families sharing a one bedroom with their child/or children, not including myself. But I never see these kinds of homes showcased in design magazines. I can not even pull up one image on Google to help me with my own design dilemmas...Not very helpful, as this is an issue for many families. So I decided to show you how I am tackling this problem in my own apartment rental in Brooklyn.
Here is my "Before" picture:

 You can tell who dominates the room...

Looking at the image of our bedroom, you can see there is no separation between our two spaces except the room divider around my son's bed. Notice that I placed his headboard and pillow in the direction of the room divider, rather than toward the window, which allows for some privacy and separation. He can not see me when he lies down and I can not see him when I lie down. Even the smallest amount of privacy helps! This was the first step towards me getting a sense of separation in our room.

Notice the small book light by the books- a must have!!

Next, I made my bed a cozy place that I want to hang out in and on, because it is basically all the space I get on my half of the room! This was a project unto itself and took some planning as it entailed spending some money, and bedding is not cheap. I bought some new sheets and a quilt and matching shams. This might not be an option for everyone right now, but as I do spend so much time in bed, nurturing myself with some new bedding was well worth it! Yes, I truly sleep better in my new sheets! Also having my bed "dressed" helps define my part of the room, the exact effect I was going for.

I then rearranged the furniture and used the dressers as a wall between our spaces. My dresser was an unattractive eyesore, so I painted it a color I thought fitting for the bedroom- Full Moon- it's the palest of pale grey. Painting is also a big project. You have to remove the clothing from the drawers, sand the exterior of the dresser, wipe it clean and then paint several coats, allowing each coat to dry before applying the next. Don't be intimidated, you can find full instructions online. I did this when my son was with his Dad for several days. For me the project was well worth it as my lighter colored dresser helps to open up the space. 

The Two-Dresser-Wall

As winter is coming, I wanted to move my son's bed away from the radiator, so rearranged his room by flipping the placement of his toys and bed. Having the dressers as room dividers proved useful because 1. I was able to organize all his colorful, plastic toys out of sight, behind my dresser! And 2. I could tuck his bed behind his dresser, creating privacy for both of us. I still placed the headboard side of his bed and his pillow facing toward the screen/room divider, which I decided to keep for the time being. It acts as a tall wall behind his bed. I'm thinking about replacing his dresser with an Expedit bookshelf from Ikea. It would allow for more shelving; the books would get off the floor and his trucks would have cubbies to be stored in.

The bench is a sitting space between our "rooms"

Sleep zone behind his dresser

Play zone

His view of my "room" Now it does seem like it's own space.

The last stage of my Bedroom Improvement was to change how the curtains are hung. Rather than having them hang from above the window frame, down towards the floor (see "Before" image- they are too bulky, with wasted fabric) I bought two tension rods and placed them inside the window frame. I cut the curtains shorter so they land at the window ledge and sewed purple fabric (the fabric I happened to already have) inside the curtains as a "black out shade". I still have to finish hemming the curtains up and then Viola! more space around that wall. My do have purple sheets for my bed so elements in the room should tie together nicely.

When hemmed there will be a crisp bottom edge

Our functioning room- me sewing, him playing

I hope you enjoyed my bedroom house tour! Maybe you can take away some helpful tips. I would certainly love to hear about your remedies for similar problems!

All the Best,

XO 

Single Momista

Alone Time

Hello people,

So my son is with his Dad for ten days! Yes, that's right, I have Ten Days Alone. I have not been this relaxed in four years! And as I write this, I am taking the train to visit an old friend for a couple days at the Jersey Shore. Never mind that thunderstorms are forecasted, I am going on an adventure with a book and a camera. Change of scenery and adult conversations, here I come!  WOW.

I am five days into my time alone. All you parents can live vicariously through me for a moment: My mornings have been very gentle. I wake up on my own and drink my tea like I used to back in the day- quietly, with the sunrise, not thinking about anything in particular, perhaps recalling my dreams from the night before....There is no little person trying to pull my leg (in all ways possible) for a six a.m. popsicle or lollipop...

Brooklyn sunrise

Morning tea at home

And now I'm at the Jersey Shore!

More to come tomorrow, when I will start a couple posts about how to share a bedroom with your young child, without being taken over by stuffed animals and plastic toys..
XO
Single Momista

Growing Pains

Hello friends and readers,

OK, here is the inside scoop on my life and emotions.  My son is going to his Dad's girlfriend's house this month for a few days. (She lives in another state). And what that really means is that my son is going to have his Dad's girlfriend (always known to me as his affair) in his life. AHHHHH. And I gave the trip the OK. Because really, what else could I do? The lady is here to stay and the reality is that the trip probably would have happened whether I approved it or not. For the first time my ex asked my permission about something that involved his girlfriend and our son. And I want more of that behavior over the next eighteen years. So the best approach is to act dignified and get on board, even if it feels to me like I am only pretending to take the high road. My advice to myself: act the way you wish to appear.

My therapist suggested that my ex and I sit down together and talk with our son about the trip so that he knows I give the go ahead. According to her, this will show my son that he doesn't have to take care of my feelings or choose sides out of loyalty to me when he is there. He might do this on his own, but my job is to show him that he can have his own feelings about the trip and about Daddy's "friend" and her two kids. And, she said, if he does have a tantrum while there (rather than saving it up for me when he returns) his Dad will have to deal with it and have a chance to see how his choices affect our son. All this was said to me in the matter of fact manner of a professional. The child in me was internally screaming No way, Mother F-er to my ex while the adult me sat on my therapist's couch and absorbed the odd reality that I really did not have any right to veto the trip. 1. There are no real safety issues, only the imaginary ones in my mind. Like what if the bus to Boston falls on it's side and my son dies. And 2. If I ask them to postpone the trip until next summer, so my son can get to know the "friend" on his home turf more, I am only trying to control my ex's relationship. And that is not mine to control. Which leads to 3. My son will have his feelings about his Dad and about our divorce and I can not protect him from those feelings. I can only give him the room to express them.

Forgive me if my newly expanded brain has popped out of your computer and smacked into your face! It is being forced to absorb and process at an alarming rate!

My son has a life with his Dad that does not include me. It is a pretty cool life to a three year old. He eats candy over there, he chews gum, he has a LOT of toys at his Dad's house, his Dad has an I-pad. How do I fit in? I really don't and usually I am content with this. But some old feelings are getting stirred up with this impending trip to his girlfriend's. I did have dreams with my ex, we were building a life together. He also pushed me really hard to have a baby and to get married and when I delivered (ha ha, pun) he left. And now he wants to take my baby to "his affair's" house. Argh, I feel a victim rant coming on-- what was I, just a baby mama?

It is painful when I go down the road of compare and despair. That is really a ridiculously silly, dead end, road to travel, especially when I know that by having left this man, I said YES to a more stable, loving life for both myself and my son. But clearly the internal psyche is not so black and white. There is the grey zone. One of the many reasons for our divorce, my ex's relationship with another woman, is becoming a part of my son's life. It is very challenging for me to have my ex in my life and to stay healthy by constantly redefining my boundaries with him. I can not cut and run and simply play the victim role. To really move on and be strong, not just intellectually but also emotionally, I need to focus on my life in the present. And over time the sad memories of the past will lose their importance. So, I have made some plans to do some fun things for myself while they are away, like playing around in my friend's ceramic studio and going to another friend's house at the beach. I also need to get my hair cut.

Thank you for listening while I process here. I sure wish I had something way more fattening than strawberries in the house right now! Oh, here is a fruit leather... Not Good Enough---I've got to seriously rethink the food shopping!! 

An old drawing of mine. It's an internally directed effort.

Take care,
XO
Single Momista

Control (or Not to be Controlled)

Hello Readers,

Recently my computer was wiped clean- I don't know what happened, but I lost Every Thing on it and had to bring it to the Apple store to even get it started up again. At that time the news for my astrological sign was talking about letting go of the past... Very Interesting I said as I lost photos of my life before my son was born, photos of my wedding (as you know, my marriage is over anyway) and photos of the first three years of my son's life that I hadn't yet printed (red flag!)... Along with other also stuff that I could find again in emails, like my resumes and cover letters.

Continuing in this vein over the course of this last week, an arm on my glasses broke. They are wearable, but delicate, and yesterday my cell phone broke. There is a pattern here and I'm not sure I want it to continue! I mean, I certainly can not afford the pattern of everything breaking to continue. Oh, and my toaster died too. When clean sweeps like this take place in my life, I'm the type of person who wonders if I am missing an elephant in the room. Stuff like this makes me curious if there something begging to be looked at from another perspective.

My astrology for the past two, almost three years, has been telling me to get rid of toxic stuff in my life or else (please, just go with me on this) and this week I wondered how big the "or else" has to get before I start to let go of the Really Deep Rooted Toxic Stuff, like the negative thinking within my own mind that keeps me down. Or the contact with negative people, or with people who don't understand me and want me to live life their way. Or all the "tough love" characters in my life. Do you see what I'm saying? It might be more simple than all this, but to my pondering mind, the fact that my computer, my glasses, my cell phone and my toaster all broke within a very short time of one another points toward there being a bigger picture to look at.

It also brings up is the question of how much of my life is really in my actual control and how important is that? Is keeping a tight reign on All Things a guarantee that will life continue on, undisturbed forever? What if I let go a bit, will everything completely fall apart? How much can I let go of before it does fall apart? By the way, do I still think falling apart is such a bad thing? My life certainly fell apart from what it was, and while that was horrifying at the time, here I am writing about it in a blog! I'm a survivor (insert singing of Survivor by Destiny's Child) and I certainly have learned a lot about letting go recently.

I ask these questions as I look ahead to the Fall (namely, October) when my year of unemployment will be coming to an end. Ah, panic, panic, panic! This first year that I have been separated and divorced I have been so lucky to have unemployment! Thank you, thank you, thank you! I have been able to work part time and therefore only have my son in daycare part time. I have been able to get my emotional life sorted out, or felt out, as it were. And now here I am in July with a few months ahead of me before I let go of my unemployment and start earning at least as much as it has provided me. Nerve wracking and nervous making because that means another change is coming! I could easily be full of anxiety every second; I feel the panic as I write this! But when I was trying to get a divorce I took small actions every day toward the larger goal and I can do that now. I can stay in touch with myself, rather than trade myself in for the spinning wheels of anxiety. I heard this said in a yoga class this week:
Everything unfolds as it should when you loosen your grip and allow yourself to be open.
Ah, loosening the grip rather than tightening it! Small actions every day rather than holding on in fear.

This week I made my son a calendar of the days of the week he is with me and alternately with his Dad. I figured if I wonder about what I can control in my life, he must feel much more confusion around that in his life. (Whew, I am so glad my camera was not affected by the "clean sweep")!

Up top is the time line of "things we do in the day" &
then Mommy/Daddy days along bottom. He refers to it now!
And is wrapping his head around the idea that we don't have to
eat exactly what is in the pictures!

Take care and thanks for reading!

XO 

Single Momista