Do more of what makes you happy

Hello there,

Last week I wrote about my friend's psychic telling me to do more of what makes my heart sing, to do what makes me happy.  What sage advice!  Maybe you find that to be an inspiring reminder too.  I might write about this topic for awhile, because it does seem like the best thing I can do for myself these days...

This is a loaded week for me because it includes the day my mother died- Hallow's eve.  Really it's the very early part of Nov 1, but Halloween is the marker.  Growing up I had a stepmother, but she was not a kind, nurturing or attentive replacement.  To put it plainly, my childhood was void of affection. My brother and I had our basic shelter, food and clothing needs met, but no love from the mother figure of the house.  There was no baking with the warm, delicious smells filling the house. There was no cuddling.  I certainly did not confide my secrets to my stepmother; I didn't even go to her when I was hurt.

I find now, as a healthy Single Momista, that much of my parenting is the opposite of what I was raised in.  It involves cuddling, snuggling, playing, listening, guiding.  Basically, I parent my son (el Sonno) the way I needed and wanted to be parented during my own childhood.  It's not always easy to navigate healthy parenting from a lack of experience (reading tons of parenting books is helpful) and I invent much of my parenting up as I go along.  But the most amazing part, along with my great relationship I have with el Sonno is that I am nurtured by being the mother I lacked as a child.  And this certainly makes my heart sing.  

So to feel more of that happy heart, this morning I made muffins.  And wow, does my apartment smell good!  Later, when el Sonno returns from his dad's house, we will bake cupcakes in honor of my mother for Halloween.  Orange and black and spooky and delicious.  Sadness, joy, laughter and nurturing all mixed together in a warm kitchen.  We baked muffins and brownies last week and we both loved it, so we are doing it again with cupcakes!  Repeat the happiness.  Do more of what makes you happy.

XO
Single Momista

Soar like an Eagle

3rd Eye.  Photo credit goes to my son

Hello everyone,

How to begin... perhaps like this: With my hands over my face I cried to my friend, "I feel trapped!" The next day she took me uptown to her psychic.  Behind a curtain that separated us from the hair salon, the spirits communicated that I should be writing... And one and a half years later, here I am, back on Single Momista!  Life intervenes.  Right? Right.  Plus I felt a lot of pressure from the spirits.  

Because they also said I "should do what makes my heart sing."  

Now that right there was a lot to think about.  

Remember that I came to this session with the psychic because I told my friend that I felt trapped. So clearly, I wasn't investing very much into my personal happiness at the time.  In hindsight, leaving my marriage five years ago certainly put me on the path of doing what makes me happy, even though it was very tough decision at the time and not always breezy in the day to day.  I've lived these years as a Single Momista feeling like I'm doggie paddling to keep my nose above water and then recuperating my energy in my down time.  I wasn't aware I had put joy aside because I was doing what you do when you parent a 3, 4, 5, 6, and now 7-year old son.  My "fun" consisted of talking to my girlfriends, reading and falling asleep at 8 PM.  Yes, it's pretty much the same today.  Do not call after 8 PM and expect to talk to me.  My friend had a birthday party that started at 9; I didn't even consider that she meant at night.  My other friend said that my son will not have to sneak out of my house when he's older; all he has to do is ask if I want to snuggle at bedtime and BAM, I'm out like a light and he's free to do what he wants.  Yes, I do love sleeping (and I'm an early riser) but I'm trying to emphasize that the spirits had a point.  Right here under my desk I see grey clothed Surviving strong arming Thriving, who's in the sparkly dress. Feeling Responsible squints menacingly at Fun.  So being told that I should basically prioritize joy was a lot for me to absorb.  I know all this might sound strange, but, I mean, the spirits... they know things, right?  They've been here, they've been there.  They have perspective.  They see the big picture.  My mother is a spirit, she died when I was a 22-month old.  My grandmothers are spirits too.  

So, slowly I began.  I took the ceramics course I'd been wanting to take for several years.  I built a pollinator garden slash bird habitat at my son's school (a combination of public school PTA work and a singing heart activity).  I started a performance project with a collaborator.  I painted watercolors of my hands.  I became a certified Feng Shui consultant.  And recently, when I was wondering if I should just buckle down and get a job at the gas company (I love that utility belt) I went to my astrologer and she confirmed everything that the psychic said and told me much, much more.  Bottom line, I should soar like an eagle and write. 

So, that brings me here, to Single Momista.  My goal is to write and see where it leads.  I originally began the blog in 2011 to communicate with other parents who were in similar situations.  Several years on, I'm still a Single Momista and, apparently, I still have stuff to communicate.  If you related to anything I wrote here, please leave me a comment!  I'd love to hear from you. 

XO Single Momista

Hello, hello again...

Hello out there,

I am Single Momista and I am still trucking along with my son (now age five). Today I am just toying with the idea of writing my blog again.

Making muffins before preschool, soundtrack by Lou Reed

Summer clouds last July

Small mushroom, small hands

From Rockaway Beach after Hurricane Sandy

Single Momista: Divorced for One Year!

Single Momista: Divorced for One Year!: This week a milestone has been reached! I have officially been divorced for one year! Over the course of this year my son and I survived, w...

Divorced for One Year!

This week a milestone has been reached! I have officially been divorced for one year! Over the course of this year my son and I survived, we did not starve and we did not die! We had clean clothes and we socialized. My friends were encouraging and supportive and I also made some new friends. Pre-separation I was convinced that being a solo parent would be a terribly lonely stigma, but I saw that every time I felt stigmatized, it was my own Harsh Inner Critic that was berating my struggling self, not my friends or society. After going through four seasons as a solo mother I know that I can do it, I can be this person who looks after herself and a child. Yes, it sure is a challenge, but I think being a parent sometimes helps me to keep going through the difficult changes. My son is one reason I sought a divorce in the first place, I was determined to raise him in a happy, loving way in a happy, loving home.

Reflecting back over the year, I understand now that this year was about me allowing myself to become  more emotionally stable. I say allowing to become because my Harsh Inner Critic, as mentioned above, can be down right belligerent. H.I.C. is a relentlessly vicious, cut throat attack artist, that bounces back again and again to kill-the-weakling! Why just this week I was bushwhacking myself for not being further along than I am- why am I still connected to my ex husband? Why am I dependent on his court mandated child support (which he says he can not pay this month)? A friend reminded me: It has only been a year. Thank you. Yes. It has been only One Year of being a Single Momista. In a gentler times I recognize that there is a process to becoming a Single Momista, a day by day process; my Single Momista attitude certainly did not develop overnight! And it does not happen by sheer force of will or solely with magical thinking, either. It is a recipe that includes dreaming, action, time, kindness, recommitment, more time and patience. With a good dose of friends, family, exercise, healthy eating, fresh air and laughter. Add a splash of wine, and plenty of chocolate.

my boy & the soft touch of feathers

Can anyone relate to this "year one" of being divorced? Does anyone have insights about "year two"?

Warmly,

XO

Single Momista

Single Momista: Moving to greener pastures

Single Momista: Moving to greener pastures: Spring is here and all the earthy potential in Prospect Park wakens my dream of moving from the city. I want my boy to be able to run free...

Moving to greener pastures

Spring is here and all the earthy potential in Prospect Park wakens my dream of moving from the city. I want my boy to be able to run free and wild outside, and to have autonomy as he grows. I'm anticipating his city kid request to ride the subway alone here in Brooklyn and the answer is a solid NO. So, under the influence of the sweet smell of flowering trees, I return to a favorite past time of mine, the daydream that includes a garden and open space. With a body of water nearby. And a studio for myself. With a good cafe and a movie theater a walk away. And an awesome, teenaged babysitter who is always available and whom my son adores. 

Is the grass greener on the other side? Can anyone comment from experience about relocating as a single parent? I am mostly nervous about loneliness and isolation in a more rural environment...although honestly, I also experience being alone and isolated in the city. I never intended to stay in Brooklyn. And now that I am divorced, I am not tied to my ex's refusal to move anywhere. Living on a train line could easily keep the visitation active between my son and his dad. And my son is only four, so moving by Kindergarten seems like a possibility.

I also desire more autonomy from my ex. Constant contact with someone I purposefully divorced is my current challenge of co-parenting. He has been out of work the past five months and is doing more child care now, so I see him four times a week during pick up or drop off of my child. Before you yell out- why did you divorce this amazing guy who looks after his own kid, remember that I am an amazing Single Momista; I am a woman who looks after my own kid too! Yes, it is nice to have child care "help" from my son's father, but it comes with it's own price. While I do welcome the break from paying a babysitter or from having to physically run from work to get my son before his school closes, now I am also constantly stressed about whether or not I will receive child support each month. Next month is my one year anniversary of being divorced and it seems like I see my ex more than when we were married and trying to separate! Hm mmm, something has to be revised.

Back to greenery--here is a soup I made yesterday: Potato with Spring Greens and Herbs.

Mmm, fresh dill really makes this soup delicious!

Dream, dream, dream,
XO
Single Momista